Thursday 31 January 2013

Think we moved forward

Dear Ella,

Review meeting a la Sophie today - think we all did good and you would be pleased with us all.

Yesterday, I did b'reav therapy for me - useful "ish".

Am hoping very soon that sitting in dull rooms on low chairs trying to talk and articulate feelings with boxes of tissues conveniently available will soon be a thing of the past.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Wednesday 30 January 2013

The fab four

Dear Ella,

Recent letters have been a bit me, me, me - very needy and self indulgent.  So thought this evening I would lend you a little update about the wonderful girls.

Annie - lovely visit yesterday from Annie and Kate.  Annie over the moon that she no longer seems to be allergic to cats and Brian was not in biting mode the whole time she was here, although she did have to separate a Brian/Fizz scuffle once or twice.  I always feel very peaceful and calm sitting next to Annie - so hope that's how she feels inside.  I did not make her drink spinach juice - but we laughed about our juicing escapades last summer.  Kate and Annie both very excited about Sophie's offer from Cardiff Uni.  A sneaky glass of red with Kate to celebrate it being Monday night - and well just being with great friends.

Georgina - how lucky am I - remember those lovely long letters she used to write to you - well I get them now.  Can't tell you how great it is to come in from work and see the familiar writing on the envelope and settle down for a good read.   Actually she starts of with "Dear Jo" I get a paragraph or two - then its "Dear Ella" and the download comes - but she says its OK for me to read.  Tough times on her recent placement - more of that another night - but I am in awe of how she has coped.

Amy - that Clutterbuck girl sends an e mail out of the blue and it hits the spot just when it's needed - somehow we seem to be in tune at the same time.  Last weekend a foray into contemporary jazz for Amy - not sure you would approve, but I am looking forward to hearing how it went.

Maisy - lots of Maisy therapy as you called it once on your blog.  She's only just headed back to Sheffield - so we have had several visits, and Maisy being Maisy makes us unpack how we are feeling and get it all out on the table - and it works!

In February its the big 21 birthday celebrations for Maisy - so everyone will be back in Bristol and it will be so good to gather and meet in various shapes and forms to celebrate and of course smile and talk about you.   What a shame you are missing the party - its fancy dress - so am signing off with you dressed as "Turkey" a few summers ago.

Lots of love
Mum
xx

Ella, Annie, Laurie and Amy





Tuesday 29 January 2013

Laugh till I cried

Dear Ella,

Something happened on Sunday - which felt good, but also felt wrong.

I was out with Grandad and U Bob - grave hunting for old Tarzey ancestors of all things.  Anyway, U Bob was off in the undergrowth like some intrepid explorer and I was left in charge of Grandad on the path awaiting further instructions - from the undergrowth.

"How was your week Dad?" - and that opened up the opportunity for a series of Grandad like stories - one of which made me laugh out loud till tears were rolling down my cheeks.  You know how funny he  can make a story without even realising he's doing it.   In fact it was so funny I was still smiling about it yesterday.    Anyway, it felt great to laugh so much, but then I suddenly remembered you weren't here to recount the story to - and it felt wrong to be laughing and having a good time.

So in my standard fashion, I mentally checked in with you to get your advice - and "permission granted to laugh" was given.

Will try to laugh more - I promise

Lots of love

Mum

xxx

Saturday 26 January 2013

Signed off!

Dear Ella

Just signed off the words for your "stone".

Its taken a bit of deciding and pondering, but think they are right.

I imagined helping to choose universities, life choices,  wedding dresses......... when I became a Mum - but never having to choose something like this.

But there we are done now - hopefully they will be with you within the next few weeks and then it will be very clear for everyone where you are.

Another weekend in front of us - nice but poignant.


Lots of love

Mum

xx

Thursday 24 January 2013

What did you do today?

Dear Ella,

I wonder what you were up to and thinking about today...we were all busy getting on with life and thinking about Granny - as it was a year ago today she had to go and leave us all.

