Thursday 28 February 2013

Stop everything and go to your quiet space

Dear Ella,

Just lovely e mails and messages have come in over the past 24 hours, as ever they all help in some shape or format.

This message struck a real cord "stop everything and go to your quiet space"  from Stevie, and I guess that's what I do every night when I write to you and then go to bed - its my quiet space to really think about you and all the people who are really important to me.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Wednesday 27 February 2013

WHAM

Dear Ella,

Just a regular kind of day - Wednesday'ish - so middle of the week, last weekend a distant memory the next one appearing on the horizon.  Usual routines - getup, eat, walk, work, walk, eat and so on and then all of a sudden WHAM - it really is real - you aren't hear and never, ever will be again.  The pain is instant, overwhelming and shocking.  I can't give it away or pass it on and wouldn't want to.

So I went to spend some time in your room, had a rummage in your drawers - panic set in I couldn't find your favourite T Shirt - the huge baggy one with a big E on the front it it.....turns out Sophie had got there first and had squirrelled it away in her room.  So its safe and in a great place - I hope it's helping her.

Then I went to Asda.......and life goes on.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx



Tuesday 26 February 2013

Buns of steel - not quite yet

Dear Ella,

Have been working steadily through my "to do"lists which I wrote in early January.  One was called "stuff to do - dull" the other was "stuff to do - nice".  I am pleased to report that things are getting ticked off both lists.

A big tick this evening - but still work in progress.  I have been going to physiotherapy sessions every Tuesday since early Jan to get my aching, broken body mended so that I can run this dam 10k in May and not  have to ask for a mobility scooter for my 53 birthday!  The diagnosis was amusing - "weak bottom muscles",  in other words - my gluteus maximus muscles were in retirement, not in use and were lounging around like jelly on a plate!  

Week by week I have followed the plan and done the daily exercises.   Brian and Fizz look on as my bemused audience while I squeeze and stretch on the living room floor every evening.   Exciting news  at todays session - apparently "my glutes are back in the room and working" - still work to do before I arrive at "buns of steel status", but I was allowed to run briefly and if there had been chart, think I would have been given a gold star.

Nice one Jo - feel quite proud that I have got this far and bizarrely these exercises have become part of my daily rhythm - and are therefore part of my Getting Better therapy, both physically and mentally.

Anyway, must sign off - time to get down and get squeezing - the things we do!

Lots of love

Mum
xxx









Monday 25 February 2013

You can rely on Amy Clutterbuck

Dear Ella,

That Clutterbuck girl continues to send inspirational and amusing e mails that just make me smile when I open them.  This picture really made me smile :)

Here is one of my absolute favourite pictures ever ever: ella's titled it 'We couldn't have been happier in this photo', and that is so so true, taken after epic 2 hour green day gig at Rock Wurchter summer 2010, having listened to them in bikinis and dancing to every song, having the best time possible - then enjoying and cooling down with a  mojito :)


Lots of love Mum
xxx








Sunday 24 February 2013

London calling

Dear Ella,

So I finally braved up and went away for the weekend - hope that was OK with you.  As it happens you kind of came with me.  I went to London and of course you were everywhere.

Your love of London started about eight years ago - when you, me and Sophie began setting off on our mini London adventure's - a few days just hanging out - sightseeing, walking around, a bit of culture - a theatre trip, exhibition etc and always lots of shopping!  I went back to some your favourite spots - the South Bank, Tate Modern (didn't venture in for any of those weird and scary installation viewings), Millennium Bridge, Regent Street, Uniqlo (not a great Spring collection in my view), Trafalgar Square, Westminster Abby (only outside this time) and plenty of eating treats.  I got "London Feet" - which made me smile, you always got really bad "London Feet" and would groan and moan, but cheer up after a drink and cake stop.

Of course you went on to have London adventures without me and Sophie in tow and went up for some modelling assignments as well.  I still laugh thinking about the day we came with you to meet one of the agencies that were keen to find you assignments - you were told to practice wearing high shoes, by wearing them round the house to do domestic chores like washing up, vacuuming etc!  LAUGH,  I nearly cried - "domestic chores" - never your forte, always easier to sit and watch me and Sophie running round doing them.  So you never really practiced walking in high shoes - as it turns out, didn't really matter.

Thanks for all those great times in London memories and for coming with me again this weekend.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

2006 Sophie, Ella and Nelson

Jo, Robbie and Ella



Thursday 21 February 2013

A blast from the past


Dear Ella,

This was a lovely letter from one of your "guy friends" at school - gosh you loved school so much.  A real coincidence with the Gingersnap connection - happy modelling days.  As you always said, not glamorous, but a good way to earn money and meet some interesting people - one of your "snaps" below.

