Tuesday 23 December 2014

Vitamin B and Tinsel

Dear Ella,

Plenty of the first (vitamin B) to be on the safe side - nobody likes to see a mood swing over Christmas - and just maybe taking vitamin B helps!  Lacking a little in the tinsel department.  Bit half hearted on the Christmas decorations this year - we got a tree up, but not much more.  Still it looks lovely and it's only been attacked by Brian once or twice.

Just back from the last big supermarket shop - usual sling it all in trolley and hope that it  comes together when the time comes.  Put in the usual essential extras - paracetamol, Pringles and pomegranates - paracetamol for me, Pringles for you and pomegranates for Sophie.

Unpacked and stashed everything away - enjoying a coffee and just being at home.  #loveallington - my new hashtag,  (not that I have ever had one before).  All is calm and peaceful and can feel the comfort of home wrapping its self around me.  Counting my blessings to have such a lovely place to live in and that the doors will be open to friends and family over the next few days.

All the lovely girls coming round tonight - Annie, Amy, Maisy, and Maya (George away climbing in Spain - of all places) - "mothers allowed if well behaved". Sophie and the cutting crew will be loitering for a short period prior to taking the Thekla by storm - you would have been torn - stay in with the girls or head down to your favourite boat…..

Took Granddad out for lunch yesterday - Park Garden Centre at Almondsbury - we had a lovely potter and loved seeing the fish - just like keeping you and Sophie busy in the run up to Christmas when you were little girls.

Out third Christmas without you is less than 48 hours away - as ever on we go, one foot in front of the other doing the best we can (well most of the time).  Wish you were here - or at least on your way home….

Lots of love

Mum
XXX
















Sunday 14 December 2014

Hugs and stuff

Dear Ella,

Your sister is home for Christmas - delivered safe and sound yesterday - exhausted and discombobulated - a little like you used to be when you arrived home from hospital.

I contained my "excitement" to three hugs and three questions in the first half hour!  24 hours later - its like she's never been away.

A day of just being at home, knocking around each other in a relatively comfortable, familiar and peaceful way.  A way that would be strange to others - in the same way that "their way" would be strange and unfamiliar to us.  It's our rhythm and routine - ands just for now its good enough, not special, yet very special.

As I hand washed (yep you read that right) her favourite jumper - I thought of my Mum - and all the times I went home.  Being a good Mum she just let me fit back in and found ways to seamlessly and unconditionally be my Mum - that I never even noticed or recognised.  Being a Mum - a thankless yet wonderful role and position to hold.   Am trying to learn to be better at it every day.

Lots of love

Mum
XX



Wednesday 10 December 2014

Listening to...

Dear Ella,

Listening to my "Ella sound track", "if you like sandy dunes and salty air" amongst other lyrics - and feeling you right here, right now.  Thank you lovely girl for staying in my spirit,

Am buttoning down and adopting brace position for season of goodwill - and can hear you very clearly saying "come on Mum….", am "coming on" I promise.

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Thursday 27 November 2014

Add a shopping trolley

Dear Ella,

Parked nicely next to the microwave - I now have an ASDA shopping trolly as well!

Show me where it says "drop your rubbish off here"?

What a week.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Tuesday 25 November 2014

A message and a microwave

Dear Ella,

So, pushed on through the two year mark, distracted and absorbed by dragging myself up and down mountains behind U Bob and others.  As ever, wide open spaces, lung busting scrambles, spectacular views, easy company and aching legs (and other bits) helped some what.

Back to the more familiar, urban routine ascent of Park Street today - but home via dinner and drinks with girlfriends.   The rain was pouring down as we said goodnight and headed for our homes.  Crossing the river - the bells from St Mary Redcliffe were ringing loud and clear.  "Yes, yes Mum - I can hear you.   I've got the message, you think we are all doing OK, room for improvement (there always will be), but overall not too bad".   "Lovely to hear from you"!