Do you remember that Tuesday evening - you were so brave and determined going back into hospital to start chemo after your big operation.  I left Bob R and Kate "in charge" whilst I spent the day and evening with Granny, the Uncles and Grandad.   I got to you about 8ish - you were tucked away in that  long thin four bed ward -  by the window.  A bit disgruntled, fed up, apprehensive and of course very sad.   We chatted, hugged and shed a few tears and then I left you to go home and see Sophie.   As I left your hospital I heard church bells ringing out loud and clear, and as I said at Granny's funeral - to this day when ever I hear church bells they make me think of her - loud, clear, familiar, in tune, reassuring, traditional and celebratory.

I heard church bells this evening as I dropped Grandad home from dinner out with me, Jim and Sophie - they sounded lovely and I thought - "there she goes, ringing out" - her presence still felt by us all.

I think about you both so much in every way - and try to feel and sense you at every turn.

Mostly, I just can't believe that you are not here.

Lots of love

Mum

xx







Tuesday 22 January 2013

Walking, walking, walking

Dear Ella,

I must have walked miles and miles since November 21 - its good therapy, one foot in front of the other moving forward and breathing.

Sometimes my head is busy and skitters all over the place from you, to work, to Sophie, to the weekend, to friends, to family, to what to cook for dinner, to how cold/warm/wet it is, to is my leg hurting or not and a million and one other random thoughts in no organised pattern at all

 Other times it's empty and I arrive at my destination and if I was asked - would not be able to say what thoughts had passed through my head.

My most frequent walk is home to work and back again - there are many "Ella markers" all the way there and back:

Los Iguanas - one of your favourite restaurants
Bristol Guild where you used to work
BS8 and Motel - from time to time you loved the clothes in these shops
Bristol School of Art at the RWA - where you studied Foundation Art
Nandos - just how much chicken did you eat there?
Gaol Ferry Bridge - you loved a good bridge
Jamies - great for a special occasion - do you remember my birthday dinner - June 2011

..and then the turn into Allington Rd on the way home, and that "ah - nearly home" feeling - you loved coming home - shoes off, bag dumped, coat abandoned - cup of tea - home!

Sometimes I listen to hear you coming through the door...

Lots of love
 Mum
x



Monday 21 January 2013

Fifteen minutes of Fame

Dear Ella

As I said to you last week.....


"Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes"


"Babe - I think your slot will be longer than 15 minutes"

So not every ones idea of fame and obviously not for a reason that you or any of us want - but front page of the Bristol Evening Post (and second and tenth) - stacks of interest and money coming in already.  

My lovely girl we will run, walk, crawl, swim, cycle and just about do anything to get that unit open in Bristol that you were so passionate about.  So watch over us while we busy ourselves and keep occupied.  

Lots of love
Mum

xx
Getting Better

Just Giving Remember Ella


Sunday 20 January 2013

It was great

Dear Ella


On Saturday we went to see Quartermaine's Terms at Bath Theatre Royal, do you remember when we booked the tickets?  I was dithering around - "shall I or shan't I" - and you said "just book them, you love Rowan Atkinson, and I will be loads better and it will be a great afternoon out".

So I did book them and it was a great afternoon out (it would have been even better if you had been there), we laughed out loud - but it was also incredibly sad and we (Mark, Annie, Lorraine and myself) all agreed that it would stay in our minds for a very long time.  It was a useful reminder - yet again- to not just let time slip by in a rather useless, miserable kind of way.


Anyway, more theatre outings for me - forgotten how much I love it.  Do you remember when I took you and Sophie to see the play Three Days of Rain in London, the three of us were entranced and couldn't stop talking and thinking about if for days afterwards.    How talented to be able to write, produce direct and act drama that stays with people.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

PS - do you still think that U Bob and Grandad have a look of "Rowan" about them?

Friday 18 January 2013

Familiar but not normal

Dear Ella,

So the snow came and the day unravelled - you know get to work in the snow, schools closed, everyone talks about it, airports closed, snowmen at every street corner, all over the news, snow photos everywhere on Facebook etc etc etc.

