Dear Ella,
Good times were had by many as 2013 slipped away and 2014 started. Just as per last year and and years before - I was surrounded by friends - simply lovely.
A whole year of writing to you - its massively helped me - hope its not been too intrusive for you. I read in a book called "how to stay sane" that people who keep regular journals tend to be more self aware and more contented than those who don't.
Reflecting on that fact - yes, I have learnt a lot about myself and the process of grieving by writing all these letters to you. If nothing else, sitting quietly (usually at the end of a busy day) thinking about you, and life in general is a peaceful, calming process - the closest I have ever got to a meditative stance.
As I wrote to you on 01 January last year:
Really, really awful things happen - but somehow they can be navigated and are survivable - but a new shape has to be adapted to, understood and tried for size. This takes time - maybe a lot of time.
Hopefully you can see that I am surviving - well a bit more than just surviving, as we all are. There are many times when I gaze at life and people around me and can hardly believe that life is going on in a fairly normal fashion, I would love to scream and shout "stop, don't you realise my Ella is not here" - but of course there would be no point and even if I scream really loudly it wont bring you back.
Grieving is a lengthy process - I can only assume its forever - and know it will constantly change shape, format and intensity. Its certainly random and can catch you when you very least expect it and for no apparent reason. Often it comes after good times - a party, a dinner, a celebration - as I have tried to explain to you before, these situations all require energy and determination to have a good time. With the event over - comes the "bang" - Ella is not here.
So if its alright with you - I am going to continue to write - its a very real, vital connection for me to you, and as I have always said "it helps me to write it down"!
Lots of love
Mum
XXX
Continue to write Jo and we will continue to read - inspired by your thoughts and confident that you are finding a way ahead, love Rob
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Bob for all your encouragement x
DeletePleased to hear you are going to continue to write Jo :) I enjoy reading your blog and also writing my own letters to you and Ella helps. I hope you had a merry Christmas and happy new year. Lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks George - I love your letters and your overall enthusiasm for life and all things Ella :) Wishing you a really happy 2014 and look forward to seeing you soon xx
DeleteHi Jo - I am sure I am not the only one to say that your letters to Ella help me enormously, it makes me feel more connected to you & Ella so I am pleased to hear you are going to continue. Thank you for letting us share in your eloquent words - love you heaps - Gaynor
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