Dodging puddles, getting wetter and wetter (mountain waterproofs would have been handy) - my pace quickened towards home - only to be greeted by a dumped microwave on the pavement outside my house.  Another (1st world)  problem to sort tomorrow.  Who the hell left that there!

Onwards……as ever.

Lots of love

Mum
XXX






Friday 21 November 2014

Forever

Dear Ella

Two years - a lot of time and no time at all.

Can still hear and feel you everywhere - thank goodness!

Love you more than you will ever know (I said the same thing to Sophie on text this morning).

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Wednesday 19 November 2014

Nonsense

Dear Ella

This time two years ago - as I helped you upstairs to bed (it took a while), you said "Mum, I am so ill", "nonsense" I replied - "you will feel better tomorrow when you start the steroids".

Nonsense  indeed!  - you were so ill, we argued for a bit over the rights and wrongs of which medications to take, I was irritable, you were ill, we were both exhausted.  "Don't be cross Mum", "I'm not, I just wish you hadn't taken that particular medication.  Sleep tight, love you loads and see you in the morning."

I tucked you in, switched off your light and left you to sleep. You sort of woke up the next morning, but not really.  You were on your way.

If I had really realised - I would never have been cross with you and never left you - sorry.

Lots of love

Mum
XX




Tuesday 18 November 2014

Remember

Dear Ella

"If you can remember me, I will be with you always."

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Tuesday 11 November 2014

Coat on!

Dear Ella,

Finally put my winter coat on this morning - its first outing this year.  Wasn't overly cold - but it was nice to be dry when I reached work.  It's November - so of course its raining, pouring down just like in 2012.

Even tried your log burner out last Sunday - very cosy.

Anyway - found this on FB tonight - never a truer word spoken, hit the spot for me.


I had a terrible day. We say it all the time. A fight with the boss, the stomach flu, traffic. But when the really terrible things happen, we start begging a god we don’t believe in to bring back the little horrors and take away this. Would it have helped if we could see what else was coming? Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Saturday 1 November 2014

Great Mum

Dear Ella,

…but I often took you both to see Fireworks - on the Downs, in London and most recently your very own Firework party at Allington - it was fun.

Great Mum :)


Oohs and Ahhs




Terrible Mum

Dear Ella,

Got the text from Sophie last night "you never took me and Ella "trick and treating" for Halloween".  She learnt the complaint from you!

One of my worst crimes as your Mum apparently.  So for the record here's the story - which you know - but conveniently forget every year in your rush to remind me of what a terrible Mum I was.

So - when you were a little girl - about 5 or 6 - Trick and Treaters used to knock on the front door at Glentworth Road - you were terrified and would run crying into the lounge and hide on the sofa with your "duggie".  It was a stressful few hours.

After a couple of years of this - "enough" - we started a 31 October tradition of going out for an early evening dinner and then onto a movie.  So pizza and ice cream in somewhere like TGI Fridays - followed by "Finding Nemo" or equivalent.  You and Sophie loved it - and I did to.

There you have it - the full explanation for the lack of "trick and treating" when you were little girls.

Sorry!

Lots of love

Mum
XXX






Saturday 25 October 2014

Lovely words from AA Milne


Dear Ella,

I have come across lots of words in your room written by AA Milne - all of them sent to you by the very lovely Amy.

At this very poignant time of the year Carpe Diem these ones seem to be very appropriate.

Lots of love
Mum
XX

AA Milne - Winnie The Pooh


Thursday 23 October 2014

Stuff

Dear Ella,

I have been very quiet and stepped off the hamster wheel called day to day normal living for a short while.  A very small taste of what life was like for you when you had to step off for a huge amount of time - and well then for good of course.

Of course the wheel just keeps turning, we are all just such tiny cogs in a very big machine.  Lots of time to navel gaze - never good really, but means my brain is more settled and not in flitter mode from one subject to another.  Despite having more time - have been at a loss as to what to write to you, then I remembered maybe you just want to hear about banal stuff - like I reel off to Sophie when we have our weekly calls so here goes!