So we know the routine - its familiar - even though it doesn't happen very often - so sort of normal, and then suddenly I remember its not normal - because you are not here, and it hurts.

Lots of love

Mum

xx


Thursday 17 January 2013

Snow on the way

Dear Ella,

According to every forecast we are in for a big dump of snow over night and all the fun/inconvenience that brings.

Will we wake up to the gentle and strange quietness that a big snowfall brings?

I remember you loving it when you were little - snowmen building in the garden before breakfast, sledging on bin bags out at the Pump House and generally just running around with gay abandon - like most young children.

As you grew up (and your legs got longer) - you became more wary and not so enthusiastic - bambiesque on slippery patches at the best of times - you were brilliant at many things, but balance was not one of them.

I know that last winter we were truly grateful there was virtually no snow disruption - anything that would have stopped hospital runs, exits or treatment schedules would have been so frustrating and disappointing.  Equally trying to move around with your arm in a sling and goodness knows what else - would have been nigh on impossible.

So no snow last winter was good for us - and tomorrow (assuming it comes) - it will provide endless hours of fun and beauty for many, but I will stop and think of all those people for whom the snow will be incredibly frustrating and even scary.

Lots of love
Mum
xx

Wednesday 16 January 2013

Laugh out loud...

Dear Ella

Well this made me laugh out loud when I saw Annie's comment on the "Juicing" letter I wrote to you at the weekend, so just in case you missed it.

Think my health misses those juices, glad the juice master is back! I have an old text from Ella on my phone that says "Oi come over soon, my mum says she wants to give you a right juicing, whatever that means ha ha!" Needless to say I had to drink something with spinach in! xxx

Love it!

Lots of love

Mum

x

PS - January A levels done and finished today for Sophie - phew all-round

Tuesday 15 January 2013

Words from Andy Warhol

Dear Ella

What do you reckon to these words?


“They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
-Andy Warhol



They have been sitting in my in box for a few weeks...I have decided I like them because A - they are from Mr Warhol, we both liked his work and B - they ring true, time is innate and not really within our control except to make best use of it.  However, we can be in control or make an effort to change ourselves our responses and our actions and behaviours.  Of course easier said than done!

It then reminded me of one of his other very famous quotes -

Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. 

Babe - I think your slot will be longer than 15 minutes.

Lots of love

Mum
PS we never made it to MOMA in NY - where lots of Andy Warhol's work is - I will go for both of us one day soon.














Monday 14 January 2013

Busy, busy, busy

Dear Ella,

Well things are cracking on at a pace re our fund raising efforts - 10k runs, swims, cycle rides, half marathons  and a cricket match all in the planning!  It makes me smile a bit - as none of these activities were of much interest to you...and had you been around not sure if there would have been sight or sound of you!

However you are the inspiration (wish you weren't) and its all all for your chosen cause the Teenage Cancer Trust.   So groundswell and energy coming in from all sorts of places and currently many people signing up for the Bristol 10K  on May 5.  The team name is Run for Ella.

Maisy bless her has said "no" to participating in all sporting events  (she knows that is what you would have said) and is coming up with something far more creative and Maisy/Ella'ish - so watch this space...

Anyway, its keeping us all busy and concentrating on doing positive things - so that's good - isn't it?

Lots of love

Mum
x

Sunday 13 January 2013

Juicing!

Dear Ella,

Lots of advice from one and all about making sure I look after myself - sleep, diet, exercise etc etc etc.

On the note of diet I have become very bad at the old "5 a day mantra"...somehow fruit no longer does it for me, and 5 portions of vegetables or salad is hard work on a normal working day, (remembering that the Penny Brohn centre actually advocate 10 a day).  So I bravely got the juicer out this morning.  I had been planning to sell it on the basis that juicing was no longer fun without you around.

With great gusto I juiced oranges, melon, carrots, lime and an old pear that had been languishing in the fruit bowl for a week or so, and then knocked it back in one.  5 a day done in one go!   Its the way forward, and like everything else I do - hard but also strangely easier if I think about you and listen to your advice - "Get a grip Mum".

The juice master is back!

Lots of love

Mum

xx




Friday 11 January 2013

The universe - probably too big a subject

Dear Ella,

Funny old Friday... went out to St Peters Hospice to chat to a "bereavement expert" - I went because I knew you would have told me to go...so I did.  Was an experience that's for sure, and not a waste of time.  Enough said.

Anyway, it must have released something, felt the urge to look through a few of your things when I got home - this included your Art School stuff.   It made me smile when I found one of your tutor feedback sheets  which included the headline - "The Universe - probably too big a subject"?

Oh Ella, the universe has never been too big a subject for you - black holes, solar system, stars, asteroids - you name it you loved it.

I wonder what your universe is like now?

Lots of love

Mum
xx


Wednesday 9 January 2013

Silly Brian

Dear Ella

Its official - Brian is really missing you - maybe even as much as me!

The onslaught of presents in the form of worms and sticks continues, and she pesters me or Sophie from the minute we get in for attention, clearly missing your undivided attention.

Just in from a catch up with Marion and Shelagh - checking my emails and thinking about a blog entry and here she is "our mate" with me every step of the way!

Love you lots

Mum
X
PS - she is now playing football with my cheque book (whats one of those) around the kitchen floor...







Tuesday 8 January 2013

Pointless



Dear Ella,

Well my love, I am still watching "Pointless" on the TV - old habits die hard!

I leave work late afternoon to come home and knock around the house so that I can irritate Sophie.  I flick the telly on and there are Alexander and Richard still chuntering on trying to get us all to give pointless answers.   It makes me think of all the days in and out of hospital where we would rely on the these two boys to get us through the 5.15 to 6pm slot.

Even on your very last day with us - 20 November, I made everyone who was in the house come and sit in your room and watch Pointless.  You were totally out of it - due to all the medication and as we now know slowly preparing for your final departure.   At some level I really hope you knew we were all there and could hear Alexander and Richard bantering away.

Anyway, in my bleaker moments, I sometimes think that ironically "Pointless" is how life feels without you - but then I give myself a good talking to and try to think of "Pointless" as simply a game show that we enjoyed watching together.

On the subject of TV - The final episodes of Homeland were fantastic, but missed having you next to me to ooh and ah.  Also big, big confession  - tonight StarGazing, series 3 with - Brain Cox and Dara O'Brian has been usurped for BBC4 and a chemistry program on the elements - blame Sophie the Chemist!

Lots of love
Mum
xx

Brian and Dara


Alexander and Richard!




Monday 7 January 2013

Nothing really

Dear Ella,

Nothing really.....and of course that's what day to day living and life is all about, no "wow guess what happened", life shattering events or otherwise to report  - just another day.

Still a week of getting on with things - so arranging a meeting with the Teenage Cancer Trust re fund raising, a trip to a physio (at last) to try and sort out my broken body so that I can run again, major hair surgery on Thursday night and so on.

So hope you are pleased that I am not moping around too much - equally taking a steady and measured approach - don't want go off the deep end and all that.

Lots of love
Mum

PS - also trying hard not to irritate Sophie too much...........................easier said than done!

PPS - you will be pleased to hear am still taking the "pills" - to prevent mood swing/irritable horrible female midlife syndrome setting in..... seem to be working, so hope you are pleased!


Saturday 5 January 2013

Saturday Morning

Dear Ella

Hi lovely, well its around 10am Saturday morning - I am at the kitchen counter, laptop up and running, cup of coffee on the go and Brian jumping around trying to join in.

I loved our Saturday mornings together - you would come down about now in your PJ's and dressing gown "morning",  "morning, love, cup of tea?"  "please" - and then we would settle in to a peaceful rhythm of reading the Saturday Guardian, drinking tea and coffee, eating toast/bacon sandwiches. bagels or what ever your current breakfast favourite was.  James Martin - Saturday Morning Kitchen on the TV - sunlight (if we were lucky) filtering through the skylight and just a gentle sense of contentment and well being.

