Sunday 31 March 2013

We missed you lots

Dear Ella,

We missed you and Mum/Granny lots and lots as we gathered together at Easter.

But - the sun shone, it was a little warmer and you were both somewhere near by.

Sneak preview of the "Run For Ella" T Shirts - they arrived today - so we all had a quick modelling session - Grandad, Sophie, Kezzia and Tommy looked the best.

They go on sale next week - more money for the  Teenage Cancer Trust South West appeal - think you would be pleased.

Happy Easter gorgeous girl

Lots of love

Mum
xxx




Friday 29 March 2013

Contentment

Dear Ella,

Spent some time this afternoon thinking and talking about the heady subject of "contentment" - how on earth does one achieve that state of mind?

Was with the lovely Annie (as in Annie and Q) - we couldn't work it out and could only agree that it would be nice to achieve - but seems just now unachievable.  Why?  Do we want too much, need too much, grieve too much, have too much to choose from, not disciplined enough and expect too much from ourselves and others?

That's a lot of questions, so we sat and thought and were in many ways "contented" doing just that for a while.....

Maybe contentment in short bursts is a good starting point.

Lots of love

Mum
xx




Thursday 28 March 2013

So it's the big Easter Break

Dear Ella,

The big four day holiday is looming - it will be good to have some slow down time.  Wont be able to start my gardening frenzy - its way too cold!

April 1 is just a day or so away, not sure I am that keen on April and Easter Eggs anymore - awful memories from two years ago when first you and the Sophie were diagnosed with your respective illnesses - I can still see the pile of Easter Eggs that never got eaten.

Last Easter was better - we had a lovely time with T&K - I love the photo below

Lots of love

Mum
xx



Wednesday 27 March 2013

We went for you

Dear Ella

Had to do something for you on Monday evening - it should have been you, but - well you know.

Caught the train to London and went to the final Teenage Cancer Trust concert at the Royal Albert Hall, we (me and Lorraine) saw Paul Weller but skipped Palma Violets.  We met lots of the TCT people and raised a glass to you and all the people behind us on our fund raising mission to get a Teenage Cancer  unit up and running in Bristol.

Do you remember how they as in the TCT nurse and coordinator used to promise that you could go to these gigs and events  when you were better - you never made it, a crying shame you would have loved it.  We only got to do the watching out front bit, but you would have gone for the whole day and met all the celebs, done the workshops, been so cool and generally had a ball.

Anyway, I am sure they raised a shed load of money and as importantly a huge amount of awareness for the charity and all the fantastic work they do.

Our fundraising efforts continue - U Bob e mailed last night to say we have gone over the £5,000 mark - and we haven't even really started yet.

Love you loads

Mum
xxx





Sunday 24 March 2013

3 beautiful things (3BT's)

Dear Ella

Back on the 3 BT's - except I have 6 for today - is that greedy?

1. Waking up to that "Saturday morning feeling" - (which didn't take too long to come  after the usual awful waking moment of remembering that you are not here) - no overwhelming timetable, simply more time to choose and do things, even down to what to eat for breakfast!

2.  Tidied and sorted your room - that feels better.  So you see nothing changes, you will know better than anyone and witnessed how often the the therapy of bringing order to chaos has calmed and settled me.  Hope your like what we have done, it was great to have your Dad helping me.

3.  After all the tidying and sorting - just having the whole day to myself - terrifying but wonderful.

4.   I ran three miles!

5.  Sophie coming home from work - enjoying her tea and then looking twenty million dollars as she set off for her night out.

6.   Geoff and Sue coming round for dinner. As ever Geoff cooked -  wonderful food and great company. There are no friends like old friends - and as you know we have been a threesome for a long time.  We reminisced about all the times you dipped in and out of our evenings over the years and relentlessly teased Geoff (lesbian boots) and hugged Sue.  We cried a lot but also said "WOW"!

Lots of love

Mum

xxx

Geoff, Ella and Sue 

Geoff,  Jo and Sue

Geoff and his apprentice


Thursday 21 March 2013

Being a Mum

Dear Ella,

I know I am always and will always be your Mum - but tonight it felt very real again.  I sat and chatted with  Jane and Kate and we waxed lyrical about our anguishes and joys as Mums' of daughters (and sons for Jane) - and none of you were physically present so it just was as it was.  Of course we had no answers, but lots of shared wisdom and infinite love for wonderful children.