Well new windows all round the house, exciting stuff huh.  Add it the list of middle aged things to get sorted  - like  pensions and pelvic floors and you know your really cooking on gas!

Brian is now as big as Fizz, still not a lap cat,  Thankfully she has stopped bringing in frogs and spends most of her indoor time curled up on your bed.

Had a lovely time in Sardinia for a week - no longer a beach bum, more of a walker, wanderer and sitting in cafes and bars watching the world go by tourist.

Oh - very exciting news - off for a weeks holiday to NY next May with the stalwarts - Lorraine, Shelagh, Marion and Gaynor's coming too.  Of course I am thinking we will be like the Sex and the City crew, in reality we will be more like Sister Act on speed- stomping, eating and drinking our way around town (not quite the Golden Girls - yet).   Promise I will got to MOMA for you - know it was on your list.

Can feel Christmas lurking at the end of year - still dislike myself for having taking the festive season for granted in happier times - it really is a tricky time of the year.

Sophie seems very happy and busy in Cardiff - think we now enjoy our time living apart.  There will be that period of adjustment in December as we endeavour to fit back together in some weird shape.  A slightly spiky one that becomes less spiky after a while and then spikes up again.  I wonder how we would have been once you had flown the nest.

Grandad continues to keep me and the Uncles busy and entertained - we have acquired a new gadget for him so that he can hear us better.  He looks like an elderly DJ about to work the crowd,  (the most visible part is a huge pair of headphones),  now there's a thought!

Have swapped Summer for Winter wardrobe - another middle aged trait, am sure other than a coat I only had one wardrobe when I was younger.  Have not reunited my body with winter coat in Michael Mcintyre style as of yet - but think it wont be long.  Likewise your log burner is standing empty and unlit since March.

On the note of the log burner - you did a great job with our lounge, it really is a very lovely room - your swan song in terms of design.  Thank you, its peaceful, cozy, stylish and comfortable.

There you have it…….

Lots of love

Mum
XXX








Sunday 12 October 2014

I've said it before….

Dear Ella

I've said it before and I am going to have to say it once more - at the risk of being very boring. "I am learning to love holidays again - but coming home is startlingly shocking and sad - you really have gone".

Will just have to keep walking - putting one foot in front of the other

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Saturday 4 October 2014

George!

Dear Ella

A first for me today - will be purchasing hello magazine  to ogle over pictures of George Clooney and his wedding last weekend in Venice.  Wow - massive sigh and eye roll from you!   However, I do know you would have loved looking at the dresses and talking about your wedding dreams one day in the future, what a beautiful bride you would have been.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Wednesday 1 October 2014

Just minding my own business

Dear Ella,

There I was - just minding my own business in Sainsbury's on my way home from work - and I bumped into you.  That was a shock - you were just by the pomegranates and other odd fruits, you had your back to me, I wasn't looking where I was going - you must have taken a step back and we "bumped",  I never saw your face, but it was your hair, height and stature to a tee.

You took my breath away and I kept looking - couldn't believe what I was seeing - you moved off chatting to a friend - your face still hidden.

I bought the carrots I had gone in for and headed for home - the strange fruits was a good clue - you would never have been checking those out!

Missing you

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Monday 29 September 2014

All sorts of people doing all sorts of things

Dear Ella,

Monday evening and as they say "the nights are drawing in".  Was diligent on return from work early evening, donned trainers and kit and set off at a steady jog to enjoy the last hour of daylight.  Headed for Ashton Park School and your tree.  A peaceful and much needed rest and sit on your bench was very grounding - its looking great and apparently much enjoyed by students and teachers alike.

I left as the sun was going down and headed for home in my lollopy fashion - passing all sorts of people doing all sorts of things.  Men warming up for a basketball match, a woman determinedly cycling in a gym, a few teenagers hanging around with their skateboards, a man and his bike going way to fast under the underpass (nearly took me out), students dancing - could see their hands up high swaying to music, tired shoppers queueing in Aldi - wanting to get their groceries home, people walking, people sitting on their sofas watching TV's.   People just living and getting on with their lives in an ordinary kind of way - but all doing it in a slightly different way.  It was nice to watch them as I jogged on by.

Lots of love

Mum
XX


Monday 22 September 2014

Familiar

Dear Ella,

Strange evening - empty house, I remember this from last September when Sophie went away.  Am reclaiming my space, settling and adjusting - it feels familiar, I have done it before and quite like it.  

Caught up on a bit of TV - including Downton Abbey.  The second the theme music came on - I was back sitting next to you in your hospital bed in Oxford - watching endless Downton episodes in between doctors, nurses et al coming in.  We were engrossed from the first series, lost in another world that was a million miles from the one we were living in. Did the trick - got us through some long old days and evenings.   It felt very familiar watching it tonight.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Wednesday 17 September 2014

You get what you give

Dear Ella,

Driving time today - Reading and back for work, exciting stuff - but it was a good day in so many ways, and one was hearing "you get what you give" by the New Radicals on the Radio.  What a track have not heard it for years - but love it, a bit cheesy I guess by your standards.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7-CKirWZE

I turned it up loud and pushed on down the M4  - reflecting on the words "you get what you give" - simple to say, hard to practise constantly - but worth hanging onto as a thread through the hours, days, weeks, months and years.

I know some really awesome people who live like this (but suspect they don't even know they are doing it), and guess what they are the ones who radiate an aura of contentment, quiet energy and are simply lovely people to be around - "go to" type people who bring out the best in me and turn up my positivity dial.

I want to be one of them when I grow up.

Lots of love

Mum
XXX




Sunday 14 September 2014

A song in my heart

Dear Ella,

I felt a song in my heart as I came downstairs for breakfast.

Found Sophie busy in the spare room "renovating and customising" a chest of drawers to take back to uni, its been a project. My she is so talented, and there was a further reminder of her talents as I passed the dining room table - her certificate of merit from Cardiff Uni (arrived Friday) - based on her sheer hard work and brilliance in year one.  "Bursting with pride".   Our girl is really becoming her own very unique and talented person.

Keep watching her - you are doing a great job

Lots of love

Mum
XX









Saturday 6 September 2014

Drumming, fire eating and ping pong

Dear Ella,

A walk home late last night across our patch "harbour-side" revealed Bristol just about at its best.

People out and about enjoying a warm evening in many different ways. A drumming busker with a full set of symbols, bass drums, tom tom's and snares - busking away, drumming up a crowd.  A fire eater attempting to lure people into a night club, four guys on the ping pong table outside the YHA - ping ponging away, laughing as they batted, missed and just went for it.

City living doesn't get much better.

You would have loved it.

Lots of love

Mum
XXX



Thursday 4 September 2014

Three Beautiful Things

Dear Ella,

Remember this game - still doing it, so today:

1.  Lovely long walk to work, down the chocolate path, a nod to your bridge, across the lock gates - looking at the deep, still water and up the hill….

2.  Mid afternoon sugar high - a new one on me, struggled all morning with a difficult piece of work, a wander and fresh air at lunch time some how found me in front of the pic'n'mix, cheap sweet frenzy at Wilkos,  had to be done, £1.98 later - I was "rushing" and so were my team - got us through a tricky presentation planning session.

3.  A lovely evening of sharing life long learning's with wise and wonderful ladies -  "survivors  and some" - menopausal marvels even….

What were yours (bet they weren't number three)?

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Monday 1 September 2014

Pip swung by

Dear Ella,

So - lovely Pip from Oxford came by Bristol last week - we met for a coffee and a wonderful catch up. We talked so much about you, and the time we spent in Oxford when she helped to look after you at the hospital.

We talked a lot about the time since you have not been here as well.   The words tumbled out and settled into some kind of order neither sad or happy - just good to have them all out on the table.

We hugged and smiled and went our ways - wrapped comfortably in our shared memories - which is weird - how it can be comfortable to remember you being so ill, being in hospital, hearing terrible news, being scared and cancer all around.

But, it was so weirdly comforting to have gone "mentally" back to Oxford and remembered you and our time there so vividly - awful times, but intense lovely ones as well.  Downton Abbey watching, cups of tea, waiting to go home, Dominoes Pizza, Visitors from near and far, making friends with nurses (and some Doctors), sitting with you while you slept, driving from you to Sophie and back again, tip toeing down to my little room to sleep for a while, taking you to the operating theatre, sitting with you for hours in the recovery room, and the final, final meeting, when you held my hand and gaze so tight and told me without any words that I would be OK.  It's all about me you know!

Thank you Pip for taking me back there

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Wednesday 27 August 2014

It's been a while

Dear Ella,

Sorry, it's been a while, my mojo has been lying low, listless and inert, not attractive!   Despite firm talkings too and flashes of get up and go - I have not got up and gone, but rather limped along.  All rather pathetic and first world centric.  If I was still at school, no doubt my report would read (as they always did), "could do better"!  So I will do better and am gearing up for an Autumn of getting stuff done and being out and about.

This will include:

  • Returning your sister to university, handing her back to the Welsh and all things student.  Good luck Cardiff!
  • Learning to fly solo again - and remembering that fruit bowls can be used for other things than fruit - junk mail as I remember from last year
  • More singing - despite zero improvement in my singing ability, and at times child like giggling fits - I did not get thrown out of choir last year, so will be returning to puzzle over more musical notes on lines that mean nothing to me at all.  Bristol - hold onto your ears on Thursday evenings!
  • A new hobby - outdoor swimming - and no wetsuits involved.  I am going to toughen up and no longer be the person who gingerly hops around at the waters edge taking ages to get in - only to jump straight back out.  (Ice bucket challenge on Sunday was not a great start!)  Look out for me ploughing up and down the Bristol Lido at 7.30 am on dark winter mornings - really…….
  • Trailing up and down mountains behind U Bob - scaring the living daylights out of myself and possibly those immediately behind me.  Never have I my arms and legs ached so much and my heart raced so fast - as last November in Snowdonia - and I am going back for more.
  • More and more walking, as I continue to blindly put one foot in front of the other and - well just walk.  Miles and miles - to work, home from work, to friends, to the shops, to your tree, round the harbour, through Ashton Court - anywhere.  Just keep walking - remains my mantra - it helps.
  • Completing or starting my new years resolutions - think Pensions, Pelvic Floors and Birthday Cards - a heady combo…….still useless at sending cards on time if at all - and as for the other two - don't even go there, but "tidying up" must be done.  It's mid life junk - wont bore you with anymore details.
So a starter for ten - and as I always say - "on we go"

Lots of love

Mum
XX


Sunday 17 August 2014

Blustery sunshine

Dear Ella,

It's been a weekend of blustery energising sunshine and lots of lovely friends in different ways.

A birthday on Friday evening - oh dear a white wine too many….., coffee on Sat morning at Mark's bakery cafe - a swap of 50 something notes, then on for a magical stomp across the Mendips - with wide blue skies and much oxygen.  A cozy night with A&Q at the Pump House, followed by an early start and coach station drop (Sophie en route to Budpaest) and then an indulgent care free Sunday - a bit of this and that - including a check on your tree and purple ribbons.  Lovely to have a quiet 10 minutes with you.

Lots to be grateful for - honest!

Lots of love
Mum
XX

Thursday 14 August 2014

A cheery tune

Dear Ella,

Been feeling sad - got the August blues….I checked my blog last year and saw I wrote

Have decided to put August in the same box as February and November - dull!