Lots of love
Mum
xx




Dear Ella, 

I don't think there's currently been a day where I haven't thought about our school days together, where we spent the summer months 'down by the tree' with all our friends in our white polo's with the school logo on. It's strange to think that it was around about 5 years ago, where I would definitely have the workload of GCSEs over Degree any-day. I went to Gingersnap the other day for my current Uni brief working with a hair company, they had asked us if we had ever worked with models from gingersnap and it got me thinking about your model work. I had told them I went to school with you and it turns out you had a mass effect on everyone who knew you and even those that didn't. A well achieved goal in my eyes at least.

Credit where credit is due, I know we didn't talk in the last few years after school, but your words still acted as an source of understanding (you and your mum) more-so recently for me and the rest of my family, as my mum battled illness not too long ago. Hearing the news of your departure, to me it left me shocked, and left me questioning the world, but over the last few months I can only understand that you are limitless in your fields of practice (science/fashion/modelling). 

Before I wrote this my mind was full of things I wanted to talk to you about, but now I sit here unknown what I want to say but Thank You. Thank You to my friend, and your family because without you and your family I would have not had the wonderful, funny friend through school and sixth form. 

I hope to keep in contact,

Joe 

P.S I apologise for the grammar and spelling. English was never my best subject.




Wednesday 20 February 2013

All the way from San Fran..



Dear Ella,

Here is your "big sister" Laura Pepper all the way from San Fransisco

Lots of love
Mum
xx
PS - Sophie just signed up for 10k  - Run for Ella Team :)



Dear Ella, 
As I flew home to see you, you had already left and taken your own flight on a journey free of the pain that had clipped your wings for so long.

I chatted with your mum today and we wondered where you are, and what exactly your heaven would be. I am still thinking about this, but my immediate thoughts are that wherever you are, you are peaceful, out of pain, and resting. I also imagine your world to be beautiful and bright, and full of everything you ever wished for. You would be in the country, and working creatively by somehow fusing your love of architecture, fashion and music.
Of course there are kittens and puppies skipping around in the finest sparkly accessories! 

It's true that the brightest lights burn for half as long, and you are a shining example. 
You will disagree when I say that you were brave. But you were. You were brave, gracious and dignified throughout. Your sense of humour never failed you, even on the darkest days, and this is something I will never forget, and it is something I hope I can learn from, and take with me.

My memories of you will always be with me, whether its buying your homemade lemonade from your table-top shop in the street at glentworth rd, or staying up late watching TV shows about unfortunate pets with wheels for back legs, and then laughing aloud at the randy parrot with a fondness for its owners head, ......Or even eating burgers on your bed, whilst cheating at the guardian crossword waiting for the chemotherapy to finish so we can go home and sit in the garden. 

Words now fail me, so I'll sign off with some advice for your new world. If Elvis is there, don't, for god sake let him help you decorate your country cottage. I have been to his house and the decoration is very questionable!
Also, don't listen to a word Jimmy Saville says!

Rest in peace gorgeous girl. I will look for you in the stars, the sparkle as the sun hits the ocean, and in the moon beams that guide me home at night.

You will always be in my heart,
All my love
Pepper xxxxxxx

Tuesday 19 February 2013

Your going to love this one

Dear Ella

As an up and coming scientist - your going to love this one.  Lots of people still talk about the balloons from your day, so in case you couldn't see them - pictures below along with amazing words from Lisa.

Lots of love Mum

xx

I've also been thinking a lot about the balloons at the funeral. It was stunning. I'm doing a chemistry degree, and we have been learning about energy and enthalpy, and how it does not disaappear, only transfer from a system to the surroundings or to the surroundings to a systerm. The helium for instance, when it reaches far up in the stratosphere will become more spontaneous and burst out of the balloon, in my mind, creating mini random little explosions for Ella. Like the burst of joy and energy that she was full of. it also means Ella's 'chemical energy' (apologies for such a crude explanation, I'm only a first year, and it's kind of abstract) has NOT gone. it's just transfered. I like to think it's everywhere. It's a thought that I find comforting, and wanted to share it with you. 

