Sunday 29 December 2013

Made it

Dear Ella,

Made it - out the other side of Christmas.

We gathered at Allington (just as you had planned and wanted Christmas last year) and just "were" as a group of friends and family.  Grateful to be with people we love, to laugh, enjoy and take pleasure in time old Christmas traditions.  How lucky are we?

I could feel your absence, as could we all in our various ways.  It was good to sit quietly with you at  the start of the day in your room gathering energy and resilience for the festivities ahead.

Familiar "in between" days and time now - useful to pause, reflect and mark the passing of one year and the start of the next.  Today the skies were blue and the sun bright - optimism was in the air - circling and pointing the way - I am willing to follow that route.

Lots of love

Mum
XXX



Tuesday 24 December 2013

A busy day..

Dear Ella,

You know what I am like - the usual mad dash around getting everything ready for Christmas Day - gosh what a fuss for just one day, but of course its a special, lovely day.

As I write - just waiting for Sophie to finish in the shower, before we settle down and in time honoured tradition watch "Love Actually". I have lit your fire and the tree lights are twinkling.  I can see all our special decorations we have gathered over the years - especially the one you had made for Sophie two years ago - with the three of us on it.

Funny moments today - Granddad nearly did a Dawn French when we came to visit you - stepped in a puddle, rather deep, good job he had his wellies on.  In a frenzy of cleaning, I nearly hoovered up the donkey and baby jesus from the nativity set, and most bizarrely this afternoon, I was upto my armpits in blocked drain matter in the garden- with Lorraine and Steve helping but laughing as well.  I might be "viral" on t'internet by now!

So Christmas number two without you kicking me into touch, Sophie struggling to muster the festive cheer, maybe Love Actually and foot rub will do the job.  May even persuade her to have a Baileys later.

With all my love as ever at Christmas.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Xmas 2010 - your last one "well"







Sunday 22 December 2013

Your little cousins

Dear Ella

So a noisy, but lovely visit from your little cousins yesterday.
They sent me the photos below - your tree from Dad looks lovely
I will be out to see you Christmas Eve and may be Christmas Day as well.

Lots of love
Mum
xxx





Visiting Granny 

Friday 20 December 2013

Mum's

Dear Ella,


Someone shared this on FB today - Ricky Gervais talking about how he celebrates Christmas and remembering people that are no more and in his case, specifically his Mum.

Gosh, Granny loved Christmas - carols, cooking, the food, the family gatherings - just about all of it

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Gervais shared how he prefers to celebrate the Christmas period, and spoke fondly of past moments with his mother Eva, who passed away in 2000.

"[I'll be] eating and drinking too much with friends and family," he wrote. "Celebrating life and remembering those that did, but can no longer.

"They are not looking down on me but they live in my mind and heart more than they ever did probably. Some, I was lucky enough to bump into on this planet of six billion people. Others shared much of my genetic material. One selflessly did her best for me all my life."

He admitted that he shed some tears while speaking about his mother, and what she meant to him during the festive season.

"That's what mums do though," he said. "They do it for no other reason than love. Not for reward. Not for recognition. They create you. From nothing. Miracle? They do those every day. No big deal.

"They are not worshipped. They would give their life without the promise of heaven. They teach you everything they know yet they are not declared prophets. And you only have one.

"I am crying as I write this. It usually gets me this time of year. That's what's special about Christmas. It's when you visit or reminisce about the ones you love. And reflect on how lucky you are. How they helped shape you."


Mojitos and youth

Dear Ella,

So…better place tonight- out with my dream team of "kids". We drank Mojitios, laughed and danced (promise I wasn't to embarrassing!).

I thought about you so much - maybe because I was with the "kids" - more your age than mine, mojito tastes and of course just the plain old Christmas factor.

Oh my love, would be so wonderful if you were here, right now, right here.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

PS - loving the "kids" - thank you so much Liam, Hollie and Craig


Thursday 19 December 2013

Weeping and Walking

Dear Ella

What a releif to write it down - am in London for a bit of a do, managed well for a while and then "what the **** kicked in", so left.   Therappy of sorts = weeping and walking for miles across London.

Love you and Sophie so much - it hurts

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Thursday 12 December 2013

An Ella fest

Dear Ella,

Just had a lovely Ella fest with Annie - we have been chatting and reminiscing about you.  It was lush.

Lots of love

Mum
xx


Wednesday 11 December 2013

Church

Dear Ella,

I went to church last night with Grandad. It was the St Peters Hospice carol service, a service to remember you and granny - and of course lots of other people as well.

It was in the cathedral - a beautiful building with stunning architecture - which you would have liked.  It was nice to have the space and time to really think about you.  I got the strangest feeling that you were over by the door calling me to come over…..you had very short hair and your American college jacket on.   You were smiling, but impatient and wanted me to come quickly  - I wonder what you wanted?

 We went last year as well - so here we go  - on to doing things for the second time without you - like Christmas.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Sunday 8 December 2013

Long walk to freedom

Dear Ella,

It seems only right to note the passing of the extraordinary man Nelson Mandela - just earlier this week, in case you missed it.

I know you would have some views and thoughts on the great man - and who knows you may even be quizzing him directly now.

Fascinating information about him everywhere and peoples own personal stories about where they were when he was released from prison, became president and so on.

Lots of quotes flying around - all inspirational - but I find this one pertinent just for now and would be very useful to remember going forward.


 Life is a course with endless obstacles to hurdle.
"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb." 


In the physical sense I climbed another huge hill today - Pen Y Fan in the Brecons (happy memories of the day U Bob dragged you, me and Sophie up there - when you were really quite little), but of course the quote is not  really about the literal aspect of climbing - more the challenges and hurdles that life throws up.  

Just when you think you are getting near the top - you see another hill in the distance which has to be climbed.  

Hill walking and life are just like that!

lots of love
Mum
xx

Sugar Loaf climb (near Pan Y Fan)
Sugar Loaf Climb
Crooks Peak Climb

Wednesday 4 December 2013

Life

Dear Ella,

Life continues - in a mundane, ordinary kind of way - but with shots of sadness, worry and nice bits to. Of course this is much the way we all live - with those types of feelings and occurrences in varying degrees. They shift quickly and with no warning they are on the move.

For me - last week was worry and anxiety - this week more about hope, determination and resilience.

Why the difference from one week to the next - who knows?   Maybe it helps sleeping under your duvet  - (don't ask why I am not under mine - long story and it involves your cat!!), you know the lovely one you treated yourself too - on the grounds you had to spend so much time in bed.  Loved the day we went shopping for that - was hoping there would be many more ordinary kind of shopping days  like that one.

An evening with girlfriends makes a huge difference, sharing experiences, wisdom and above all else laughter.  Then home to appease "the cats" - who feel positively abandoned and are craving your undivided attention.

Life continues...

Lots of love

Mum
xxxx

Friday 29 November 2013

I like this

Dear Ella,

These words arrived in my in box this week - good huh?

Lots of love

Mum
xx




“Most of us are experts at solving other people’s problems, but we generally solve them in terms of our own and the advice we give is seldom for other people but for ourselves."
- Nan Fairbrother, The House in the Country

Sunday 24 November 2013

The world kept turning

Dear Ella,

Some what surprisingly the world continued to turn and life carried on - as we all quietly marked the anniversary of you leaving us.

Difficult for everyone to know what to do, hardly a time that anyone of us wanted to celebrate  - but it needed to be marked, navigated and coped with.

I disappeared to the mountains of North Wales - huge open spaces, soaring mountains, physical exertion, reassuring steady company and time to pause.

The A5 was strangely therapeutic as the miles clocked by - Ella music up loud - with some tracks on over and over again.  The countryside passing by, unfamiliar places and unknown people going about their daily lives and routines.

I climbed high, really high - but of course you weren't there - it got me closer to the sky and maybe closer to where you perhaps are busy getting on with what ever you are doing.

Home now - with aching muscles to add to my aching heart.

Signing off with my mantra that got me to the top of each mountain - courtesy of your heroes -  Greenday:

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.



Lots of love

Mum
xxx



Wednesday 20 November 2013

Vivid and chaotic

Dear Ella,

Vivid and chaotic memories of this time last year have been whirling through my head - snapshots of disbelief, what to do do, rain, getting the right people here, cups of tea, holding you, trying to understand what was best to do, watching "Pointless", organising, talking, trying to make it OK for others, watching you, sitting with you, lying with you, simply loving you and never ever wanting you to go.

My brave beautiful girl - I will love you for ever.

Mum
XXX

Friday 15 November 2013

What if we had known

Dear Ella,

So this time last year - you really weren't well - in fact so unwell you only had four days of living left.

Did you know, did I know - if we had known would we have done anything differently?  Maybe more hugs, more words - I don't know and never will.

But I know I was never far from your side and you were home.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Thursday 14 November 2013

Manchester

Dear Ella,

Spending a lot of time in Manchester these days, as you know it's a very happening city and one that would have suited you down to the ground.

Do you remember when we come up for your art foundation interview - it was all so exciting, although of course I was not supposed to be excited.  My job was to be the dutiful parent trailing around behind you.  After all it wasn't me that was trying to get a university place.

In usual Mum fashion, I asked too many questions and made sure we spoke to all the right people - including that lovely man who was head of the art foundation course.  I remember thinking - "he'll do, he can have my daughter on his course".  A man who was passionate about design, the course and studying art in any shape or format.

You would have thrived in this vibrant city, and I know that in the end you decided not to come here but head for Brighton.

But - Manchester has got your name all over it - I think you might have got here eventually.

Missing you loads

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Sunday 10 November 2013

Done it!

Dear Ella.

It's official we have raised £102,574.24 in your memory to get a new Teenage Cancer Unit up and running in Bristol to support the South West.

You have whipped up a storm my beautiful girl - we have all done it for you.

The donations continue to come in........what will we do next?

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

PS - you would be pleased with my improved Facebook skills - managed to post the message below.   Still one of my top achievements last year - becoming your friend on FB :)

Hi all - to confirm we have now raised £102,574.24 for Teenage Cancer Trust in memory of my beautiful Ella. We have all done this in just ten months - an outstanding achievement and a huge thank you to every single person who has contributed. However, the TCT need another .5 million to get the new South West unit open - if you can contribute anymore or know someone who can - please donate here. Thank you very much
http://www.justgiving.com/remember/47274/£102,574.24-Redman

Saturday 9 November 2013

Missed you

Dear Ella,

Have been away (again - but work this time), and have missed you loads.

It's strange - in some ways I feel like you are with me where ever I go - but I feel closest to you when I am home.

Your even closer at the end of each day when I switch of the light, climb under the duvet and close my eyes - I concentrate hard and remember everything I can about you - and then fall asleep.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

PS - Got my photo taken with Miles Jupp last night - Sophie is well impressed!

Wednesday 6 November 2013

It's raining

Dear Ella,

It's raining it's pouring and has been doing so on and off for a week.

The rain just sheets down- seemingly leaving no space between the sky and the ground.  Its noisy, but strangely comforting as it hits the velux windows at home.

It rained a lot around this time last year - and was especially hard the night of 20 November - you possibly didn't hear it, and were on already on your way to dance in the rain else where.

Its quite nice getting out the winter coats, boots and brollies - wearing PJ's, lighting fires, curling up on the sofa to watch winter TV and generally hunkering down from the elements and life.

It's all very reminiscent of this time last year.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Monday 4 November 2013

Party for you

Dear Ella,

Well my beautiful girl - we did it and had the party you wanted.  Am sure it wasn't quite as you would have planned, but the key elements were present in huge abundance - friends, (all ages), family, music, uncle moments, drinks (too many for some of us), silliness, love and fun.

We gathered - all 250 of us and as U Jim said - first and foremost we remembered and celebrated you, we raised lots of money and of course we spent time with friends and family.

So we have raised the £10,000 you set out to do - in fact we are fairly confident we have done it x 10 and reached £100,000.  Marion and co still totting up the final numbers.

We started in February - maybe March - so job done in 10 months.

We  missed you loads and loads

Lots of love

Mum
XXX





Friday 1 November 2013

Chilli for breakfast

Dear Ella,

Well the big weekend is nearly upon us.

Its started well - chilli for breakfast - one of my best yet I think - you would have loved it.

Proper, comforting Allington food.

Next highlight - Sophie arriving home for the weekend - shortly followed by many other wonderful friends and family.

The gather begins...

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Thursday 31 October 2013

Only 250

Dear Ella,

Just back from the last planning evening for your party.

Only 250 people coming ....... flipping heck mate - it's massive.  The groundswell and enthusiasm is unbelievable.

So please keep an eye on us -  look out for your "Chloe" shoes - they are getting a dance out.   Remind Uncle Jim not to talk for too long, tell me to relax and that it will all be OK, make sure Lorraine sits down and has several large drinks at the end, make sure Marion doesn't have too many at the start.  Convince Uncle Andy and Tina that all their meticulous planning will pay off.

But most of all remind us to  be happy and not sad.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

PS - remember that target of £10,000 you were aiming for - well the total is currently very nearly at £79,000 - and we hope Saturday night will push us way over £90,000 and on our way to £100,000.  Job done!



Tuesday 29 October 2013

Carpe Diem

Dear Ella,

Those were our words this exact time last year - "seize the day"  - after the news that the cancer was back and there was little more that could be done to stop the onslaught of the disease
.
You were so amazing on that day and your words, aura and touch will always be around me and within.  An anchor to hang onto.

So with heavy hearts, but determination and in the spirit of Carpe Diem - its "game on" - we are pushing on to Saturday 2 November - when we are having the party you wanted and started to plan.

We will all yet again gather, laugh, smile and remember you.

We all love you loads

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

My last photo with you.... on our way home from Oxford - McDonald and Chips to wash the news down with!

Thursday 24 October 2013

Pringles, Wine and Amy

Dear Ella,

So solo living going well - just had sour cream Pringles and two glasses of red wine for dinner, but in great company - with Amy.

No time to eat properly - busy evening out and about gathering auction prizes for the big event on Sat 2 November, so valid excuse I think you will agree.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Tuesday 22 October 2013

Wise words

Dear Ella,

A lovely person dropped me an e mail today.  She said "you just have to dig in", and no she didn't mean as in the garden (although must plant bulbs this coming weekend), but dig in deep to push through.

The words were from her heart - she's been there and got a very similar t shirt to mine.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Saturday 19 October 2013

Still not here then?

Dear Ella,

So I am home from holiday (yes again) - and the blindingly obvious fact "you're still not here" - is a real smacker.

Why so "smacking"? Maybe its because I put effort and energy into going away and being very determined to be positive, upbeat and enjoy the privilege of going on holiday. Almost a target to aim for and achieve (sounds crazy, I know) - but as I learn about grieving and talk to others - it would seem these milestones/targets are part of the journey.  They have to be reached, passed and then onwards with the next lumbering steps.

All that said - it was good to enter the arms of home, check your room (and Sophies), look at your photo and start to pick up the vital threads of familiarity, routine and connections.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx




Monday 14 October 2013

None left for breakfast

Dear Ella,

Sorry but there is none left for breakfast!

Just been out and had the real thing - as in a Margharita Pizza - one of your favourite food items, enjoyed wherever you went and even better if there were a couple of slices left over for breakfast - cold of course.

We ate it overlooking the med, with the moon shining down - and raised a glass to you.

Lots of love

Mum
Xxx

Friday 11 October 2013

Aching

Dear Ella,

Just aching to see you....I don't know how else to explain it, and don't know why the ache is greater today.

As I walked into work this morning, I just wanted to keep going to the oncology hospital, hoping to find you there just like I used to.  My walking would getting faster and faster till I finally reached the hospital.   There you would be sleepy and a bit fed up, but would always say "how are you" and I would say "all the better for seeing you" And then amidst the lines, tubes, bags of chemo and hospital paraphernalia I would hug you and drink you in.

And that's the simple truth, it would be better if I could see you.

I satisfied my Sophie ache earlier this week, went to Cardiff and hugged her so tight (twice) - she nearly squeaked, but hugged me right back.  We hung on tight and a thousand unsaid words were osmosed between us.

