20!

Dear Ella,

Our girl turned 20 today.  An event, no longer a teenager in actual terms, maybe in spirit and state of mind (the same as all of us) at times.

Happy, excited and looking forward to birthday celebrations with friends and life in general. How very lovely.

The same age as you - a good age, neither grown up nor a child - on the brink of moving forward, finding oneself (eventually), establishing (unknowingly), learning quickly (slowly at times), care free (ish) and living in the moment.

Go for it or Soph - behind you all the way

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Danse Macabre

Dear Ella

Another reminder….

Messing around on Spotify and came across Danse Macabre   Memories of you as a little girl dancing around the lounge at Glentworth Road, baby elephant like - practising for a school show/assembly of some description.

I think we all knew you would never be a professional dancer….

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Pain

Dear Ella,

A random comment by a colleague at work and all of a sudden I was back in your world of pain, reliving the moments of your cancer journey that were so very physically painful.

The colleague said "I never realised cancer could be so painful" referring to a friend of his.   None of us do - until we actually have it and have to live with it.  I haven't so don't fully know just how painful it can be - but I sat with you through your pain - willing the morphine and cocktail of drugs to kick in and take the pain away.  Breathing and crying with you - I don't know how you did it.  The long, long nights were the very worst - with daylight somehow working with the drugs to make the pain diminish.

What a blessing to discover that within the NHS their are people called "pain management nurses"- who work their magic with a sophisticated hierarchy of drugs making day to day living much more manageable.

 You were very frightened at times - no wonder

No more pain now….

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Kicks galore

Dear Ella,

Its been a while since I committed fingers to keyboard and dropped you a line, but I am sure you can feel the constant "Dear Ella" in my daily thoughts and doings.

Ups and downs, ins and outs - best describes the past two months since I "formally" dropped you a line.

"Everything changes and nothing remains still" Plato   Which I think is good - to move on through life I know I need change, challenges, new perspectives and at times a bloody massive kick - which of course only I am allowed to give.

Inertia = lethargy and bouts of maudlin self pity.  What a waste of time and energy.

Kick - went to a festival and wore wellington boots for 48 hours.  Tried twice to be miserable but said kicking worked and I had fun.

Kick - was silly with very longest serving girlfriends - and laughed till we cried

Kick - we had a lovely picnic on your birthday, the sun shone and we all smiled

Kick - continuing to learn to let go of trying to be in charge all the time

Kick - another arts and crafts attempt.  Rough and ready - but strangely therapeutic

Kick - gentle patience with Grandad on lovely weekend away.  Learning to walk slowly and sit and watch boats bobbing around - for ages!

Kick - its OK to do nothing to some times balance the keeping busy - just be still and enjoy the still.

All of those kicks mixed up with other stuff, has left me feeing surprisingly nice.

Lots and lots of love

Mum
XX