Of course this was not how it should have been - if all had been well you would have been off in the big wide world creating your own Saturday morning rhythms with lots of other people.  But your illness had taught us to enjoy everyday things - and the fact that you were at home on a Saturday morning and not in hospital and able to take pleasure in simple things was somehow enough.

Lots of love

Mum

x



Thursday 3 January 2013

Haircut and a worm

Dear Ella,

Flipping heck - had a moment today - went with Sophie to have her hair cut.  As I sat there the memories came flooding back of the day I took you to the hairdressers in September 2011.  I am sure your remember it well - you had made the brave decision to have your very long beautiful hair  cut off in preparation for it all falling out as your chemotherapy treatment progressed.

It was so traumatic - part of your very essence being cut away and you were feeling so sick from your first blast of chemo.  The guy cutting your hair had to keep stopping to let your waves of nausea and tears pass.

Of course you looked stunning with short hair, but that didn't last long as every last hair fell out and you were left balder than the day you were born.  We all the got very used to you in your black turban, or big brown woolly bobble hat and then celebrated with you many months later as your hair grew back.

The side effects of chemo were many and brutal - but arguably none were as brutal for you as loosing your hair.  I am sure this is probably the same for many other cancer patients, and the relentless kindly meant words like "don't worry it will grow back", and "aren't there so many lovely hats, wigs, scarves etc" to wear really don't help.

Anyway, as we know your hair did grow back, and although it never had time to grow very long, we were approaching a trip to the hairdressers to get it tidied up.  In the end there was no time for the visit - but at least you have got your hair with you now.

Lots of love
Mum
x
PS - Nasty Brian moment tonight - a long worm presented to me in the lounge...................thanks mate!










Wednesday 2 January 2013

Dreams, T Rex and Puppies

Dear Ella

Well it was back to work with a bang today..... it would have been easy to have dragged my heels, but I remembered two things on my walk in:

1.  Your blog post I don't Like Mondays  where you very articulately wrote about your longing to lead a normal life and do things like go to school/work/college and just have a regular type day.

2.  For the first time since you have been gone, I dreamt about you last night.  I have been waiting and wondering when you would come, it was only briefly, quite confusing and very strange, but you were very real.  Funny I didn't remember the dream when I first woke up - but an hour or so later.

So with those two thoughts, I made it through the day despite my ongoing pathetic cold and lack lustre night of sleep.

Therapy comes in all shapes and sizes - this evening I was fortunate enough to get two sorts:

1.  A drive in the dark - Sophie by my side, music up loud  - BANG A GONG - T REX, one of those tracks that all three of us love.   I find loud music in the car and driving in the dark very therapeutic and a great space to smile and think about you.


2.  Puppies - well not really therapy for me (but they were for Sophie),  for me it was more about being at the Pump House - somewhere that I feel very close to you.  We so often spent time there with the wonderful Annie and Quentin as you were growing up.  It feels very safe, familiar and easy.  You would LOVE the puppies..... so here they are...

Lots of love
Mum
x




Tuesday 1 January 2013

Safety net and being there

Dear Ella

Well here we go - 2013 has started.

Have I learnt anything from 2012 - of course the answer is yes!

1.  To slow down and take time and not race forward to the next day, week, month year.  Today is today and needs to be relished in whatever shape or format.

2.  Really, really awful things happen - but somehow they can be navigated and are survivable - but a new shape has to be adapted to, understood and tried for size.  This takes time - maybe a lot of time.

3.  Friends and family are simply amazing - like a safety net they are there to catch you, hold you and simply to be there.  Last night (New Years Eve) was a wonderful example of this - where close friends and one brother spent the evening with me laughing, sharing and enjoying the hours unto midnight and just after.  No one was afraid to mention your name and I could feel you watching and laughing at "us olds" as we partied on.  

4. "Being there" - is an amazing gift that we can give each other.  The act of "being" in what ever shape or format is so simple but so magnificent at the same time.  I hope I was "being there" enough for you - and got the balance right to give you space and time with others as well.

Enough looking back, tomorrows post will be about moving forward and making sure I take your spirit with me in everything I do.

Lots of love

Mum
x