Achingly on into the weekend.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Tuesday 8 October 2013

Happy Birthday

Dear Ella,

I am sure you have remembered that today is Grannies birthday, so if you don't mind this letter is for her - please pass it on.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Hi Mum,

Happy Birthday - hope you are doing OK.

We are all fine (well, you know on the surface in a British kind of way, wouldn't want to scratch the surface too deep), and some how muddling through without you to direct and lead the way.

We often gather as a family, and the simple familiar rituals of arranging, planning, preparing for and sharing events and time help us all hugely.

The tiddlers (Tommy and Kezia) keep us all on our toes, and give us little time to dwell and malinger.  They talk naturally and curiously about you and Ella being "up there" and the excitement mounts when we release balloons for you.  Did the ones we sent on Sunday reach you OK?

Dad sets us all a shining example of how to count our blessings every day - even when we are feeling a little blue and in his case a bit fed up with being deaf.

Your wonderful boys remain stalwart, steady, dependable and just - well wonderful.

You must be keeping a careful eye on Sophie - did you see that you have made it onto her noticeboard in her room at uni?  A treasured memory of a holiday with you and Dad many years ago (no doubt at all that she can almost smell and taste your spaghetti bolognese that you would have cooked her for tea one evening).  As you can see - she is doing amazingly well and coping so well with all the challenges that come with leaving home for the first time.

The younger Mrs T as in Tina - is simply amazing, she somehow helps to glue us all together and along with Sonia and countless other friends - is simply there to catch and help us in whatever shape or format is needed.

So honestly - we are OK - I promise.

Take care of Ella

Lots of love and happy birthday

Jo
xxx









Sunday 6 October 2013

Series 3, Episode 1

Dear Ella,

Sunday night - Homelands - series 3, episode 1 - where are you?

One of your top TV programmes - can't believe you are missing it - its fast, pacey and high suspense from the very start, but just not the same without you around to download with afterwards

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Saturday 5 October 2013

Job done well

Dear Ella,

Just to let you know that the vet says "Brian is doing just fine, a perfect specimen and has clearly been well looked after"!

So the 9.30am wrestle with belligerent cat into the cage and drive to the vets was worth it - you can rest easy knowing I am doing a good job of looking after your precious cat.

I did discuss her penchant for frogs and was told that this was not unheard of - but then horror of horrors, the vet told me that her cat had bought half (the end half) of a snake into her house - good grief, as you know I would have to run for the hills never to return if Brian ever did anything like that.
Suddenly frogs seem quite attractive.

Am taking the old black one (Fizz) in a couple of weeks - expensive business having pets.... how did I end up "flying solo" with two cats in tow?

Hope your pleased.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

PS - Brian even nice to Annie now - well for a while...




Friday 4 October 2013

I'm back

Dear Ella,

Have you enjoyed the peace and quiet this week?  None of my ramblings to put up with!

I might not have been right here to write to you, but trust me you were with me every step of the way on my lovely holiday in Israel.  Yep - you read that right Israel, check me out!

A fleeting but fascinating insight into such a diverse, historic and beautiful country. You would have loved it - the weather, beach, food (some of the best I have ever eaten), history, markets, shopping, sights, sounds and smells - a total assault on the senses in every way.

Similar in some ways to our trip to Morocco that you loved so much, but this had "Sunday School" thrown in big time - every corner we turned in Jerusalem was yet another historical spot, religious site or point of interest - hard to believe I was there.  At one point I lit a candle for Granny - what with it nearly being her birthday and knowing how much she always wanted to go and see Jerusalem.

Could see  you living in Tel Aviv - in fact we thought you were  - we spotted an "Ella" one evening, tall, slim, long haired, full of life and laughing - it was mesmerising to watch her and dare I say pretend it was you.

So, I have been and come back and survived without you and Sophie - my favourite holiday buddies of all time by my side.

See - I am learning to grow up!

Lots of love
Mum
xx

Saturday 28 September 2013

Stopped in my tracks - by Steve Evans51

Dear Ella,

Just been "stopped in my tracks" unloading the washing machine.  BBC breakfast news was on, it was an interview with the most extraordinary man called Steve Evans.   He is dying of cancer and was being interviewed by Louise Minchin and Charlie Stayt.

The interview was so poignant, inspirational, interesting and touchingly funny, he articulated the journey so well and reminded me so much of your cancer journey and attitude.  I think it helped me to further understand some of what you went through.

Steve is now on the radiotherapy stage to give him "quality of life" and a bit more time, there is no other treatment that will work for his cancer.  He seems to be getting a bit more time than you - so has been able to settle and come to terms with the final stage of his journey.  You of course did not have quite enough time (understatement of the decade), but were amazing in the time you had.

He is now on twitter Steve Evans51 and talked of how supportive it is to have people following him and willing him on, the same sort of feeling you and me used to get from all the followers of our blogs Getting Better  and day to day living

Over a cup of coffee, in our lovely kitchen, sitting at the counter I have just read your blog again and feel so close to you and privileged that I was on the journey with you - from start to end.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Thursday 26 September 2013

In to my arms

Dear Ella,

Somethings never change.

At the weekend I went to watch the film "About Time".   It's the latest Richard Curtis film - you know like "Love Actually".

I loved it - and of course fell in love with the sound track - so in my usual fashion bought it (yes I know just Like "The Descendants", "500 days of Summer" and "Juno"), and yes I have played it non stop - especially the track "into my arms "by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds.  I play it at breakfast time, tea time and just before I go to bed (now).

You would be getting cross and telling me to turn it off - but hey there is no one here, except me so guess what?  I can do what I like - no one to annoy!

