Tuesday 25 February 2014

Dutch man with ponytail

Dear Ella,

Just to explain why there is a dutch man with a ponytail in your room. A decorator by trade - he is simply tidying up the walls and "hurrah" getting rid of the dreaded orange pine skirting and woodwork, which should make you smile.

Just thought the time had come to get things in order a bit, but of course it will always be you room. Its  a lovely space to go and think about you and look at your pictures and things and it's not just me who likes to do that.




So many roads lead back to "Ella".






People giving the very valuable "red stuff" - U Jim tonight
People training to run the 10k - loads of us
A baby "Ella" at work - maybe nothing to do with you this one - but I can believe
People sharing stuff they have read about grieving - Mark
Girlfriends reminiscing about younger Ella's, Sophie's and Jess's, happy, priceless days that have helped to build the legacy and story - Nicki


And on the journey and memories go.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Saturday 22 February 2014

Big pants!

Dear Ella,

I thought it would never happen - but it would seem it has, a sign that I might just be getting older.

Just back from an underwear overhaul (you can only go on with tatty knicks for so long), and I find that I have purchased pants as big as I remember my Mum's being.

I can vividly remember looking a her underwear hanging up  next to mine and laughingly thinking "call that underwear - it looks more like armour".  Now, many years later - if I hung my new collection up next to Sophie's scraps of material that she calls underwear - mine too would like armour of some description.

You think you will never morph into your Mum and then you go and do it, without even realising. On the underwear front I think you finally realise its about comfort and of course support - the older you get the more you need - support, lycra, material and style.  It's almost like going to be reupholstered!

It's not just underwear where I can see the similarities - phrases, mannerisms and all sorts of actions suddenly seem familiar,  "if I were you", "that's ridiculous" and making funny groan and sigh noises as I move from sitting to stand - now that's proper old!

You'll never have the delight of morphing into me - perhaps a huge positive?

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Sunday 16 February 2014

In the zone

Dear Ella,

An "in the zone" weekend - lots of time to really think about you - its not that I don't think about you all the time, but there are just some times when I really go "there" or need to go "there".

Running in the rain and hail on Saturday morning - "Running for Ella" training, or simply running because its so therapeutic to put one foot in front of the other and simply  switch off to life and go where my mind takes me - which is more often than not to you.  When I start to "physically" hurt from running, I simply remember how much really awful pain you had to put up with when you were ill - and get on with it.

Watching the film "Dallas Buyers Club" - 30 days to live was the message given to the lead character  - not many people have to cope with the unbelievable news that they don't have much time left and are scheduled to depart life sooner than the  natural order of things.  You were one of those people - and good grief you were so unbelievably brave and wise - if only you had had more time we would all have learnt so much from you.

Going to bed - and as ever pulling the duvet over my head and giving up on the day - warmth, darkness and softness - and drifting in and out of sleep thinking about my little girls and reliving your last few days.

I now understand that a crucial part of the healing and grieving process - is making time for these times and letting myself go there, so that everything else is more bearable.

Loved your snowdrops this morning and all those birds singing - what a racket, but just maybe spring might be coming and you wont have to put up with endless days of rain pouring down on you.

Love you and missing you.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Wednesday 12 February 2014

Happy and healthy

Dear Ella,

Look at you - so happy and healthy - on tour with Amy, apparently a little grubby and weary, but you look lovely to me.

It's been so hard to hunt back through my memmories and remember you before you were ill, but photos like this jog my grey matter along.

Your right arm and shoulder is so clear in this picture - was that dam cancer starting to gather pace and momentum even then - I wonder?

Lots of love Mum  xxxx

Friday 7 February 2014

Never fade

Dear Ella,

I knew you would never fade - but its reassuring to know that  - that thought is really true.

Always with me, next to me, in my heart and head - living for you and loving you every step of the way.

So many instances this week, nothing extraordinary, just simple everyday things - that bring you right to the forefront.

A picture and someone else's memory of you - arriving in my inbox, nobody else will ever wear a bobble hat with your panache.

A song (at choir), "Fix You" again, but then others like Moon River, that you probably never knew - but originally sung by the  beautiful Audrey Hepburn, almost as beautiful as you.

Seeing a photo of you (well several actually) on Sophies bedroom wall in Cardiff.

Hearing the rain come down - relentlessly, like it did in November 2012 - when you had to go.

Laughing with wonderful girlfriends - and knowing that you would be glad I was, but rolling your eyes at the cause of the laughter.

Seeing your photo, and smiling right back at you.



Lots of love

Mum
XXX


Wednesday 5 February 2014

The Path into the Blue

Dear Ella,

Went to the Tate Modern last Saturday to see the Paul Klee exhibition - loved it, but especially the picture entitled  "The Path into the Blue".  The minute I saw it, I was transfixed; I had the strongest sense of it being the picture of your journey, from the very first day you were told there was something not quite right in your shoulder - through to the night of 21 November - 18 months later when you left.

I gazed and gazed it at, and have since looked at it online - I have no idea why it does this for me - but I find it very peaceful.

Of course the Tate was one of our places - a visit to London with you and Sophie was never complete without a stomp around the various galleries within the building - including the "scary" installation exhibits, which you loved and I hated.

Lots of love

Mum
XX