In the zone

Dear Ella,

An "in the zone" weekend - lots of time to really think about you - its not that I don't think about you all the time, but there are just some times when I really go "there" or need to go "there".

Running in the rain and hail on Saturday morning - "Running for Ella" training, or simply running because its so therapeutic to put one foot in front of the other and simply  switch off to life and go where my mind takes me - which is more often than not to you.  When I start to "physically" hurt from running, I simply remember how much really awful pain you had to put up with when you were ill - and get on with it.

Watching the film "Dallas Buyers Club" - 30 days to live was the message given to the lead character  - not many people have to cope with the unbelievable news that they don't have much time left and are scheduled to depart life sooner than the  natural order of things.  You were one of those people - and good grief you were so unbelievably brave and wise - if only you had had more time we would all have learnt so much from you.

Going to bed - and as ever pulling the duvet over my head and giving up on the day - warmth, darkness and softness - and drifting in and out of sleep thinking about my little girls and reliving your last few days.

I now understand that a crucial part of the healing and grieving process - is making time for these times and letting myself go there, so that everything else is more bearable.

Loved your snowdrops this morning and all those birds singing - what a racket, but just maybe spring might be coming and you wont have to put up with endless days of rain pouring down on you.

Love you and missing you.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx