Friday 31 January 2014

Hey ho

Dear Ella,

Another working week comes to a close - home - weary and in our kitchen.

It's a peaceful sanctuary, and I always feel truly grateful to have such a lovely roof over my head and a place that I can really, genuinely call home and just love being in it - even without you and Sophie here.

It's still your home, you led me here all those years ago and helped me see what it could be.  I still get a very strong sense of you here -  may be it's that mad cat of yours Brian roaming around, chasing her tail, strutting her stuff, lording it over every shadow, dancing around on your bed.

I think a Buddhist believer may say - there is a bit of your soul in Brian?

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Tuesday 28 January 2014

Cancer Research

Dear Ella,

My "cancer" radar immediately picked up the words "new ways to treat cancer" on the radio this morning.  (Sometimes, I think the word cancer hunts me out, tracks me down and then stops me dead in my tracks).

Anyway, not sure I really understood the full interview - but in the most basic terms it was explaining that cancer continues to challenge the medical and research world and there is no such thing as a specific cancer.  Even when a biopsy is done and a cancer is diagnosed, it can change again during treatment and and may even be different if the biopsy is taken from a sightly different angle.

There were words and terms like "daughter cells ," "no single entity", "genetic architecture", "mutation", "naturally selected" "multiple, diverse cancers -not one cancer", "founding cells".

It made me realise just how crude your treatment was - blasting away as best as they could, but very unsophisticated and of course no alternative but to go down that route.  At least it gave you another 18 months and kept you relatively pain free - despite all the time in hospital and the scares, tears and trauma that bought.

The phrase "mountain to climb" was used - does that sound familiar?

1:3 people in the western world will be diagnosed with cancer and 1:5 will die from cancer.  Why were you one of the ones?

With love

Mum
xx

Saturday 25 January 2014

A moment

Dear Ella,

Yesterday was just another day - but a day to pause and reflect just a little bit more.

Time to think and remember my Mum, your Granny.  As ever the wheels of the world turned round and life carried on, but it was good to sit with Dad/Grandad last night and raise a glass and smile.

Vivid memories of the night she left us two years ago - me rushing from Frenchay hospital where she was - to the Oncology hospital where you were - bravely getting on with your next cycle of Chemo, then home to Sophie.

You gave me the biggest hug and we cried a bit together, as I left the hospital church bells were ringing out loud and clear - and sounded just like my Mum.

Missing you both so much

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Thursday 23 January 2014

Busy - bang!

Dear Ella,

Busy, being busy - lots of work, lots of other things as well - getting used to solo living now my little friend has gone back to Cardiff.    It's quite nice being able to come and go - with no one to answer to - except you!

Still find myself checking in with you all the time, listening to hear what you would be saying.  Sometimes, I turn round quickly - I think I might catch a glimpse of you watching me - but your gone.   Were you there, quietly looking on, checking upon me?  I can feel and sense you so strongly.  It's nice, but I always get the "bang" - oh your not there.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Sunday 19 January 2014

Fat Boy Slim

Dear Ella,

Just back from Fat Boy Slim's neck of the woods - Brighton, though of course I really think of it as your neck of the woods.  

Vivid memories of spending 24 hours there with you - whilst you were interviewed for a place to study Interior Architecture at Brighton University.

You fell in love with the place - the beach, the buzz, the whole feel - it was so your kind of place.

There were lots of "Ella's" hanging out in bars, drifting round the lanes and generally owning the town - was so welled up that you never got to be there, though goodness knows it was not for lack of trying, I think your place was deferred twice and I had many conversations with a very kind and supportive gentleman called Terry Meade - who interviewed and offered you your place.

I took these for you - all "architectural" buildings you would have loved

Lots of Brighton love

Mum
XX





Fat Boys pad


Thursday 16 January 2014

3 BT's

Dear Ella,

Still working at being grateful for small things and observant and vigilant of the detail around.

Todays:

1.  As I walked down the road to work, a lady came out her house and was sent off with the words "I love you Mummy" from her little girl.  "Close the door, behind me Millie, I love you too - see you later".

2.  Round the corner and I heard "morning" - and there was Sonia leaning out of her car window - smiling as only Sonia can. We waved and swapped "have a good day" and carried on with our journeys.


3.  Coming home - and there was Sophie curled up on the sofa, under my orange throw, watching "Dirty Dancing" (again).  Two exams done - back for more revision time. "You all right?", "yeah - you?" - and I guess we sort of are.

Hope you had some 3BT's today.

Lots of love
Mum
xxx

Monday 13 January 2014

A Letter for all of us

Dear Ella,

A letter arrived at Allington on Saturday for all of us - all being everyone who has so far helped to raise £105,000 for the Teenage Cancer Trust South West appeal - and that includes you as you launched the appeal.