So same old Mum - watch a film, get hooked on a track and then play it continually - and yes this one has made it into my top 10 songs of all time.

Somethings never change

Lots of love

Mum
xx

PS - the film had Bill Nighy in it :)






Wednesday 25 September 2013

Doh - fill the hole!

Dear Ella,

So its obvious - you just move something else into the yoghurt space in the fridge (white wine) and use the fruit bowl for something else (junk mail) - easy!

But of course and thankfully its not easy to fill the real holes - the huge Ella and Sophie holes.  Work, friends, activities, music, sleep, exercise, walking (yes still doing that) all help.

Friends and family are especially amazing.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - "it takes more than one", we all need different people at different times.  We, as in you and me and Sophie have amazing friends and family - holding us tight, where ever we are.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Sunday 22 September 2013

Yoghurt shaped hole

Dear Ella,

Well there is a new shaped hole in Allington now - it's a Sophie shape. It's very noticeable when you open the fridge - no yoghurts, or look at the fruit bowl - no apples, bananas, pears, pineapples, melons and all things fruit.

I can also feel the hole - the house is very quiet (and she wasn't the noisy one) and still.  It feels like its waiting patiently to see what to do next.

I'm waiting too - quietly confident that it will all be ok.  The foundations have been laid, the bricks are being tentatively placed to build a new shape that will work for us all.

Thank you for continuing to give me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Just like I explained when I first started writing to you - to this day and for always I can feel your hand and your gaze and feel your strength and energy, it's amazing.

Lots of love
Mum
xxx


For the record - every time I falter, I think of the day we were told the news that your cancer was back and was untreatable (29 October 2012), a room full Doctors, nurses, you, me and Jim and of course the ubiquitous box of NHS tissues (knew we were on for a hiding when I saw the box discreetly hidden underneath some folders one of the nurses was holding!).  Anyway,  of course you cried and wailed - and then it was my turn, but suddenly in the depths of my despair -  I could feel the strongest, warmest grip on my hand and could feel your big brown eyes staring hard at me.  The intensity of your gaze made me lift my eyes to meet yours  - and there you held me, steady and fast - with your touch and look, yet with no words - and told me that it would be OK and I would somehow get through this. 

Thursday 19 September 2013

Stabilisers off

Dear Ella,

By Friday evening - Allington will be down to one resident (aside from the two felines).  It's finally happening, Sophie is on her way to uni and I will be left home.   Two legs of the Redman girls tripod missing.

So wonky (well maybe no more than usual) and possible wobbly, if we are talking analogies, it's maybe like having the stabilisers taken off a bike.  You and Sophie gone - so I will have to push on and learn to cycle in a straight and steady line - without my girls propping me up.

Do you think I can do it?


Lots of love

Mum
XX


Wednesday 18 September 2013

Party

Dear Ella,

Just finished a "2 November Party For Ella planning evening" - its all go.  Over 200 people coming, just 40 tickets left to sell.

Some great auction, silent auction and raffle prizes have been donated.  Music sorted and running order just about done.

So it will be a great evening - I know you would approve, but forgive me when I need a moment or two as the familiar, painful reality check hits "that you aren't here, and never ever will be again".  The party will feel so right, but so wrong.

Enough Redman!   Today we tipped over £75,000 on the Just Giving pages - and very much hope the party will take us to at least £85,000. We then need to work out where to get the final £15,000 from to get us to our £100,000 target.  (A target we have not verbally stated, but all secretly have in our hearts).

That TCT unit will be open next Spring - we will have done what you wanted.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

My party girl pre cancer

My party girl in recovery from cancer - and still ready to party!




Tuesday 17 September 2013

London Feet

Dear Ella,

I will say no more than "London Feet" - you'll know exactly what I mean.

Missing you lots

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Sunday 15 September 2013

From Jess

Dear Ella,

Jess sent me this a while ago - its taken me several reads to get it as a "non physicist" - but of course you will totally get it.  I like the very last sentence - "not a bit of you is gone, your just less orderly!

As I have said before, I am sure I can you feel your energy passing by sometimes, but your windmill is still this afternoon.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.

Thursday 12 September 2013

Christmas Carols

Dear Ella,

Lots of news tonight!

Thanks to the wonderful Jane Clutterbuck - I joined a choir tonight and started singing!   I know you would be pleased, something I had talked about doing for so long and have now done.  Of course I cant sing - but the lovely choir master made me feel so relaxed and welcome that before I knew it there were sounds coming out of my mouth - I was so surprised, I thought they were coming from someone else.

Anyway, proper sheet music and all of that (apparently I am a first alto). I muddled my way through the session - with a huge range of emotions, not least because we ended up singing "Silent Night" (got to be ready for Christmas concert) which of course was Grannies favourite carol - could feel my eyes welling up - wasn't ready for that!

Other emotions stirred by being in a primary school - could see my little girls in their early school years and just the whole emotion of hearing over 60 people sing together in some kind of harmony.  An exhaustively wonderful two hours.

Then we went to the TF with Maya and Amy and just chatted and laughed.  Maya told me a great story about you and her drinking too many gin and tonics at the TF one night, we debated what was the right age to have a baby, caught up on "Boy George news", chatted about life in Montreal, Sheffield and Bristol and of course talked about you.

It was a "Gurt Lush"evening.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

PS - its raining - so that will be a frog event in the morning!

Wednesday 11 September 2013

First time's

Dear Ella,

So I am having to experience any number of first times - the current one is helping one of my daughters get ready for university, leaving home and the whole separation process - which of course is normal and right.

