Yoghurt shaped hole

Dear Ella,

Well there is a new shaped hole in Allington now - it's a Sophie shape. It's very noticeable when you open the fridge - no yoghurts, or look at the fruit bowl - no apples, bananas, pears, pineapples, melons and all things fruit.

I can also feel the hole - the house is very quiet (and she wasn't the noisy one) and still.  It feels like its waiting patiently to see what to do next.

I'm waiting too - quietly confident that it will all be ok.  The foundations have been laid, the bricks are being tentatively placed to build a new shape that will work for us all.

Thank you for continuing to give me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Just like I explained when I first started writing to you - to this day and for always I can feel your hand and your gaze and feel your strength and energy, it's amazing.

Lots of love
Mum
xxx


For the record - every time I falter, I think of the day we were told the news that your cancer was back and was untreatable (29 October 2012), a room full Doctors, nurses, you, me and Jim and of course the ubiquitous box of NHS tissues (knew we were on for a hiding when I saw the box discreetly hidden underneath some folders one of the nurses was holding!).  Anyway,  of course you cried and wailed - and then it was my turn, but suddenly in the depths of my despair -  I could feel the strongest, warmest grip on my hand and could feel your big brown eyes staring hard at me.  The intensity of your gaze made me lift my eyes to meet yours  - and there you held me, steady and fast - with your touch and look, yet with no words - and told me that it would be OK and I would somehow get through this.