Just know your majestic beauty Ella, has inspired many




Monday 18 February 2013

What a relief

Dear Ella,

You will be pleased to hear that I am going to give you a break and let other people do the writing for a few days.  Letters and messages for you continue to arrive in all shapes and formats - they are all so lovely and I am sure will make a welcome relief from my ramblings.
Lots of love
Mum
xx


''Dear Ella,
Yesterday I went to the second of my Bereavement Groups. This time we really got stuck into emotions and did some (rather wacky) exercises to express ourselves. One that has stuck with me, and I realise sounds totally silly when I explain it, was when we were given boxes of 'things', varying from rocks to love hearts, and asked to put them down on the floor in a pattern of sorts that would represent where we stood with our family and relations in the current situation we were there to grieve over. Mine obviously involved more friends than family, so I decided this was still ok and set about choosing an assortment of buttons. It is the first time I have been asked to represent things in such a way but I tried to do what they were saying and went along with it, and before I knew it had a rather methodical pattern of buttons set around a centre point. That centre button was you. It felt very weird to say so when faced with questions from my partner in the exercise. Also rather subconsciously you were a clear button and all the others were solid colours. Talking about why these things occurred felt very surreal. I'm still not sure what I have taken from it, but hopefully we will revisit it in a few weeks time and try the same thing again. The aim is to see if any thing has changed - ie. buttons move closer to eachother means relationships repaired/building/becoming closer, and moving further apart may mean we are moving on etc, I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway what has stuck with me is this idea of you being this clear, near invisible button in the middle of a big circle of friends. It really saddened me to look on my buttons and see that the circle wasn't complete, and had I been asked to do this on a regular day maybe a year ago, we would all have been at equal points, in a group, together. I was sorry to see that was not the case now. And from the bottom of my heart hoped that that would change. But I know it won't. I felt that somehow if you were here and could have seen it (and were willing to be involved in such a strange and controversial activity!) that you would have been offended to not have been in our circle of friends, and would have hated the fact that you were different. So I just wanted to write and apologise in a sense for thinking of you like this. 
Anyway on a better note, next week we have been asked to take in a reading of some sort, I have got two - the poem I read at your celebration back in November, and Greenday lyrics :) The thought of this being the activity next week has cheered me up a little, and I look forward to going back. 
All my love,
Georgina''

Sunday 17 February 2013

Armour

Dear Ella

A thought came into my head last week as I was as ever "walking".

I must have been walking to work - because I looked at all the other people walking and commuting to work in their work clothes and thought "we have all got our work armour on".  Suited and booted in what ever style is appropriate - we were all dressed for work and walking determinedly forward to face our days.

I guess you can say the same for what ever we are doing or event we are going to - from the expression on our faces, to what we are wearing -  its a type of "armour" that we present to the world and protects our core.  Something to hide behind and/or proudly present and show off.

No armour required this morning - just PJ's, a cup of tea, Brian and a very peaceful kitchen.

Lots of love

Mum
x


Thursday 14 February 2013

No TV!

Dear Ella

Dont panic - have not turned into a TV obsessive!   Have just re read my last two blogs and realised they have both been about TV viewing activity.

Not much time for TV viewing tonight - its Valentines Day (did you get any cards? I got one!), so Sophie is off for a "big night out" out, and I am off for a romantic dinner for two with the lovely Lorraine.

Might have to get my Eastenders fix on the 10.30pm shift - riveting stuff this week, Bianca struggling with teenage challenges!

Another week nearly bites the dust.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx






Wednesday 13 February 2013

Insane

Dear Ella,

Why do we do insane things in life????

Tonight Sophie wanted to watch Brain Doctors on BBC2 - didn't think anything of it and then - before I knew it was transported back to the many times I went with you to the operating theatres in the Oxford hospitals and then spent hours with you in the recovery rooms afterwards.  I could actually smell the smells, hear the noises and almost feel we were back there.  Ghastly at the time - but marginally better than now!

Brain Doctors was actually about a lovely neuro surgeon working with children in the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford - so a bit different to your situation - but remarkably similar.

Could not stop watching it!

Lots of love

Mum
xx


Tuesday 12 February 2013

February-itis

Dear Ella,

Brrrrr, its very chilly and dull as winter drags on (although not as cold as it is in Montreal, brilliant post from Maya recently).  Not sure I have ever understood the point of February, a bit old and cynical for Valentines day, Spring seems like a long way off, and Christmas festivities an age ago.

Some signs of spring in the garden - the Lenten Rose you gave me last year is in flower and one of our baby daffodils is actually out, but warm sunshine and summer days seem a very long way off.