Then home - me and Fizz watched EastEnders and Brian the belligerent toddler - trashed the washing and wrestled with imaginary frogs.

Lot of love

Mum
xx


Wednesday 20 March 2013

Walking

Dear Ella,

Still walking, walking, walking - it helps.

One foot in front of the other - eyes ahead - moving down streets, up steps, across roads - some what anonymous - nobody noticing or knowing.

It kind of works.

Lots of love

Mum
xx



Tuesday 19 March 2013

Old habits die hard

Dear Ella

Read this tonight from the teachings of a Buddhist monk called Thich Nhat Hanah.  He recommends we greet our emotions and 'habit energies' -- patterns we otherwise might not recognize as passing phenomena, and mistake them for our essential selves. "Hello, my habit energy" "Hello, my anger . . worry . . sadness" When you have greeted this well known visitor, it seems easier to regard its presence as a passing thing, and let it pass!

Worth a go...

"Hello my habit anxiety"
"Hello my habit sadness"
"Hello my habit I can't"

Will let you know how it goes.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx




Monday 18 March 2013

Keep a green tree in your heart...

and perhaps a singing bird will come.

Dear Ella,

Just back from three days away with wonderful girlfriends - Lorraine, Marion and Shelagh.  We stayed in a lovely house by the sea and the first thing I saw as I walked through the front door were the words "Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come"

So a small singing bird did come this weekend - guided and aided by love and care from wonderful friends.

Gentle, lovely times in the rain and the sun - with time to relax, laugh and think about Ella.

As I walked on the beach and watched the sea - I could clearly see two small girls, Ella in her red Gap fleece, Sophie in her pink one, busy on the sand, jumping over waves, climbing over rocks.  Damp, sandy and happy.

It was good to remember and have time  and space to let the memories come - you loved the beach and the seaside so much and so do I - still.

Lots of love
Mum

xx






Friday 15 March 2013

See the sea

Dear Ella

Just off to see the sea - its been a while....

Will you be there?

Lots of love

Mum

xxx

Thursday 14 March 2013

Anxious

Dear Ella

So when do you think my underlying anxiety and fear will go?

I realised today that I am always just waiting for the next piece of bad news or something  rubbish to happen.   Every time my phone goes I think "oh no what now"? When Sophie goes out - will she get home OK, (will I get home OK when I go out!)?  Down to really dull and mundane things like - what if the heating packs in? what if Brain brings another frog in? What if, what if , what if, what if........

I guess there have just been too many horrible things happen in recent years - and my thinking needs to shift gear - it's stuck in reverse just now - even neutral would be an achievement.  Really in comparison to so many -  I have so little to be anxious or fearful about.  

Bring on neutral and then at least first gear - forwards and positive - but Jo remember - BE PATIENT.

Lots of love

Your anxious Mum
xxx


Wednesday 13 March 2013

Harry Potter

Dear Ella,

Yet again (yes again) Sophie is watching a HP film on the TV (at least she has progressed from Hectors House - favourite video when she was about three).

Harry still does not do it for me - so really Sophie needs you here to get wrapped up in wizards, potions, death eaters, Ron Weasely appreciation and everything else that Hogwarts offers.  

Sometime I try to imagine how I would have felt if I had lost one of my brothers when I was seventeen - not lost like at the park or behind the sofa, but really lost, lost like she has lost you.  But, I can't  - so I just watch and wait.

Lots of love

Mum
xx




Tuesday 12 March 2013

Be patient

Dear Ella,

Tonight somebody said the words "be patient" to me.

They were said in the context of being a parent to a teenager - and are so right, but at the same time they resonated with me in other ways.

Jo - be patient with yourself, with your grief and with just now.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Monday 11 March 2013

Just settling down to my other job

Dear Ella,

A Monday working day over at SACO - promised I looked forward to it - forever your "I don't like Mondays" resonates with us all.   Now settling down to an evening of admin on fundraising activity -
crikey mate you have kicked up a storm!

Around 100  people running the Bristol 10k on 5 May.  We have arranged a pre and post venue meet up point with "Lorraine" catering, Run for Ella T shirts designed by Sophie and Jim, press photo shoots and on it goes

A cricket match on 23 June - at Ashton Park School with teachers and all sorts involved - U Jim and Mark sorting  

A bike ride to Glastonbury and back on 20 and 21 July.  You never made it so we are going for you! U Bob in charge

Nail varnish production - "Redmania" - Clare and Maisy

Art exhibition - Jude

...and lots more (someone is cycling from Bristol to Amsterdam, never mind Glasonbury!)  So far the Just Giving pages are approaching £4,000 - and we have barely started - we will get that unit up and running, I promise.

