Monday 31 March 2014

Paulo Nutini, a wedding and "Mum"

Dear Ella,

Phew - its been busy, what with the TCT gig at the Royal Albert Hall last Wednesday - amazing Mr Nutini (terrible crush - sorry), along with Roger Daltry, Wilko Johnston, Jim and Lorraine, (and no Jim and Lor weren't performing well not quite!), followed by a wedding (scrubbed up quite well) and then Mothering Sunday.

Felt like the proverbial pinball wizard - bouncing around from one set of emotions and feelings to another.

Lots of wonderful survivors at the gig - you should have been there, shouting and waving your arms, defying the world and cancer, telling your story - Shane Meadows, Ellie and Amy did a very good job. "Cancer - like having a hammer smack you around the head" - I should say, amazing girls just like you.



The Friday saw a beautiful family wedding, such a special day - thought it might be emotional, but the wave of sadness that I would never see you get married was overwhelming at times, but with lovely people all around me, I made it through… remember that wedding dress you saw in a magazine one long day at the hospital - we cut it out and said "one day".


Not the bride and groom

Mark and his lovely sisters


Then Mothering Sunday - what a big fuss…the sun shone so a busy day in the garden, reading and poking around ignoring the world, but thinking about my Mum and being Ella's Mum and Sophies Mum.

Just want to be your Mum for ever, and working hard at being Sophies……..

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Wednesday 26 March 2014

Writing it all down

Dear Ella,

Writing it all down really does help - either here on the blog, scribbled in journals, or on an e mail to a friend, loved one or whoever.

The words tumble out, scatter across the page, get reordered and then committed to print.  Its like a conscious and unconscious brain flow.  The really great thing is that you can go back and read them later - maybe a few minutes later or even days, weeks, months or years.

The other evening I found some journal scribblings I had written about seven years ago.  They made for painful but reassuring reading, I had even written down a conversation that you and me had had one evening (not painful) - very lovely, insightful and grown up - a bonding moment.  Thank goodness I had written it down, else I would never have remembered it.

Writing = memories = good

I went on a writing course for a day last year and loved this quote

The first draft of anything is shit. Ernest Hemingway


Lots of love

Mum
xx

Sunday 23 March 2014

Anxious

Dear Ella,

A weekend of anxious and "what if" thoughts - you'll know why….. can't stop myself going there, its only because I care and love so much.

Tell me what to do..

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Friday 21 March 2014

Your wish is our command


Dear Ella,

Team Ella - went for a tour of the new TCT unit last night.  Some average photos below.  It took my breath away…….its just how you visualised it and lots of the details were along the lines of the ones you had asked for. Discreet mirrors, wifi everywhere, lots of light filtering through big windows, a kitchen to sort out food that you want to eat and not hospital food, big bedrooms, a bed for me (or someone else), and lovely nurses and staff dedicated to looking after 16-24 year olds.

It would have made your journey considerably easier and I think a little more  bearable.  

They have called it "Area 61" - as it's still an integral part of "Ward 61" - where you spent so many hours, days and nights, but honestly - we could have been in a  different hospital.  Some of the staff that looked after you are still there - and one by one they came to find me, we hugged and simply looked at each other - few words needed to be said, you hung between us - much loved, sorely missed and still disbelief that you weren't there to see your wish come true.

I think I speak for all of Team Ella when I say we felt a sense of pride and achievement that all the money we have raised (nearly £107,000 to date) has really helped to make a difference and create an environment that you would have approved of.  It also fastened our resolve to raise even more money to help keep the unit running and maintain all the valuable aspects that make it so great, and of course get other units up and running across the UK.

Onwards we go, under your inspirational and steady presence.

Lots of love
Mum
XX








Fab new staff - Annie and Amy :)

Saturday 15 March 2014

Swindon fans

Dear Ella,

Went for a run in the spring sun shine today and stumbled upon all the Swindon football fans heading for Ashton Gate.  Crikey, there were a lot of them and they were very noisy - bunched together and surrounded by police.    Best not to make eye contact, I thought and trundled on past.  Was also a good idea not to share my recent football chants learnt at Man U/Fulham match back in January.