However, summer came a tiny bit closer this evening - yet again "Mamma-Mia" came on the TV and like addicts - me and Sophie were glued to it!   Suddenly we were back on sunny, hot Skiathos, August 2009. Remember the day we chartered the boat and went amongst other places to the Mamma-Mia church, we swam in the turquoise seas, ate and drank, laughed and relaxed - never thinking that would be very nearly the last holiday you would go on.  Thank goodness it was such a good one.

We coined you the  Dancing Queen

Keep dancing my lovely girl

Lots of love

Mum
xx






The best holiday gang in the world - with the "skipper"


Monday 11 February 2013

A rubber wall

Dear Ella,

I was out for dinner with some friends on Saturday night - we all had something in common - being mums and teenage daughters.  I am sure you can imagine some of the conversation themes!

Anyway, someone said - "what was Ella like when she was seventeen"?  I thought for a moment and said "I can't really remember".  My memories are still so skewed and focused by your illness, and the way you had to be and I had to be - that it's very hard to reach back and remember before.

Can you remember what you were like when you were seventeen?  I try hard to reach back - but its like pushing back through a rubber wall, I nearly get through and then I get bounced back to you being ill. So I try another part of the wall - but get bounced back again.  If I keep trying - will I eventually make it through and if I do - will I like what I see/remember?

Lots of love

Mum

xx






Friday 8 February 2013

Catching my tail

Dear Ella,

A catching up kind of a day, no work, lots of jobs and chores and time to just be.

The sun came out at one point so I snuck off to Cage Gusto for a coffee and sat in peace and quiet and just was.

How many times did we share a Gusto Americana when you were in hospital?  I would be dispatched to the nearest Gusto, for coffee, juice and some kind of bizarre sandwich.  Bless you, your face would light up on my return and we would sit amongst the bleeping machines, bags of chemo and chat and catch up.   It helped to fill in time and was certainly better than hospital food and coffee.

My morning coffee moment took me back to those endless days in hospital and the grind and relentless energy and determination that was needed from you and all of us to get through them.  Bizarrely, I find myself missing the hospital and the medical crew - and have been back once to just say hi.   You are very much missed by all the nurses and of course Dr D.

Lots of lovely messages from people - who like me are missing you soooooooooo much, what a gap you have left.

Lots of love

Mum

xx




Thursday 7 February 2013

Why today?

Dear Ella,

Why does missing you hurt more today than yesterday?

Maybe the superhuman effort of being "normal" yesterday?

Maybe just because...

Anyway it hurts.

Lots of love

Mum

xx

Wednesday 6 February 2013

Just how many frogs?

Dear Ella,

Question for you... just how many frogs can there be in the gardens around the back of Allington Road?

Not many left for sure - surely the biggest majority have now met their nightmare journey - savage jaws of Brian (your lovely, cute, cuddly kitten!!!!) onto the  Allington Rd kitchen floor for varying periods of time, minutes or hours depending on when a human being finds them.   Depending on who is around, they (the frogs) then get dispatched in a variety of ways:

1.  Jo - girly scream, dustpan and brush, heart pounding - throw them over the garden wall
2.  Mark - wondrously pick them up, admire and carry them in hands down to the nearby river
3.  Sophie - something to do with cardboard boxes and much revulsion

Nightmare over!

Some are dead, some are alive and one WAS IN ONE OF MY BOOT'S - enough

Ella, please can you have a word?

Lots of love

Mum

Ps - this is in addition to the worms......







Monday 4 February 2013

January compleated

Dear Ella,

I am always glad to see the back of January (as you well know), but this year even gladder.  Its been a long old haul since Christmas and even longer since 21 November - in fact 75 days.  

Is 75 a lot? Yes it is and no it isn't.  It's been busy for sure and that makes time motor along, not in a BMW smooth, purring kind of way, more a bumpy old jalopy way - stuttering and stopping but  some how managing to crank up and move forward each time the "old banger" stops.

Busy in an unspectacular way and also busy doing nothing at times - when I stop still and try so hard to reach out and connect to you, can you feel me?

Wanted to let you know that our "simple things to do list" is still on the fridge and guess what...I ticked one of mine off on Saturday, I went on a creative writing course.  I was so nervous, but it was great, for a few hours I totally lost myself and with guidance and encouragement - just wrote.  The feedback was very gentle and kind.  I walked home with a spring in my step and on the note of Spring - our bulbs in the back garden are well and truly on their way up.

Hope my blabbering on was not too irritating  when I came to see you at the weekend, looking forward to sunny day visits when I can sit with you instead of standing in the mud getting wet and blown all over the place.

Missing you so much

Lots of love
Mum