Why is that? - Lots to be thankful for  and ways to count my blessings, a few days away with my Dad, garden growing and looking a treat, Sophie seems as content as a Fizz or a Brian, the weekend is near and a promise of a long walk across the nearby hills, friends to see, birthdays to celebrate, work to be done.  All in all a purpose and a reason to be and get up and get on with life.  So why the August blues….?  I think its a month that hangs - a still month, with a sense of waiting for September when there is a return to the majority getting on with usual routines.  Life picks up a pace and there is less time for reflection and procrastination.  An ingrained new school year approach - like clean pages in new exercise books?  Energising potential.

So for now hanging around in August - taking time to read and listen to new things - this was very cheering and new to me tonight - Jorge Ben Jor - Taj Mahal

 Had a massive missing Ella pang earlier this week - MASSIVE

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Tuesday 12 August 2014

Laughter

Dear Ella,

What a great gift laughter is - both to laugh and also to make people laugh.

Two laughing reflections today.  Firstly with Grandad (on our holidays in Devon) - who as you know has the capacity to reduce me to laughter quite often.  It was the other way round today, I made him laugh and as he did do did I.  Apparently as I laughed - my Mum (Granny) came tumbling out - "My - you sound just like Janet", said my godmother Brenda who was there as well.   It was nice to think of Granny laughing.

Then RIP the wonderful Robin Williams -  one of my favourite comedians and actors - simply love his humour and talent as you well know.  We were both reduced to helpless laughter a couple of Christmas's ago - as you and me watched a video of his that you gave me (even the joke about chemo was funny - doctor said taking Propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you're tired of shaving your fucking head) Cant begin to imagine the pain he must have been in to do what he did - mental illness incomprehensible for those of us fortunate enough not to suffer from it.

Maybe your laughing out loud somewhere with Granny and Robin - gosh there's a thought

Lots of love

Mum
XX


Tuesday 5 August 2014

August

Dear Ella,

It's August and the long school holidays are well under way, Bristol is quieter and there is an air of friends and family leaving town for a few days, a week or even longer.  Of course they all come back - usually with happy stories and holiday memories - that will hopefully last for ever.

Why do we always remember holidays so much?  Lots of reasons, but one must be that we get off the hum drum routine of our every days lives and maybe slow down, speed up, do something completely different, experience new things and have time to be with the people we have gone away with.

Another reason must be that we take lots of photos, again because we have time and/or we want to capture the moment - whatever that moment is.  Those photos in themselves become our memories and help us to remember happy times.

I found these happy memories just now - old photos - some from a very long time ago.  I can smell the sea and remember the moments and those lovely holiday times.

Happy holidays

Lots of love

Mum
xxx











Friday 1 August 2014

Taken for granted

Dear Ella,

Found this - and I think it pretty much applies to the relationship between child and mother.  In that - who else can you take so much for granted - but almost gain so much comfort from.  Also can totally see it between friends and partners - who else can you be "off" or even foul to - when you have spent all day being nice to others??

I know I took my Mum for granted on any number of occasions - and am trying really hard to not take others for granted now - 54 years in and still trying!

Lots of love

Mum
Xxx


There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for-granted relationship."


- Iris Murdoch, A Severed Head

Tuesday 29 July 2014

People send me amazing things

Dear Ella

Oh my love, friends send me the most amazing messages, this arrivedvia messenger in FB this evening and its just so spot on - its exactly how am I trying to be - taking you with me in everything I do.

I really am - I promise

Lots of love

Mum
XX

PS thank you Joel x





Saturday 26 July 2014

It's been a week

Dear Ella,

Its been a week since we gathered together for your birthday.  Its been a very long, hot one.  The sun has blazed down, nights have been restless and lethargy has taken over at times.

Hard to imagine ever dancing in the rain again - in more ways than one.

