Ok, Ok so you are 24 now!

Dear Ella,

OK - so what you turned 24 in July - what's the big deal and BTW what the f… are you doing???

Would love to know - drop me a note or send me a message. Of course you do all the time………. in fact you are positively noisy sitting on my shoulder, sighing with exasperation, rolling your eyes and sometimes, just sometimes cheering me on in a slightly proud parent role reversal way that only confident 20 somethings can only do.

Think I turned a corner or three back in July - in fact just around your birthday, so is 4 my new magic number as in its coming up-to nearly 4 years ago since you left……

"Life is to short" and all that jazz - now resonates all the time - come on Redman - pick up the pace and crack on and just do stuff that inspires, energises and moves me forward.

So have been out and about - France, WOMAD and opening up Allington to be a house of social….

Think gratitude - back on the 3 BT's

Lots of love
Mum
XX

More bloody running

Dear Ella

Bemused and laughing is how I imagined you yesterday as I trudged round yet another Bristol 10K.   The sun shone, the runners and supporters mustered and we are off for Run4Ella 4.   It started early with the lovely Annie Archer running in Malawi and then we picked up the baton in Bristol.

It just seems to be an easy way that we can come together and so some good for TCT and put you on the main agenda for the day

Bemused and laughing - because of course you never really liked running or sport full stop.  I think you had a pair of trainers that Laura Pepper gave you - but they looked unused when I handed them over to the charity shop a while ago.

We ran (and sweated) through the streets with the sun shining down - Bristol never looked so lovely and we took our total funds raised over the four years to over £152k  - thats a lot of cash for the TCT

https://www.justgiving.com/remember/47274/Ella-Redman

Photos to follow

Ella Redman - we love you

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

I'm back

Dear Ella,

I'm back - can't think why I ever quite stopped writing to you, I do all the time in my head - just not fingers to keyboard and onto said blog page.

Anyway - your going to get it now - a torrent of ramblings and words need to be tumbled out - hopefully in some kind of sane or more likely insane way.

Where to start…..

Beautiful flowers arrived today - from someone I really don't even know that well - just sending their love and thoughts.

Several phone calls today from friends to simply  ask "how are you and…….."

A continual sense of mild alertness - not quite sure whats going to happen next……

Wondering for ever what you would be doing, thinking and saying if you were here….. am sure it would always start with "MUM…… for goodness sake….."

Rain just stopped play - so can't  mow the lawn - yes am still mildly interested in the area at the back of Allington - comonly known as the garden.

Year 56 approaching…. no surely not, but yes……… and I know because:

• Yes - I now like listening to Radio 4 - sometimes
• I like going out early and coming home early - sometimes
• I make funny groany type noises as I stand up - sometimes
• I like doing nothing in particular and can do that for a long time
• Driving at night is not much fun at all

Missing you loads as always

All my love
Mum
XX

Overwhelming urge

Dear Ella

Hello lovely girl - not so many letters now I know, but this morning or maybe this week - just an overwhelming urge to write.  Nothing of any significance to say - just the usual "am hanging in there, keeping busy, growing older, not wiser, learning to be grateful for what I have and of course letting go".

I think if I rubbed a lamp and a genie came out and granted me three wishes they would be:

1.  To wrap my arms around you and hug and squeeze you hard - just one more time.  I would never let go.

2.  To see Sophie smile - a really big whole hearted cheeky Sophie Rose three year old grin from ear to ear

3.  To wake up in our little greek bedroom in Kefalonia and see you and Sophie fast asleep - in your beds, peacefully breathing, no cares in the world, safe and secure next me.

In fact - I don't think - I know that is what I would wish for and often do.

Love you loads

Mum
XX

Touch and go

Dear Ella

Touch and go - but go it was and we have made it through Christmas and this morning out the other side - with just NYE to come.

I usually describe our Christmas (when asked "what are you doing for Christmas"?) as muddling through - and that's exactly what we did - "muddled through" - with family and friends muddling along with us.

The muddling approach I have decided is quite good - part of my determined approach to not be so in control and let things be/go/happen. It can be both pleasantly surprising and terrifying at the same time.

We raised a glass to you on Christmas Day and you were constantly in our thoughts.  Mum too was close by as Jim Reeves sang out from the music player and the Tio Pepe was passed around.  Traditions make and shape families and events - and are useful to hang onto - but also a way to be brave as one learns to let some of them go.  No viewing of "Love Actually" this Christmas Eve - not needed!

Many, many things to be grateful for - here are a few from Christmas…

"Your Ella's Mum"?   I was stopped in Asda with that question recently - three wonderful words.  "Yes I am"  (and always will be).

Decorating the Christmas Tree with Sophie - familiar baubles and decorations - with many memories as each one is carefully unwrapped.

U Bob operating a selfie stick - Oh my we laughed till it hurt - see below

Walking, walking, walking - though maybe not enough - wet weather stopped play at times

So - as ever, on we go into 2016

Stay close my beautiful girl

Love you loads

Mum
XX

Kurt in Bath

Dear Ella,


Allington is very quiet tonight - in comparison to three years ago, just me and the guys (Brian and Fizz). and Adele (Mum music) singing on the TV.

Comfortable and familiar - home - yours, Sophie's and mine and always will be.

You were with me in Bath this afternoon - It was meant to be - there was a Kurt Jackson exhibition.  Astonishing, breathtaking landscapes of the ocean, countryside and Glastonbury.  An artist you loved and studied when you were at Ashton Park.  One of your Kurt influenced pairings raised £2,000 for TCT at the Party for Ella in November 2013.

Sleep tight beautiful girl

All my love
Mum
XX

Three years then...

Dear Ella,

Three years then - neither long nor short.  Just normally formed 365 x 3.

May be your surprised to see me sitting quietly still instead of chasing mountain tops in wildest Wales - maybe it's good to be still and just be - we'll see.

There is never a night where I don't hold you and Sophie tight before I fall to sleep - clambering through my memories from your last few days and trying to find the ones from the times before you were ill.

What would you be doing now if you were here now?   I don't meant like literally "here" as in on the blue sofa at Allington - as I am sure you would be somewhere doing your thing…….

Carefully skittering, skimming across the top of daily living  - is how most days go, avoiding the obvious, patching around the wound - building a raft to hang onto.  It's not awful - its surprisingly easy - just keep moving with the rest of the world.

Slipping and sliding on we go - one foot in front of the other.

Missing you an incredibly huge amount.

Lots of love

Mum
XX