In the normal course of events - I would have been through this once with you and have a bit of experience under my belt, instead we (as in Sophie and myself) are feeling our way and stumbling through it - but I think getting there.  As I said to her the other night - she really is off to "big, big, big school" now.

You of course did leave home, but not in the normal, expected way - all rather unexpected and not what was planned at all.   Some days I like to think you have gone to the biggest  school of all - "the universe of life".  Hope it's fun.

Lots of love

Mum
xx



Sunday 8 September 2013

Blankety Beds

Dear Ella,

Another weekend very nearly done.

I love September - the slight chill in the morning and the evening, the golden sunshine, allotment over spill - veggies and fruit galore, the sense of new beginnings as the masses return to school, work and familiar routines and just overall a more energetic feel.

Do you remember "the broad beans are sleeping in their blankety beds"?  You and Sophie used to make me laugh as you sang your favourite harvest festival song when you were little girls. Yea!

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Cauliflowers Fluffy and cabbages green
Strawberries are sweeter than any I've seen
Beetroots purple and onions white
All grow steadily day and night

The apples are ripe and the plums are red
The broad beans are sleeping in their blankety bed

Blackberries are juicy and rhubarbs sour
Marrows fattening hour by hour
Gooseberries hairy and lettuces fat
Radishes round and runner beans flat

The apples are ripe and the plums are red
The broad beans are sleeping in their blankety bed

Orangey carrots and turnips cream
Reddening tomatoes that used to be green
Brown potatoes in little heaps
Down in the darkness where the celery sleeps

The apples are ripe and the plums are red
The broad beans are sleeping in their blankety bed, Yea!

Thursday 5 September 2013

Would I have done anything differently?

Dear Ella,

So lovely this morning as Jane from the hospice came for a "check up" and a chat.   Seeing her makes me feel very close to you, although of course it drags me right back to last October and November and all the trauma.  But that's good - I like to go "there" with the right person and run through it all.

Jane asked me today "what would I do differently, if I could have the last week, 24 hours with you all over again"?  Having thought about it carefully - not much, except of course I would not get cross with you the night before, like I did.  We were both so exhausted, scared and in your case ill, we almost didn't know what we were doing or saying.

"Mum, I don't like it when you are cross with me"

"Sorry, Ella, but it was silly doing............   But don't forget I love you.  Sleep tight, you know where I am if you need me".

I'm sorry I was cross with you, and so wish I could change that, but I can't - but I do remember  saying I love you - and I really do.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Tuesday 3 September 2013

Getting braver

Dear Ella,

Think I am getting braver, or maybe the moment was right or something.

But, I was asked the dreaded question this morning "Do you have any other children beside your daughter Sophie"?   Of course the answer is "yes, I have another daughter Ella, but sadly she died last year".

To date I have managed to avoid that question, have skirted around it, or even not told the truth - which  has not felt right at all.

But I said it, and was truly grateful that the other person could cope, was matter of fact, sympathetic, interested, but not to interested - and then we moved on to another subject - cant even remember what.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Saturday 31 August 2013

Saw this lovely movie last night

Dear Ella,

Went to see The way, way back movie last night. It was simply lovely, funny and easy to watch, just the sort of movie that you, me and Sophie used to love to go and see.

As I was driving home, I lost track of my thoughts and had a flash of "cant wait to tell Ella, all about that movie, she must so go to see it".  Then I remembered ...... I can't - well not really, only via this letter :(

I had a go at enthusing Sophie at breakfast time - not much interest.

Anyway - you would have loved it.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Wednesday 28 August 2013

Not from me

Dear Ella

You will be delighted to hear that its not me but George tonight...

Dear Ella

So it the first night in my new flat in Leeds! I can not believe I have gone through this whole process without you to share it with and talk about it all!  But I definitely think you would approve.  Looking out my lounge windows and over my 6th floor balcony you can see all of Leeds City Centre, and at the moment its all lit up in the nights sky!  The flat is beautiful too.  I share it with one other - Katie, she is a few years older than me.

Katie is away this weekend so I am spending my first night alone which is strange!  But my Dad came up to help me move as did Jonathan.  Jonny has an interview in Leeds tomorrow so will stay over, and we are going to have dinner out with Katie which will be nice.  I am nervous about living with her as she is already settled here and I feel like I am going to get in the way for the few weeks I am off, but am sure it'll feel like home soon enough.  I plan on printing the picture of the four of us girls in Woolacombe on a canvas to put up in my new room :)

The apartment block is a 10-15 min walk to the hospital I will  be working at in September.  My induction day will be either 2 or 16 September.  No more long bus journeys to work

Soon it will be my 21st (????) - can you believe it???  Not sure what I am going to do yet   I would like to celebrate at home but it will depend on the work situation and also friends - no good going home if Annie, Amy etc wont be able to make it  And anyway I'll be back home for your party in November.  I cannot wait to get all dressed up instead of putting on my trainers and sports kit!  Talking of which, I think we did you proud on the bike ride, and had fun at the same time :)

Well thats it for now, but I will write again soon as this month is going to be packed with news!

Lots and lots of love from Georgina xxxxxx

How lovely was that - and that was the abridged version!

Lots of love

Mum
xxxxx












Tuesday 27 August 2013

Normalcy

Dear Ella,

Another day, another dollar!

A good expression.   If you pump it into Wiktionary  - it says it's an expression recognising a balance in life, normalcy, and routineness.

