Touch and go

Dear Ella

Touch and go - but go it was and we have made it through Christmas and this morning out the other side - with just NYE to come.

I usually describe our Christmas (when asked "what are you doing for Christmas"?) as muddling through - and that's exactly what we did - "muddled through" - with family and friends muddling along with us.

The muddling approach I have decided is quite good - part of my determined approach to not be so in control and let things be/go/happen. It can be both pleasantly surprising and terrifying at the same time.

We raised a glass to you on Christmas Day and you were constantly in our thoughts.  Mum too was close by as Jim Reeves sang out from the music player and the Tio Pepe was passed around.  Traditions make and shape families and events - and are useful to hang onto - but also a way to be brave as one learns to let some of them go.  No viewing of "Love Actually" this Christmas Eve - not needed!

Many, many things to be grateful for - here are a few from Christmas…

"Your Ella's Mum"?   I was stopped in Asda with that question recently - three wonderful words.  "Yes I am"  (and always will be).

Decorating the Christmas Tree with Sophie - familiar baubles and decorations - with many memories as each one is carefully unwrapped.

U Bob operating a selfie stick - Oh my we laughed till it hurt - see below

Walking, walking, walking - though maybe not enough - wet weather stopped play at times

So - as ever, on we go into 2016

Stay close my beautiful girl

Love you loads

Mum
XX

Kurt in Bath

Dear Ella,


Allington is very quiet tonight - in comparison to three years ago, just me and the guys (Brian and Fizz). and Adele (Mum music) singing on the TV.

Comfortable and familiar - home - yours, Sophie's and mine and always will be.

You were with me in Bath this afternoon - It was meant to be - there was a Kurt Jackson exhibition.  Astonishing, breathtaking landscapes of the ocean, countryside and Glastonbury.  An artist you loved and studied when you were at Ashton Park.  One of your Kurt influenced pairings raised £2,000 for TCT at the Party for Ella in November 2013.

Sleep tight beautiful girl

All my love
Mum
XX

Three years then...

Dear Ella,

Three years then - neither long nor short.  Just normally formed 365 x 3.

May be your surprised to see me sitting quietly still instead of chasing mountain tops in wildest Wales - maybe it's good to be still and just be - we'll see.

There is never a night where I don't hold you and Sophie tight before I fall to sleep - clambering through my memories from your last few days and trying to find the ones from the times before you were ill.

What would you be doing now if you were here now?   I don't meant like literally "here" as in on the blue sofa at Allington - as I am sure you would be somewhere doing your thing…….

Carefully skittering, skimming across the top of daily living  - is how most days go, avoiding the obvious, patching around the wound - building a raft to hang onto.  It's not awful - its surprisingly easy - just keep moving with the rest of the world.

Slipping and sliding on we go - one foot in front of the other.

Missing you an incredibly huge amount.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Chilli

Dear Ella,

A cozy Monday evening home - with a big bowl of Chilli Con Carne - your favourite.

Think it was up to scratch.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

I remember

Dear Ella,

I heard this Jewish prayer read beautifully yesterday at the farewell to lovely Emily.  If you replace "we" with "I" and "them" with "you", its exactly how it is for me - everything (thank goodness) reminds me of you.

You continue to always be just there or there abouts, my mentor, conscience and cheker in with

Lots of love

Mum
XX




At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.

Energising September

Dear Ella,

It's September, my favourite month of the year, especially if there is golden mellow Autumn sunshine.

There is a sense of new beginnings in the air.  Maybe due to the ingrained back to school regime that even when you are no longer part of that routine still impacts as the population settles back into familiar rhythems, traffic increases and there is generally a air of greater bustle and purposefulness - rather than sloth like August.

I love the colours of the trees, the abundance of seasonal vegetables and fruit (love an english apple), and believe it or not the promise of cosier months.

September was kind to us three years ago - the promise that you were on the mend and the road to recovery in front of you.   A few weeks of positivity till the train crash in mid October.  Sophie was starting her final year at 6th form ("back to school") - as ever getting on with life and we were all just moving forward albeit tentatively.

So yet again this year, Sophie has "gone back to school", year three in Cardiff.  The house feels quiet this morning, but its nice to be indulging in Allington comfort and familiarity, (shame there is no mellow Autumn sunshine pouring into the kitchen).

Time to open the front door - go for a run, get on and get things done - and lovely here comes the sun.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

20!

Dear Ella,

Our girl turned 20 today.  An event, no longer a teenager in actual terms, maybe in spirit and state of mind (the same as all of us) at times.

Happy, excited and looking forward to birthday celebrations with friends and life in general. How very lovely.

The same age as you - a good age, neither grown up nor a child - on the brink of moving forward, finding oneself (eventually), establishing (unknowingly), learning quickly (slowly at times), care free (ish) and living in the moment.

Go for it or Soph - behind you all the way

Lots of love

Mum
XXX