Back home - the garden was calling - an enthusiastic attack on the Jasmine - cutting back, sweeping up and generally checking on the Allington estate - all well, if not a little muddy and damp.  Brian was a great help - chasing twigs and attacking the secateurs.

Your daffodils are in full bloom and looking good - three years on, and the very lovely "Lenten Rose" you gave me two Easters ago - continues to generously bloom.   Your windmill turned gently in the breeze - winter seemed like a long time ago.

Lots of love

Mum
xx





Thursday 13 March 2014

Hey

Dear Ella,

Hey - just missing you.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Tuesday 11 March 2014

Been trying to find the words

Dear Ella,

Been trying to find these words for a while -  then I heard someone else say them

"I think the best thing you can do is get on and live life as if though Ella was still here" 


Apt and exactly what I have been trying to do - it's hard work, but it is OK at the same time.   It's also very good for the face as it requires a lot of determined smiling :)

But, I'm not going to stop writing you letters.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Tuesday 4 March 2014

Getting serious now

Dear Ella,

Taking this choir malarkey a bit more seriously now.  Have purchased folder and have loaded with all the right music for the forthcoming terms, could almost be verging on being eligible to be known as a "keener".

An interesting selection of music and songs - you will recognise this one The end of time.  Eat your heart out David Tennant and Billie Piper.   It's the music to the Dr Who episode that you, me and Sophie tearfully watched as they were parted for ever - after they had finally worked out they were in love.

We sniffed and wiped our eyes and couldn't ever imagine another Doctor Who episode after that one.  There were of course many more episodes and Dr Who memorabilia that crept into our lives and kept you, Sophie and your friends entertained and captivated for many hours.  If I hunted around upstairs I would find a life size cardboard cut out of Mr Tennant, two or three Tardises and a Dalek (pleased to say the latter two are not life size).

"The End of Time" - an appropriate sentiment when I suddenly remember you aren't here anymore - its still the most awful shock.

Lots of love

Mum
XX





Saturday 1 March 2014

Scheduling time to be unscheduled

Dear Ella,

Sounds mad - huh, scheduling time to be unscheduled?  But - I am getting better at it.  This habit is not something you ever had to practice, and I am sure I never had to when I was your age.

Somehow, as we (I think particularly females) get older - we make ourselves so busy, list writing, getting jobs done, tidying up, chores completed and ticked off, schedules adhered too- that we never make time for doing nothing in particular.  It feels unnatural and dare I even say it wrong!  Being busy becomes the norm and a habit that is hard to break.

My case in point this morning - sunshine filtering into the kitchen, peace and quiet the weekend stretching luxuriosly out in front of me. My first instinct - "quick write a list of all the things I should get done over the next 24 hours" - clean floor, get prescription, shuffle paperwork, sort your room out, go food shopping, take stuff to charity shop, take broken light to tip, catch up on e mails, go for a run and on it goes……but no.   Instead, I am taking the next hour to do nothing in particular - except enjoy the moment, write to you - and well whatever.   I am even managing to ignore tidying Sophie's clutter (lovely she arrived home last night - which of course means Doc Martins akimbo on the kitchen floor, piles of laundry and well - just stuff).

Having just read what I have written, ironically, I can see that I have sort written my list of things to do - hey ho, old habits dies hard, but I am still sitting still enjoying the moment and honestly doing nothing in particular.

Sometimes I find it easier to be unscheduled when I have got stuff done - then its like a reward and I can relax into doing nothing in particular stance and that is very satisfying and enjoyable.  It also helps if I have the right equipment to hand - my trusty laptop, a cup of coffee, my journal for scribbling random  things in, stuff to read - but most of all peace and quiet.  Ah bliss.

Crazy I know - and I still  hear you saying "Mum, just stop and sit down" - see, I'm still listening and here I am sitting down, doing nothing in particular, other than writing to you.

Lots of love
Mum
xx