Normalcy?   Thats a new one on me, "the state of being normal", in more ways than one.  Yes, life is now normal in comparison to a year ago, no medical interventions, no waiting for results, no what ifs, just blah.  Of course in so many ways life is anything but normalcy.

 I wonder if there will ever be normalcy again.

Lots of love

Mum
xx


Friday 23 August 2013

Cleaning, Vivaldi and Frogs!

Dear Ella,

Feeling weary and in need of time out, have shut the door on the world and retreated to the sanctuary of Allington.

Sophie out - so time is all mine to indulge as I wish.

Hence - cleaning, Vivaldi and frogs!

Cleaning - grubby windows gone, cobwebs banished and dusty corners ousted - very therapeutic - its a middle aged female thing, and a great distraction.

Ate my dinner watching Nigel Kennedy play Vivaldi - BBC at the Proms - would never have got away with that if you or Sophie had been in.

And - finally a damp old evening, so knew there would be a frog frenzy.  The kitchen doors are firmly shut to prevent Brian bringing her "toys" any further into the house.  Two so far with a further one waiting for me to rescue it with my dustpan and brush.  Where does Brian find them all, and why oh why does she have to bring them home?

Does the above count as three simple things?  Think not on the frogs - but the other two will do for now.

See you in the morning

Lots of love

Mum
xx




Monday 19 August 2013

18

Dear Ella

Your little sister has made 18...not such a baby anymore.  Think you would have been proud - she is looking stunning, has clearly enjoyed being the centre of attention and we have heard her laughing and talking a lot!

Long may it last - though as ever, I am finding it hard to cope with all the "nights out" and fretting about her getting home in one piece.  I know you would say "oh Mum, she'll be fine", and I think she will, but so hard to let go when I have already lost you.

Anyway, in the main, I am really pleased that she is out and about being 18 - its lovely to have all her friends coming and going from party HQ - aka Allington Rd - the joys of living in the city centre.

Missing you loads - especially on Saturday night at the party - you would have loved it.

Lots of love
Mum


xx







Friday 16 August 2013

Me again

Dear Ella

Sorry, irritating as ever I know.

Just working my way through e mails and found one from the Teenage Cancer Trust, you made page one, down the bottom, but you (and I guess us) made it!



  • The Ella Redman Fund, who’ve have raised an incredible £70,000 in her memory through various events for our South West Appeal
  • John Retter, who by combining his love for photography and sports has managed to raise over £10,000 for the charity in the last two years!
  • The North East Fundraising Board, for their phenomenal contributions to fundraising and making a huge difference in the North East with their events and challenges throughout the year raising £104,000
  • Newcastle Fundraising Group, who are certain to smash their £10,000 fundraising target with events like a fire walk, burlesque night and rugby tournaments
  • City Plumbing Supplies, for raising £230,000 in 18 months and deciding to keep us as their charity until December 2014
  • Your World Recruitment, who raised over £1,000 from a Royal Baby themed cake sale and a 12 hour virtual cycling challenge
  • The Body Shop, who’ve smashed their £250,000 fundraising target just over halfway into the year!  We would like to say a huge thank you to The Body Shop staff up and down the country for their inspirational passion and support

Lots of love Mum
XX

PS - also have long letter for you from Georgina - will share soon



August 15 2013

Dear Ella,

So yesterday - as in August 15 was a bit of a massive day.

A level results, two birthdays, another Ella fund raiser, university in sight - oh and Gaynor and Ian back in town.

Quietly and determinedly your sister delivered a blinding set of A Level results - you must be proud and potentially slightly envious.  In fact so good that her place at Cardiff Uni has been confirmed - now all she has to do is decide if she is going...

The wait for confirmation of the results was draining!

The SACO Bath team laid on a great night of entertainment for you - and raised around £500 to the cause, we had a lovely time.  Gaynor and Ian were so pleased to actually be able to go to one of your events.

It was the big 21 birthday for Annie - a night out for the dream team - of course minus one, but sure you were there in spirit egging them on to enjoy themselves.

Another year on the clock for Shelagh

Sitting in bed contemplating what the day, the weekend and September holds - but in reality have only got to do today - "one day at a time".

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Tuesday 13 August 2013

Its going to blow

Dear Ella

A storm is brewing - something is going to blow - not sure when or what the outcome will be, but its coming.

Have decided to put August in the same box as February and November - dull!

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Friday 9 August 2013

Have been trying hard

Dear Ella,

So since my last letter have tried hard and have determinedly been busy, sorting, arranging stuff.  Have put bounce back in step as I walk through door to work, have plans for this weekend and next and thinking of a quick 24 hours away the following.

Cool, calm and collected with herd of 17/18 year olds and their host....

Smile, matter of fact approach to people who don't like eating...

...and onwards

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Wednesday 7 August 2013

Could do better

Dear Ella,

Sadly "could do better" was a phrase that popped up on a regular basis on my school reports - never on yours or Sophie's.

I was sent the quotation below and it really strikes a cord with me.  I do fundamentally believe in this approach to life and have truly being try to apply it for at least the last ten years or so.  However, "could do better" springs to mind.

Lots of love Mum
xx


‘The longer I live, the more I realise the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people say or do.  
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church… a home.  
The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.  We cannot change the past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.  We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is plan on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude.  I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you …we are in charge of our attitudes.’
 Pastor Charles ‘Chuck’ Swindoll.


Tuesday 6 August 2013

Simple wishes

Dear Ella,

Have been having a bit of a full on tidy up and sort out of various areas, nooks and drawers of Allington.  This has included the bulging, useless, annoying clip on the fridge that moos like a cow when ever you use it (thanks Mum!).  Anyway, the many bits of paper clipped under it - suddenly looked pointless tonight - so they got it.

