Thursday 31 October 2013

Only 250

Dear Ella,

Just back from the last planning evening for your party.

Only 250 people coming ....... flipping heck mate - it's massive.  The groundswell and enthusiasm is unbelievable.

So please keep an eye on us -  look out for your "Chloe" shoes - they are getting a dance out.   Remind Uncle Jim not to talk for too long, tell me to relax and that it will all be OK, make sure Lorraine sits down and has several large drinks at the end, make sure Marion doesn't have too many at the start.  Convince Uncle Andy and Tina that all their meticulous planning will pay off.

But most of all remind us to  be happy and not sad.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

PS - remember that target of £10,000 you were aiming for - well the total is currently very nearly at £79,000 - and we hope Saturday night will push us way over £90,000 and on our way to £100,000.  Job done!



Tuesday 29 October 2013

Carpe Diem

Dear Ella,

Those were our words this exact time last year - "seize the day"  - after the news that the cancer was back and there was little more that could be done to stop the onslaught of the disease
.
You were so amazing on that day and your words, aura and touch will always be around me and within.  An anchor to hang onto.

So with heavy hearts, but determination and in the spirit of Carpe Diem - its "game on" - we are pushing on to Saturday 2 November - when we are having the party you wanted and started to plan.

We will all yet again gather, laugh, smile and remember you.

We all love you loads

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

My last photo with you.... on our way home from Oxford - McDonald and Chips to wash the news down with!

Thursday 24 October 2013

Pringles, Wine and Amy

Dear Ella,

So solo living going well - just had sour cream Pringles and two glasses of red wine for dinner, but in great company - with Amy.

No time to eat properly - busy evening out and about gathering auction prizes for the big event on Sat 2 November, so valid excuse I think you will agree.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Tuesday 22 October 2013

Wise words

Dear Ella,

A lovely person dropped me an e mail today.  She said "you just have to dig in", and no she didn't mean as in the garden (although must plant bulbs this coming weekend), but dig in deep to push through.

The words were from her heart - she's been there and got a very similar t shirt to mine.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Saturday 19 October 2013

Still not here then?

Dear Ella,

So I am home from holiday (yes again) - and the blindingly obvious fact "you're still not here" - is a real smacker.

Why so "smacking"? Maybe its because I put effort and energy into going away and being very determined to be positive, upbeat and enjoy the privilege of going on holiday. Almost a target to aim for and achieve (sounds crazy, I know) - but as I learn about grieving and talk to others - it would seem these milestones/targets are part of the journey.  They have to be reached, passed and then onwards with the next lumbering steps.

All that said - it was good to enter the arms of home, check your room (and Sophies), look at your photo and start to pick up the vital threads of familiarity, routine and connections.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx




Monday 14 October 2013

None left for breakfast

Dear Ella,

Sorry but there is none left for breakfast!

Just been out and had the real thing - as in a Margharita Pizza - one of your favourite food items, enjoyed wherever you went and even better if there were a couple of slices left over for breakfast - cold of course.

We ate it overlooking the med, with the moon shining down - and raised a glass to you.

Lots of love

Mum
Xxx

Friday 11 October 2013

Aching

Dear Ella,

Just aching to see you....I don't know how else to explain it, and don't know why the ache is greater today.

As I walked into work this morning, I just wanted to keep going to the oncology hospital, hoping to find you there just like I used to.  My walking would getting faster and faster till I finally reached the hospital.   There you would be sleepy and a bit fed up, but would always say "how are you" and I would say "all the better for seeing you" And then amidst the lines, tubes, bags of chemo and hospital paraphernalia I would hug you and drink you in.

And that's the simple truth, it would be better if I could see you.

I satisfied my Sophie ache earlier this week, went to Cardiff and hugged her so tight (twice) - she nearly squeaked, but hugged me right back.  We hung on tight and a thousand unsaid words were osmosed between us.

