Never fade

Dear Ella,

I knew you would never fade - but its reassuring to know that  - that thought is really true.

Always with me, next to me, in my heart and head - living for you and loving you every step of the way.

So many instances this week, nothing extraordinary, just simple everyday things - that bring you right to the forefront.

A picture and someone else's memory of you - arriving in my inbox, nobody else will ever wear a bobble hat with your panache.

A song (at choir), "Fix You" again, but then others like Moon River, that you probably never knew - but originally sung by the  beautiful Audrey Hepburn, almost as beautiful as you.

Seeing a photo of you (well several actually) on Sophies bedroom wall in Cardiff.

Hearing the rain come down - relentlessly, like it did in November 2012 - when you had to go.

Laughing with wonderful girlfriends - and knowing that you would be glad I was, but rolling your eyes at the cause of the laughter.

Seeing your photo, and smiling right back at you.

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

The Path into the Blue

Dear Ella,

Went to the Tate Modern last Saturday to see the Paul Klee exhibition - loved it, but especially the picture entitled  "The Path into the Blue".  The minute I saw it, I was transfixed; I had the strongest sense of it being the picture of your journey, from the very first day you were told there was something not quite right in your shoulder - through to the night of 21 November - 18 months later when you left.

I gazed and gazed it at, and have since looked at it online - I have no idea why it does this for me - but I find it very peaceful.

Of course the Tate was one of our places - a visit to London with you and Sophie was never complete without a stomp around the various galleries within the building - including the "scary" installation exhibits, which you loved and I hated.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Hey ho

Dear Ella,

Another working week comes to a close - home - weary and in our kitchen.

It's a peaceful sanctuary, and I always feel truly grateful to have such a lovely roof over my head and a place that I can really, genuinely call home and just love being in it - even without you and Sophie here.

It's still your home, you led me here all those years ago and helped me see what it could be.  I still get a very strong sense of you here -  may be it's that mad cat of yours Brian roaming around, chasing her tail, strutting her stuff, lording it over every shadow, dancing around on your bed.

I think a Buddhist believer may say - there is a bit of your soul in Brian?

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Cancer Research

Dear Ella,

My "cancer" radar immediately picked up the words "new ways to treat cancer" on the radio this morning.  (Sometimes, I think the word cancer hunts me out, tracks me down and then stops me dead in my tracks).

Anyway, not sure I really understood the full interview - but in the most basic terms it was explaining that cancer continues to challenge the medical and research world and there is no such thing as a specific cancer.  Even when a biopsy is done and a cancer is diagnosed, it can change again during treatment and and may even be different if the biopsy is taken from a sightly different angle.

There were words and terms like "daughter cells ," "no single entity", "genetic architecture", "mutation", "naturally selected" "multiple, diverse cancers -not one cancer", "founding cells".

It made me realise just how crude your treatment was - blasting away as best as they could, but very unsophisticated and of course no alternative but to go down that route.  At least it gave you another 18 months and kept you relatively pain free - despite all the time in hospital and the scares, tears and trauma that bought.

The phrase "mountain to climb" was used - does that sound familiar?

1:3 people in the western world will be diagnosed with cancer and 1:5 will die from cancer.  Why were you one of the ones?

With love

Mum
xx

A moment

Dear Ella,

Yesterday was just another day - but a day to pause and reflect just a little bit more.

Time to think and remember my Mum, your Granny.  As ever the wheels of the world turned round and life carried on, but it was good to sit with Dad/Grandad last night and raise a glass and smile.

Vivid memories of the night she left us two years ago - me rushing from Frenchay hospital where she was - to the Oncology hospital where you were - bravely getting on with your next cycle of Chemo, then home to Sophie.

You gave me the biggest hug and we cried a bit together, as I left the hospital church bells were ringing out loud and clear - and sounded just like my Mum.

Missing you both so much

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Busy - bang!

Dear Ella,

Busy, being busy - lots of work, lots of other things as well - getting used to solo living now my little friend has gone back to Cardiff.    It's quite nice being able to come and go - with no one to answer to - except you!

Still find myself checking in with you all the time, listening to hear what you would be saying.  Sometimes, I turn round quickly - I think I might catch a glimpse of you watching me - but your gone.   Were you there, quietly looking on, checking upon me?  I can feel and sense you so strongly.  It's nice, but I always get the "bang" - oh your not there.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Fat Boy Slim

Dear Ella,

Just back from Fat Boy Slim's neck of the woods - Brighton, though of course I really think of it as your neck of the woods.  

Vivid memories of spending 24 hours there with you - whilst you were interviewed for a place to study Interior Architecture at Brighton University.

You fell in love with the place - the beach, the buzz, the whole feel - it was so your kind of place.

There were lots of "Ella's" hanging out in bars, drifting round the lanes and generally owning the town - was so welled up that you never got to be there, though goodness knows it was not for lack of trying, I think your place was deferred twice and I had many conversations with a very kind and supportive gentleman called Terry Meade - who interviewed and offered you your place.

I took these for you - all "architectural" buildings you would have loved

Lots of Brighton love

Mum
XX

Fat Boys pad