We missed you lots

Dear Ella,

We missed you and Mum/Granny lots and lots as we gathered together at Easter.

But - the sun shone, it was a little warmer and you were both somewhere near by.

Sneak preview of the "Run For Ella" T Shirts - they arrived today - so we all had a quick modelling session - Grandad, Sophie, Kezzia and Tommy looked the best.

They go on sale next week - more money for the  Teenage Cancer Trust South West appeal - think you would be pleased.

Happy Easter gorgeous girl

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

Contentment

Dear Ella,

Spent some time this afternoon thinking and talking about the heady subject of "contentment" - how on earth does one achieve that state of mind?

Was with the lovely Annie (as in Annie and Q) - we couldn't work it out and could only agree that it would be nice to achieve - but seems just now unachievable.  Why?  Do we want too much, need too much, grieve too much, have too much to choose from, not disciplined enough and expect too much from ourselves and others?

That's a lot of questions, so we sat and thought and were in many ways "contented" doing just that for a while.....

Maybe contentment in short bursts is a good starting point.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

So it's the big Easter Break

Dear Ella,

The big four day holiday is looming - it will be good to have some slow down time.  Wont be able to start my gardening frenzy - its way too cold!

April 1 is just a day or so away, not sure I am that keen on April and Easter Eggs anymore - awful memories from two years ago when first you and the Sophie were diagnosed with your respective illnesses - I can still see the pile of Easter Eggs that never got eaten.

Last Easter was better - we had a lovely time with T&K - I love the photo below

Lots of love

Mum
xx

We went for you

Dear Ella

Had to do something for you on Monday evening - it should have been you, but - well you know.

Caught the train to London and went to the final Teenage Cancer Trust concert at the Royal Albert Hall, we (me and Lorraine) saw Paul Weller but skipped Palma Violets.  We met lots of the TCT people and raised a glass to you and all the people behind us on our fund raising mission to get a Teenage Cancer  unit up and running in Bristol.

Do you remember how they as in the TCT nurse and coordinator used to promise that you could go to these gigs and events  when you were better - you never made it, a crying shame you would have loved it.  We only got to do the watching out front bit, but you would have gone for the whole day and met all the celebs, done the workshops, been so cool and generally had a ball.

Anyway, I am sure they raised a shed load of money and as importantly a huge amount of awareness for the charity and all the fantastic work they do.

Our fundraising efforts continue - U Bob e mailed last night to say we have gone over the £5,000 mark - and we haven't even really started yet.

Love you loads

Mum
xxx

3 beautiful things (3BT's)

Dear Ella

Back on the 3 BT's - except I have 6 for today - is that greedy?

1. Waking up to that "Saturday morning feeling" - (which didn't take too long to come  after the usual awful waking moment of remembering that you are not here) - no overwhelming timetable, simply more time to choose and do things, even down to what to eat for breakfast!

2.  Tidied and sorted your room - that feels better.  So you see nothing changes, you will know better than anyone and witnessed how often the the therapy of bringing order to chaos has calmed and settled me.  Hope your like what we have done, it was great to have your Dad helping me.

3.  After all the tidying and sorting - just having the whole day to myself - terrifying but wonderful.

4.   I ran three miles!

5.  Sophie coming home from work - enjoying her tea and then looking twenty million dollars as she set off for her night out.

6.   Geoff and Sue coming round for dinner. As ever Geoff cooked -  wonderful food and great company. There are no friends like old friends - and as you know we have been a threesome for a long time.  We reminisced about all the times you dipped in and out of our evenings over the years and relentlessly teased Geoff (lesbian boots) and hugged Sue.  We cried a lot but also said "WOW"!

Lots of love

Mum

xxx

Geoff, Ella and Sue 

Geoff,  Jo and Sue

Geoff and his apprentice

Being a Mum

Dear Ella,

I know I am always and will always be your Mum - but tonight it felt very real again.  I sat and chatted with  Jane and Kate and we waxed lyrical about our anguishes and joys as Mums' of daughters (and sons for Jane) - and none of you were physically present so it just was as it was.  Of course we had no answers, but lots of shared wisdom and infinite love for wonderful children.

Then home - me and Fizz watched EastEnders and Brian the belligerent toddler - trashed the washing and wrestled with imaginary frogs.

Lot of love

Mum
xx

Walking

Dear Ella,

Still walking, walking, walking - it helps.

One foot in front of the other - eyes ahead - moving down streets, up steps, across roads - some what anonymous - nobody noticing or knowing.

It kind of works.

Lots of love

Mum
xx