Achingly on into the weekend.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Tuesday 8 October 2013

Happy Birthday

Dear Ella,

I am sure you have remembered that today is Grannies birthday, so if you don't mind this letter is for her - please pass it on.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Hi Mum,

Happy Birthday - hope you are doing OK.

We are all fine (well, you know on the surface in a British kind of way, wouldn't want to scratch the surface too deep), and some how muddling through without you to direct and lead the way.

We often gather as a family, and the simple familiar rituals of arranging, planning, preparing for and sharing events and time help us all hugely.

The tiddlers (Tommy and Kezia) keep us all on our toes, and give us little time to dwell and malinger.  They talk naturally and curiously about you and Ella being "up there" and the excitement mounts when we release balloons for you.  Did the ones we sent on Sunday reach you OK?

Dad sets us all a shining example of how to count our blessings every day - even when we are feeling a little blue and in his case a bit fed up with being deaf.

Your wonderful boys remain stalwart, steady, dependable and just - well wonderful.

You must be keeping a careful eye on Sophie - did you see that you have made it onto her noticeboard in her room at uni?  A treasured memory of a holiday with you and Dad many years ago (no doubt at all that she can almost smell and taste your spaghetti bolognese that you would have cooked her for tea one evening).  As you can see - she is doing amazingly well and coping so well with all the challenges that come with leaving home for the first time.

The younger Mrs T as in Tina - is simply amazing, she somehow helps to glue us all together and along with Sonia and countless other friends - is simply there to catch and help us in whatever shape or format is needed.

So honestly - we are OK - I promise.

Take care of Ella

Lots of love and happy birthday

Jo
xxx









Sunday 6 October 2013

Series 3, Episode 1

Dear Ella,

Sunday night - Homelands - series 3, episode 1 - where are you?

One of your top TV programmes - can't believe you are missing it - its fast, pacey and high suspense from the very start, but just not the same without you around to download with afterwards

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Saturday 5 October 2013

Job done well

Dear Ella,

Just to let you know that the vet says "Brian is doing just fine, a perfect specimen and has clearly been well looked after"!

So the 9.30am wrestle with belligerent cat into the cage and drive to the vets was worth it - you can rest easy knowing I am doing a good job of looking after your precious cat.

I did discuss her penchant for frogs and was told that this was not unheard of - but then horror of horrors, the vet told me that her cat had bought half (the end half) of a snake into her house - good grief, as you know I would have to run for the hills never to return if Brian ever did anything like that.
Suddenly frogs seem quite attractive.

Am taking the old black one (Fizz) in a couple of weeks - expensive business having pets.... how did I end up "flying solo" with two cats in tow?

Hope your pleased.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

PS - Brian even nice to Annie now - well for a while...




Friday 4 October 2013

I'm back

Dear Ella,

Have you enjoyed the peace and quiet this week?  None of my ramblings to put up with!

I might not have been right here to write to you, but trust me you were with me every step of the way on my lovely holiday in Israel.  Yep - you read that right Israel, check me out!

A fleeting but fascinating insight into such a diverse, historic and beautiful country. You would have loved it - the weather, beach, food (some of the best I have ever eaten), history, markets, shopping, sights, sounds and smells - a total assault on the senses in every way.

Similar in some ways to our trip to Morocco that you loved so much, but this had "Sunday School" thrown in big time - every corner we turned in Jerusalem was yet another historical spot, religious site or point of interest - hard to believe I was there.  At one point I lit a candle for Granny - what with it nearly being her birthday and knowing how much she always wanted to go and see Jerusalem.

Could see  you living in Tel Aviv - in fact we thought you were  - we spotted an "Ella" one evening, tall, slim, long haired, full of life and laughing - it was mesmerising to watch her and dare I say pretend it was you.

So, I have been and come back and survived without you and Sophie - my favourite holiday buddies of all time by my side.

See - I am learning to grow up!

Lots of love
Mum
xx