Lots of love

Mum
XX



Tuesday 22 July 2014

Ella must have spent much of her time high on endorphins;

Dear Ella,

…and U Bob said a few lovely words as well - naturally with a science twist!

Lots of love
Mum
xx

When Jo asked me to say a few words, I wondered where to turn for inspiration, and then remembered an article I had read in New Scientist about friendship. The article asked one of those questions, which at first sound a bit odd: why do we have friends? I think Ella, would have found it an interesting one to ponder!

According to the boffins, whilst some animals may roam around in huge herds, they are doing so, with mere acquaintances. Humans on the other hand, share the capability to make true friends with just a few other species, including gorillas, chimps, whales, dolphins, horses, elephants and even camels, which like all good friends, occasionally get the hump with each other.

Being friendly is linked with the release bio-chemicals like oxytocin and various endorphins, which make us feel good. A lack of contact with friends releases cortisol, which makes us feel bad. Sophie can fill you in on the details!

Ella must have spent much of her time high on endorphins; apparently laughing, singing, dancing and gossiping with friends, all stimulate their release. She would also have recognised a modern-day measure of “true friendship”; which is, when you visit a good friend’s house, your smartphone connects to the Wi-Fi automatically!

It is often said that you are stuck with family, but friends you choose. We, the family, like to think Ella was quite fond of us and I know she was devoted to Jo, Sophie and her Dad, Bob. But, when it comes to friends, New Scientist was a bit gloomy, saying that, “friendships are susceptible to decay”.

However, there was an exception: the close friendships we make in our teens and early twenties. Many of these last a lifetime and do not fade up even after decades of separation. It is gratifying to know that Ella had already made those friends by the time she lost her struggle with cancer in November 2012, and that she will never be forgotten. Most of you are here today.


So, there is no doubt, that here, at Aston Park School, is the right place to plant this tree. The place which Ella forged many of those friendships. And a place we can all visit in coming years to mark the years passing without the charming, intelligent and lively young friend, we all lost just 18 months ago. 

Thank you.

Monday 21 July 2014

Remember Ella’s laugh, remember her smile, remember your relationship with her and remember everything she did. Remember Ella.

Dear Ella,

We had a lovely picnic - if only you had been there.

This is what Annie said - such beautiful words.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

It may seem strange to many of you that we’re coming back to Ashton and doing this here. But apart from her brief but happy time at art school, this was the last community that Ella was a big part of, and somewhere she was happy, healthy and in her element. Over there by the gate we used to sit and eat and laugh, and here on the mound in the summer. We used to sit up there in the library and wind up Penny, and study of course! And over in those classrooms Ella thrived in physics and maths, and over in there at art and design.

While we’re on the subject of Ashton Park it’s only right to say thank you for everyone involved in this, especially Mr John, and to everyone that took care of Ella while we were here. I definitely can’t mention everyone, but you all made school a special time and I hope you know that you did and just how important that is.  Thank you Miss Benjamin who gave us somewhere to go in the early days when school felt a bit like a battlefield, Miss Mulroy who was always there for us (and definitely didn’t cheat in the tutor house point competitions), Miss McGirr who provided us with all the teacher gossip, Mr Shoker who really fuelled Ella’s passion for Physics and Miss Debenham who became even more of a friend to Ella than a teacher. The same goes to basically all of Ella’s teachers and other staff throughout school and sixth form, who nurtured her talents, supported her and made her feel special.

It was Ella’s birthday yesterday and we’re still living in a world where she isn’t here or getting older with us. It’s unfair and just so sad, and we miss her every day. But there has also been cause for celebration over the past year or so - Ella’s family and friends led by Jo have raised a colossal amount of money which has already been put to use, with the Bristol Teenage Cancer Unit now open and helping others like Ella, and it really is a fantastic place. Meanwhile, Ella’s sister Sophie has gone to Cardiff University and is once again proving just how exceptionally talented she is. Ella’s little cousins Tommy and Keziah are growing up into lovely children. Many of Ella’s friends have graduated from uni, and some have found jobs they love, including Georgina who’s thriving on working in operating theatres and helping patients just like Ella once was. Bob has been so strong throughout, and a lovely thing he did is build a beautiful wooden chest to treasure keepsakes and memories of Ella in, a vital part of remembering Ella, which is after all what we’re here doing now and will continue to do.


