Surrounded by you

Dear Ella,

Lots of familiar memories this week.

Long waits in hospitals, making friends with medical staff, walking with someone you love nearly all the way into the operating theatre, the 2 am call for pain relief, cups of tea and bedside chats at 5am, waiting for a long night to be over and another day to start, buying lovely food and cooking it just right to tempt and cajole recovery and wellness.

It's so easy to do when you love someone a lot like you or my lovely Dad.   Brave and ancient Grandad  - so determined and stalwart about trying to hear and see again - so that he can join in life full time, rather than hanging around on the fringes.

You were all around "literally" as I enjoyed my sleepovers at the bungalow - surrounded by photos of you, Sophie, Tommy, Kezia - and there were even a few of me and the uncles, looking considerably younger I might add!  Even Christmas cards and notes from you to Granny…..

So a long old week, nice its now Saturday with time to sit back and do whatever feels right - like go for a run and write to you.

Ran to you tree, its a bit bare - but your ribbons were blowing energetically in the January afternoon breeze.  There is a red ribbon now - I wonder who that is from.

 I sat for  a while and concentrated hard on you and re read what your tree says "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but abut dancing in the rain".

We are all dancing as often as we can.

Lots of love
Mum
XX

Me and Brian

Dear Ella,

Just saying , "me and Brian = best mates"!

She misses her number one fan soooooo much.

Remember when she was a kitten and you used to make her chase the torch beam from your phone?  No longer a kitten but endless time now spent chasing her own tail.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Amsterdam

Dear Ella,

It was on your list - you never made it - but I have been and had a look for you.

Its very nice and lots of new things to take in:

Rijksmuseum   Stunning, beautiful building - filled with extraordinary paintings "old Dutch Masters" in the main, not really mine or your scene, but never the less, fabulous to see them close up and appreciate the intricacies and stories behind them.  Think Vermeer "the Milkmaid" and Rembrandt "The Night Watch" and then there was "Cobra" not a painting, but a movement like Impressionism or Surrealism.  Quite startling and in your face, not restful to my eyes.

Coffee houses galore - very aromatic smells coming out of them!

Bikes - millions of them, need eyes in the back of your head to avoid getting run over by one.  But also made for a peaceful city, not clogged with cars and traffic jams, so shades of Venice.

Bread - seemed to eat a lot of this - it appeared at every meal - rude not to.

Architecture - stunning, beautiful buildings everywhere, easy on the eye, satisying shapes built on the edge of endless canals, with big windows letting in the January sunshine.  City centre living looked good to me.

Stylish - the people, shops, restaurants and overall look and feel was cool and stylish without being pretentious and snobbish.  Clean, uncluttered, calm and at ease - my lasting impressions.

I will be going back - for me and you.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Sainsbury's profits down

Dear Ella,

Sainsbury's announced this week that their Christmas profits were down this year v last year.  Well it wasn't for lack of support on my part I can tell you…..I think I might hold the December record for buying the most fruit and veg of any of their customers.

Anyway, as a result we are all fairly healthy at Allington and back in Cardiff and that's no bad thing.

I can clearly remember taking you to Sainsbury's when you were a little girl and pushing you round in the trolley…

Lots of love

Mum
XX

We are all made of Stardust

Dear Ella

“We ourselves are made of Stardust.” 
― Carl Sagam


2015 - here we go, secure in the knowledge that we are all made of stardust.  Of course you know that being a lover of all things up in the stars.   But its a new one on me - and when I saw the quote I thought of you and I thought "I like that".  Stars are amazing - cosmic energy engines, some stand out from the rest, their brightness being a factor of how much energy they put out.

Am hoping to be "bright" this year generating lots of cosmic energy and get on and do stuff and things and be as ever surrounded by friends and family.

So thanks for the inspiration - if it hadn't been for your love and passion about stars and space - I wouldn't have stopped and paid attention at the Royal Observatory in Greenwich  in London on New Years Day.

The Ella Bella star - still shining for us every day

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Vitamin B and Tinsel

Dear Ella,

Plenty of the first (vitamin B) to be on the safe side - nobody likes to see a mood swing over Christmas - and just maybe taking vitamin B helps!  Lacking a little in the tinsel department.  Bit half hearted on the Christmas decorations this year - we got a tree up, but not much more.  Still it looks lovely and it's only been attacked by Brian once or twice.

Just back from the last big supermarket shop - usual sling it all in trolley and hope that it  comes together when the time comes.  Put in the usual essential extras - paracetamol, Pringles and pomegranates - paracetamol for me, Pringles for you and pomegranates for Sophie.

Unpacked and stashed everything away - enjoying a coffee and just being at home.  #loveallington - my new hashtag,  (not that I have ever had one before).  All is calm and peaceful and can feel the comfort of home wrapping its self around me.  Counting my blessings to have such a lovely place to live in and that the doors will be open to friends and family over the next few days.

All the lovely girls coming round tonight - Annie, Amy, Maisy, and Maya (George away climbing in Spain - of all places) - "mothers allowed if well behaved". Sophie and the cutting crew will be loitering for a short period prior to taking the Thekla by storm - you would have been torn - stay in with the girls or head down to your favourite boat…..

Took Granddad out for lunch yesterday - Park Garden Centre at Almondsbury - we had a lovely potter and loved seeing the fish - just like keeping you and Sophie busy in the run up to Christmas when you were little girls.

Out third Christmas without you is less than 48 hours away - as ever on we go, one foot in front of the other doing the best we can (well most of the time).  Wish you were here - or at least on your way home….

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Hugs and stuff

Dear Ella,

Your sister is home for Christmas - delivered safe and sound yesterday - exhausted and discombobulated - a little like you used to be when you arrived home from hospital.

I contained my "excitement" to three hugs and three questions in the first half hour!  24 hours later - its like she's never been away.

A day of just being at home, knocking around each other in a relatively comfortable, familiar and peaceful way.  A way that would be strange to others - in the same way that "their way" would be strange and unfamiliar to us.  It's our rhythm and routine - ands just for now its good enough, not special, yet very special.

As I hand washed (yep you read that right) her favourite jumper - I thought of my Mum - and all the times I went home.  Being a good Mum she just let me fit back in and found ways to seamlessly and unconditionally be my Mum - that I never even noticed or recognised.  Being a Mum - a thankless yet wonderful role and position to hold.   Am trying to learn to be better at it every day.

Lots of love

Mum
XX