It all takes lots of work - but I am not alone - a great team with me and of course you at the front as the inspiration - I can feel you pushing us on.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Sunday 10 March 2013

Sweet card

Dear Ella,

Well thats Mothering Sunday over - far too commercialised when all is said and done.  (Or in Grandad's words - "You can hardly get into Tescos for bunches of flowers, cards and gifts!)

I did allow myself a few minutes first thing to read your cards from last year and the year before - both lovely, but sadly talked about "thanks" for looking after you - with reference to your illness.  Would just like to say for the record "my pleasure".

Lovely card and words from Sophie - with apparently present to follow when the post gets it act together.  Best of all a hug before bedtime.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Saturday 9 March 2013

I hope you had the time of your life

Dear Ella

The wonderful thing is, that I know you had the time of your life  - especially at school - here is the photographic evidence..

Time of your life

Wonderful to indulge in on a quiet Saturday afternoon - Laurie King what a montage and the music of course just wonderful, one of Ella's all time favourite tracks.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right,
I hope you had the time of your life. 

Lots of love

Mum
xxx



Thursday 7 March 2013

Bursting

Dear Ella,

Just bursting with pride today - Sophie got her January A level results - awesome, what a girl to achieve so much, and best of all she is so happy about it :)

So I am "bursting" just I like I used to "burst" when you came home with your achievements and great news.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx



Wednesday 6 March 2013

Small treats

Dear Ella

One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats.”
-Iris Murdoch


What do you think of this idea?   I like it.

Small is good, continuous = positive and treats - well we all need those!

Small treats so far this week -
  • Brief but very therapeutic catch ups with lovely girlfriends - Kate last night, Shelagh tonight
  • Going to bed early last night to read my book
  • A toasted cheese and ham panini and proper coffee at lunchtime today - and not at my desk
  • A letter from George to read this evening
  • Looking forward to a trip to the seaside next week
  • Taking five minutes to look out the window and appreciate the light mornings and longer days
Lots of love
Mum
x

Tuesday 5 March 2013

Now its socks..

Dear Ella,

I am just trying to imagine the conversation in a house near to ours.

"Anybody know where all the frogs have gone that used to be in our pond"?  "No, but on the note of missing things I have lost my favourite pair of wellington boot socks - have you seen them"?

I know where they all are!

Lots of love

Mum

xxxx

Saturday 2 March 2013

Snow drops and daffodills

Dear Ella,

So that feels better.  Hope you like the snowdrops and baby daffodils that I bought out and planted for you, I will bring lots more bulbs over the months.  It was great to be there early with no one else around - and it started to really feel like we had chosen the right place for you.

Less mud, not quite as cold and bleak, lots of spring flowers, birds chirping everywhere - could even hear a woodpecker busy at work, and best of all lots of country smells "cow dong" as you called it when  you were a little girl.  I think your tree will be planted later this month.

The words on your stone feel right for me (and your Dad), so I really hope they are OK with you - better explain how I chose them.   You'll be pleased to hear I remembered them from "Sex And The City" - one of our many shared pleasures (Series 1 - 6 and the two films got us through many a bleak hospital hour, I can still see Dr D rolling his eyes at us when he saw what we were watching).

So the words "Ever thine, Ever mine, Ever yours"  are read out to "Big" by Carrie from a book on great love letters she has borrowed from New York Central Library.  Turns out they were written by Ludwig Beethoven to his girlfriend.

I think you are the only person with a SITC quote on their stone at woodlands!!!

Simple, poignant and just right for you my lovely.

Lots of Love
Mum
XXX




Friday 1 March 2013

Today was not quiet..

Dear Ella

So today was noisy - troubled dreams re coffins being dug up, not such great news on arrival at work -one of my top people resigning and moving on - for all the right reasons, new system training - hard do for me to grasp and run with, anxiety re Sophie, as ever missing you...... and then 7pm and the wonderful Marion arrives and we pick it all to pieces - no answers - but some how its quieter.

Am at my kitchen counter position - listening to music with laptop on - am loving all the lyrics on my "Ella Playlist"....

Lots of love

Mum

xxx


PS  this very funny video clip from Maya kind of sums up my day earlier on