Christmas thank you letters, discount coupons for Sainsbury's, receipts and lost shopping lists - and then right at the bottom was our list "Simple Wishes"list.

Do you remember how I made the three of us write down "simple wishes" that we wanted to try and make happen in 2012?  The rule was - they had to be simple and potentially achievable - why?  Well you were still in the depths of chemo, Sophie was still getting better, and I as ever was attempting to put one foot in front of the other and move from one day to the next.  It was in the spirit of things to look forward to as we abandoned 2011 and looked forward into 2012. Here is what we all wished for:

Ella

1. See the sea.  You did - we went to Woolacombe in late March and again in the summer
2. Go to Wimbledon.  You did - with Amy in the the June, just as you finished chemo
3. See the Lion King musical (again) - you did, thanks to SACO and the Lion King being on at the hippodrome in Bristol
4. Go for a nice long walk - you walked along the beach with your girlfriends in August last year
5. Buy a bike and go for a cycle ride - no joy, but we sort of did that for you by going to Glasto a few weeks ago on bikes some of us!)
6  Sit on top of the sand dunes in Woolacombe - done again with your girlfriends last summer

5 out of 6 not bad

Sophie
1. Weekend away in London with a girlfriend - done, a day last summer with Hollie, then a few days away Easter just gone
2.  Go on a huge trampoline - not yet
3.  Get out of the UK for a break - done, the wonderful Gaynor and Ian flew you to the USA last summer
4.  Get bellybutton pierced - done last summer, it looks amazing

3 out of 4 not bad

Jo
1. Go to Cornwall - done, three times since I wrote the wish down
2. See Faithless in concert - not done, but they have disbanded
3.  Attend a creative writing course - done, a one day event earlier this year
4.  Start a new blog - done "Dear Ella" here with - bet you wish I hadn't made that wish

3 out of 4 - that's good.

Simple wishes - nice things don't have to be massive

Lots of love
Mum
xx


Monday 5 August 2013

Forrest Gump...

Dear Ella,

Was just about to go to bed last night, when the movie Forrest Gump started.  So in true Forrest style   "stupid is as stupid does",  I couldn't stop myself and stayed up till gone midnight watching it from start to end.

Last time I watched it was when were on holiday in the USA years ago.

What a great movie - and my favourite quote is from Forrest's mum  as below.


Life's a box of chocolates, Forrest. You never know what you're gonna get.

Wise words.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Wednesday 31 July 2013

Singing - now!

Dear Ella,

So we have run, cycled, swum and played cricket "for Ella".  Time to hang up the sporting equipment and get down to activities closer to your heart.

Music and movement for Ella

An event that the wonderful SACO Bath team have developed and will be hosting.

So we will be there on 15 August - thinking about you lots and lots as ever.  It's the same day that the A level results will be be out - so a big day all round.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Tuesday 30 July 2013

Another moment

Dear Ella,

But not in Asda!  This time in the car park behind the M Shed - just walking home minding my own business, when suddenly in front of me there appeared two boys/lads dressed as strawberries - I kid you not!

Of European descent, late teens, early 20's, babbling away in a language that was not English - and looking like strawberries.

I carried on, but did turn round to take a second look and make sure I hadn't imagined it - no I hadn't!

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Monday 29 July 2013

An Asda moment

Dear Ella,

Am Still trudging down to Asda to stock up on food for the week, as ever there is always some kind of an experience to see or edge around.   Do you remember the night the man got arrested at the till next to us, and there was the day we pretended we were on the french riviera - catching the sun whilst the car was treated to a wash and polish up?

Anyway - tonight as I came out - there was a huge seagull eating a bag of Monster Munch crisps - couldn't see if they were pickled onion or roast beef flavour, but it was a strange sight to behold - and somewhat surreal.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Didn't think to get a picture on my phone, but if I had - it might have looked a bit like this



Sunday 28 July 2013

Great news

Dear Ella,

Great news......

After heavy rainfall my water but is full again :)  For the first time since Bob installed it two years ago, it had actually reached empty after all my recent busy watering activity.  So that's a relief  - I can sleep again!

Still on the heady note of gardening, I can proudly report that I have received a "good garden" award - just like last year, and that was despite my bumper broad bean crop being long finished!

Are you rolling your eyes yet?

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Thursday 25 July 2013

Every day is a learning day

Dear Ella,

Every day is a learning day - boy am I learning!

I learnt two things today.

1.  Your sister really is nearly 18, she is no longer my "little girl".  Of course I have known that for ages and been trying to come to terms with it, but this afternoon a real moment of clarity.  I was walking home from work minding my own business, and was aware of two girls walking towards me and thought "they are about Ella's age" - low and behold it was Sophie and a friend (the lovely Holly).  17 going on 20.   That's good right?

2. Sun Dog - you know on your day back in November at Woodlands- there was a bright light in the sky that everyone talked about and took photos of?   Well I learnt tonight that it's called a Sun Dog or a Mock Sun.  Stevie came to see me and we had such a lovely time chatting about you, Ashton Park days, life, the universe and well "Sun Dogs".


Sundogs may appear as a coloured patch of light to the left or right of the sun, 22° distant and at the same distance above the horizon as the sun, and in ice halos. They can be seen anywhere in the world during any season, but they are not always obvious or bright. Sundogs are best seen and are most conspicuous when the sun is low.

Thank you Stevie

Lots of love
Mum
xxx

Ella's Sun Dog