30 today - Ella Bella

 Dear Ella

A significant birthday today- one with a zero at the end and in your case a 3 at the start.  Yes 30 years ago you were making your way into the world, on a lovely warm sunny day - but not quite the blistering heat we are enduring today in 2022

We all fell in love with you from the moment you arrived and haven't fallen out of love with you yet. Always beautiful, shy and timid in your early years, smart and sassy in your teens.  

We can only wonder how your twenties may have shaped you.

We all have a go at guessing where you might be, and what you might be doing. The guesses are wild and varied.  Living in NY, living in London, still at home (I don't think so!) working at NASA, modelling for Vogue, designing buildings, married - or not, babies one, two, three or none. Travelling the world, finding your way, tripping over yourself like we all do.  Making mistakes, making friends, making a mess, making beauty, making mayhem, making memories, making fun.

But one thing we know for sure is that you would be sporting some mighty fine ink to show off by now - you so badly wanted some tattoos but that dam cancer said no!!

So Sophie made a plan and made it happen.  We have both had matching tattoos for you on our right forearms - three small perfectly formed hearts - Sophie, Ella and Jo.  In my case, it will be both my first and last tatt and for the record - it hardly hurt

Happy Birthday gorgeous girl - we never stop loving you.

Mum 

XX

Thanks to the very creative and caring OliviaXChanning

https://www.instagram.com/oliviaxchanningxtattoo/

Killers, running, woods, mud, lunch DWW, ASDA and more

Dear Ella

20 November - its always the date for me.  I know that technically it's 21 November,  but really this was the day we sat and waited with you as your body and soul gave up its courageous battle with cancer and you headed off.....

Seven years ago today, a lifetime - you were 20 and would now be 27.   I got married when I was 27 - I felt so grown up and sorted with life, got that very wrong didn't I?  Little did I know what was to come.

The world as ever continues to spin (just about, though totally mad and hard to follow with political shenanigans, environmental disasters and any other amounts of doom and gloom) and life goes on and so do all of we in our various ways.

My way today went something like this... get up, buy tickets to see The Killers next June (hope your suitably impressed), go running in the muddy woods and Ashton Court (what's happened to me?), lunch with some fabulous ladies, which involved some mind numbingly lovely DWW (dry white wine, in case you have forgotten), then a mindless, DWW haze drift around the shelves and aisles of ASDA - making food purchases for the other residents of Allington Rd and time to check out the toy aisle and remember the days of buying all that gear for you and Sophie Rose for Christmas.

Now home to write to you, followed by PJ's, cups of tea, comforting (hopefully) TV. and hugs with Sophie. It's all so very rock and roll here.

Your furry mate Brian continues to make her presence felt - never more so than when my laptop is up and firing.  No change there then!

On we go, for ever missing you, wondering what would have been and putting one foot in front of the other trying to be the best versions of ourselves we can be, appreciating our lives and living them as best as we can for ourselves and for you.

We love you so very much

Mum
XX
PS - and before you say "well that's a long time since you have written a letter to me...", I write them every day in my head and send them your way, endless words, grumblings, musings and prayers - your ears surely must be sore!

I Forgot

Dear Ella

I love this...

"Stay hungry, stay foolish"

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Incredulous

Dear Ella

Moments of incredulity happen randomly and for no reason at all as in a particular trigger that reminds me of you.  Incredulous that you really aren't here.  How can that be.....???

You come pushing through to the forefront of my mind, sharp, clear and very vivid - so close and yet so far, if only I could reach out and touch you.  But I can't.

Helpless - but pragmatic - I move on, taking you and Sophie me with every step of my way - trundling on through life, making it up as I go, like we all do I suppose.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

It's raining, it's pouring

Dear Ela,

It's raining, it's pouring - just exactly like it was four years ago when you went on your way.

Lots of people got in touch with lovely messages then (as they are now), and one person said "its like they sky is crying and can't stop, because you have gone".   So the skies are crying again and so am I - though not as publicly as the skies.

Today should be no different to any other day of the year, I miss you no less or more than I do on the other 364.  But - it's far more poignant and vivid - especially yesterday, which I see really as "the day".

The long, long day when you spoke to me for the last time early in the morning before dropping into some kind of a halfway state - neither here nor gone and rested while you waited for your time to come - just after midnight in the very early hours of 21 November.    And - all the time the rain poured down, relentlessly, people came and went, the hours clocked on - we chatted to you, and hugged you and held your hand and endlessly told you we loved you and wanted you to stay.  But of course you couldn't, the fighting was done, the battle was lost and the big C was well and truly in charge and running havoc through your beautiful body.

So here we are - four long years on, getting on with life and stuff as best as we can - its sometimes really quite brilliant and other times really quite awful.

I often sit quietly at Allington and listen to see if I can hear you coming downstairs - ambling along, your sling on, bobble hat askew, pyjama's creased and warm from being asleep and your purple dressing gown draped around you.  "Can I have a hug and a cup of tea"?   "Of course you can my love -   sit down, I'll pop the kettle on - but lets have that hug first".

Missing you more and more

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Sharp and accentuated

Dear Ella,

Accentuated sharp bursts of "missing you" so much feelings appear at frequent but unexpected times and moments.  Far more intense than the constant underlying sadness that sits somewhere just under my heart and skin.

The intensity of these "bursts" disorientate and knock me off course and I have to grip tight to keep on keel and carry on, because of course they always happen in the most unexpected and public spaces.

And, am I missing you specifically or missing my two little girls and those heady innocent days when I was the centre of your universe and you were usually the centre of mine.   Both.   I want you now as  a beautiful independent 24 year old, popping in and out of my life as you see fit and you and Sophie as adorable children tumbling into my bedroom on a Saturday morning (early) full of energy and anticipation for a weekend packed with nothing in particular other than stuff we wanted to do.

Now its Saturday morning again - peaceful and quiet in my beautiful "new ballroom" in the sky.  My treat to me to spoil and indulge and give me a space to retreat and hide.

Did you see our girl turning 21 back in August - a milestone in many ways.  Against all the odds she made it - pushing on in her own faltering way with very tentative steps that are often backwards, but more recently and wonderfully slightly forward.  She's beautiful, smart and scared as hell…… and really needs her big sister more than ever.

In her room there is always a picture of Ella and Sophie as little girls, burnt brown on holiday in Greece, smiling away for the camera.  Perhaps she too yearns for the care free days of childhood when life was simple and innocent.

Missing you as always

Lots of love
Mum
XX

Ok, Ok so you are 24 now!

Dear Ella,

OK - so what you turned 24 in July - what's the big deal and BTW what the f… are you doing???

Would love to know - drop me a note or send me a message. Of course you do all the time………. in fact you are positively noisy sitting on my shoulder, sighing with exasperation, rolling your eyes and sometimes, just sometimes cheering me on in a slightly proud parent role reversal way that only confident 20 somethings can only do.

Think I turned a corner or three back in July - in fact just around your birthday, so is 4 my new magic number as in its coming up-to nearly 4 years ago since you left……

"Life is to short" and all that jazz - now resonates all the time - come on Redman - pick up the pace and crack on and just do stuff that inspires, energises and moves me forward.

So have been out and about - France, WOMAD and opening up Allington to be a house of social….

Think gratitude - back on the 3 BT's

Lots of love
Mum
XX