Remember Ella’s laugh, remember her smile, remember your relationship with her and remember everything she did. Remember Ella.

Friday 18 July 2014

Happy Birthday

Dear Ella

Happy 22 Birthday - my beautiful girl.

Lots of love

Mum
XX





Tuesday 15 July 2014

A heavy day

Dear Ella,

Its been a long old heavy day - woke up feeling heavy - mentally that is rather than physically.  Walked to work heavy, walked home heavy, ran heavy - now off to bed heavy.

Couldn't work out why - then I figured its your birthday on Friday, and I am missing you more than ever and still find it unbelievable that your not here.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Wednesday 9 July 2014

A glimpse into the future

Dear Ella,

Funny evening and moment last night - for a fleeting moment I tasted what life might be like when I pass beyond 70, 80 or beyond and its all your fault!

You told me to get singing - and as you know from my various letters I have done just that.  I joined the Gurt Lush choir and started in September with a few carols and other numbers in the alto section, pushing on through to some Ennio Morricone numbers in the first sopranos and year end concert at the Colston Hall. Please don't think for one moment that moving from altos to sopranos means I have a great vocal range, rather the opposite - I just preferred the company on that side of the room - shallow I know!

Anyway - I did it and can report back that it was all good fun, not sure that my singing is any better, but I laughed a lot and for sure got a bagful of some kind of therapy.  Don't know what sort - but after every sing, I generally walked home feeling rather contented and at one with the world - if not a little smug.

Last night saw the end of year choir social.  A gathering of well meaning folk - all bought food and drink which we duly shared, whilst chatting and reminiscing about the choir year and how wonderful the concert had been.  AND then - some tunes were knocked out on a piano, we pushed our chairs to the edge of the room and sang some random songs starting with "My Old Man said follow the van".   I looked around the room and for one shocking moment thought I had been transported to an OAP's social or as Grandad would call it "God's Waiting room" - a group of "elderly" people, singing badly, but with gusto, making up the words, smiling and nodding and looking slight bemused - and I was one of them.  I laughed out loud!

We were having a lovely time - but I didn't stay long, plenty of time for that in the future. However, I do now understand on more than one level why singing is so therapeutic.

Will be back for more (not the OAP type) singing in September - time now to rest the vocal chords.

Lots of love

Mum
XX









Tuesday 8 July 2014

A Picnic for you

Dear Ella,

We're going to be having a bit of a do for you - a picnic the day after your 22nd birthday, in a place that meant a huge amount to you and made you very happy - Ashton Park School, and guess what there's going to a tree and a bench with your name on!  Think that's good.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Hi everyone,

All sorted for Saturday 19 July - for anyone who would like to come along.

The venue is Ashton Park School - sixth form centre.  Park in the main school car park and follow signs for the sports centre - all should then become obvious

Anytime from 1pm.

Bring a picnic, things to sit on and if you are so inclined - "outdoor toys".

Around 3pm we will gather around Ella's bench and tree, say a few words and release purple balloons into the soaring blue summer skies.

Other things to do (if you would like to):

Bring a purple ribbon and tie it to Ella's tree/bench - she loved purple
Wander round the lovely Ashton Park playing fields
Go into the sixth form centre where a mural of Ella's artwork is being set up.

Most of all - just come and gather and catch up with friends and family and say "Happy Birthday" to Ella - in a place where she was always so happy.

With love
Jo

PS - even if its raining and blowing a gale - we will still gather as we will have access to the sixth form common room.  

Whatever the weather - we will also have access to loos!