You can read it below(no you can't - wont work!) - nice words from a lady called Kate Collins, Director of Fundraising at the TCT.

We gathered at the weekend to decide what to do this year.  Something, not nothing that's for sure, but not on the scale of last year - so we are going to start with the Bristol 10K "Run For Ella 50/50" - see if we can get a team of at least 50 people to raise at least £50 each - what do you think?

Watch this space and FB for more news and watch us run (walk!)  on Sunday 11 May.

On we go Ella Redman

Lots of love

Mum
Xx


Thursday 9 January 2014

and I will try to fix you

Dear Ella,

You were circulating high above me this evening - finally went back to choir - it was magnificent.  First song up "Fix You" Coldplay.

Know you would have been so  "good grief - Cold Play, so has been -Mum music" - but wow babe the lyrics are amazing and so very poignant:

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you


How I wish i could have fixed your bones….

Lots of love

Mum
XXX


Fix You

Wednesday 8 January 2014

Blockage

Dear Ella,

Up late wrestling with blockage (of the vacuum variety)  - like some barmy old bird - I decided to hoover the carpet before going to bed, only to discover a significant blockage of Sophie hair, Brian and Fizz Fur - mixed with a liberal dash of pine needles.

Delighted to report blockage clear - and can now navigate my way upstairs to bed - satisfied my late night hoovering activity can resume to full speed as I return to solo living next week - with the departure of Sophie back to university.

Don't roll your eyes and sigh - please smile gently and say "oh well she's keeping herself busy".

Lots of love

Mum
xxx


Monday 6 January 2014

Some good advice

Dear Ella,

I am lucky to know so many people in many different ways,  and the wonderful thing is - they all give something - friendship, support, practical guidance, advice, space, time, understanding, empathy, distraction, love, energy.  Often they don't even know they are giving it.  Sometimes they give more than one, and sometimes the giving comes from someone I don't even know that well.

Just before Christmas someone (whom, I have only ever met twice) - gave me a piece of advice "get on with your life", she paused and then said "I know that's easy to say, and much harder to do, but please try to do it".

So I am.

They say the teacher appears when the pupil is ready to learn……..

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Thursday 2 January 2014

Sewing

Dear Ella

Tonight was sewing and all things creative.

We sat in companionable busyness - stitching, chatting, creating and just enjoying what we were doing - creating memory books about you.

Its a long old project, we started a year ago - but then there are a huge amount of memories.   The thing about memories is that you can't call them all up in one go - even if you try really hard.  So - it's a good to have a special place to catch them when they come whirling in.

I caught this memory tonight - you and the cream cracker tin - "fetch me the biscuits Sophie", you would then sit and munch your way through endless cream crackers, crumbs everywhere and then go to bed leaving the lid of the tin!   Now how do I put that one one in the book?

Aza, Annie or Sophie might have an idea ….

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Wednesday 1 January 2014

Good times

Dear Ella,

Good times were had by many as 2013 slipped away and 2014 started.  Just as per last year and and years before - I was surrounded by friends - simply lovely.

A whole year of writing to you - its massively helped me - hope its not been too intrusive for you.  I read in a book called "how to stay sane" that people who keep regular journals tend to be more self aware and more contented than those who don't.

Reflecting on that fact - yes, I have learnt a lot about myself and the process of grieving by writing all these letters to you.  If nothing else, sitting quietly (usually at the end of a busy day) thinking about you,  and life in general is a peaceful, calming process - the closest I have ever got to a meditative stance.

As I wrote to you on 01 January last year:

 Really, really awful things happen - but somehow they can be navigated and are survivable - but a new shape has to be adapted to, understood and tried for size.  This takes time - maybe a lot of time.

Hopefully you can see that I am surviving - well a bit more than just surviving, as we all are.  There are many times when I gaze at life and people around me and can hardly believe that life is going on in a fairly normal fashion, I would love to scream and shout "stop, don't you realise my Ella is not here" - but of course there would be no point and even if I scream really loudly it wont bring you back.

Grieving is a lengthy process - I can only assume its forever - and know it will constantly change shape, format and intensity.  Its certainly random and can catch you when you very least expect it and for no apparent reason.   Often it comes after good times - a party, a dinner, a celebration - as I have tried to explain to you before, these situations all require energy and determination to have a good time.  With the event over - comes the "bang" - Ella is not here.

So if its alright with you - I am going to continue to write - its a very real, vital connection for me to you, and as I have always said "it helps me to write it down"!

Lots of love

Mum
XXX