30 today - Ella Bella

 Dear Ella

A significant birthday today- one with a zero at the end and in your case a 3 at the start.  Yes 30 years ago you were making your way into the world, on a lovely warm sunny day - but not quite the blistering heat we are enduring today in 2022

We all fell in love with you from the moment you arrived and haven't fallen out of love with you yet. Always beautiful, shy and timid in your early years, smart and sassy in your teens.  

We can only wonder how your twenties may have shaped you.

We all have a go at guessing where you might be, and what you might be doing. The guesses are wild and varied.  Living in NY, living in London, still at home (I don't think so!) working at NASA, modelling for Vogue, designing buildings, married - or not, babies one, two, three or none. Travelling the world, finding your way, tripping over yourself like we all do.  Making mistakes, making friends, making a mess, making beauty, making mayhem, making memories, making fun.

But one thing we know for sure is that you would be sporting some mighty fine ink to show off by now - you so badly wanted some tattoos but that dam cancer said no!!

So Sophie made a plan and made it happen.  We have both had matching tattoos for you on our right forearms - three small perfectly formed hearts - Sophie, Ella and Jo.  In my case, it will be both my first and last tatt and for the record - it hardly hurt

Happy Birthday gorgeous girl - we never stop loving you.

Mum 

XX

Thanks to the very creative and caring OliviaXChanning

https://www.instagram.com/oliviaxchanningxtattoo/

Killers, running, woods, mud, lunch DWW, ASDA and more

Dear Ella

20 November - its always the date for me.  I know that technically it's 21 November,  but really this was the day we sat and waited with you as your body and soul gave up its courageous battle with cancer and you headed off.....

Seven years ago today, a lifetime - you were 20 and would now be 27.   I got married when I was 27 - I felt so grown up and sorted with life, got that very wrong didn't I?  Little did I know what was to come.

The world as ever continues to spin (just about, though totally mad and hard to follow with political shenanigans, environmental disasters and any other amounts of doom and gloom) and life goes on and so do all of we in our various ways.

My way today went something like this... get up, buy tickets to see The Killers next June (hope your suitably impressed), go running in the muddy woods and Ashton Court (what's happened to me?), lunch with some fabulous ladies, which involved some mind numbingly lovely DWW (dry white wine, in case you have forgotten), then a mindless, DWW haze drift around the shelves and aisles of ASDA - making food purchases for the other residents of Allington Rd and time to check out the toy aisle and remember the days of buying all that gear for you and Sophie Rose for Christmas.

Now home to write to you, followed by PJ's, cups of tea, comforting (hopefully) TV. and hugs with Sophie. It's all so very rock and roll here.

Your furry mate Brian continues to make her presence felt - never more so than when my laptop is up and firing.  No change there then!

On we go, for ever missing you, wondering what would have been and putting one foot in front of the other trying to be the best versions of ourselves we can be, appreciating our lives and living them as best as we can for ourselves and for you.

We love you so very much

Mum
XX
PS - and before you say "well that's a long time since you have written a letter to me...", I write them every day in my head and send them your way, endless words, grumblings, musings and prayers - your ears surely must be sore!

I Forgot

Dear Ella

I love this...

"Stay hungry, stay foolish"

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Incredulous

Dear Ella

Moments of incredulity happen randomly and for no reason at all as in a particular trigger that reminds me of you.  Incredulous that you really aren't here.  How can that be.....???

You come pushing through to the forefront of my mind, sharp, clear and very vivid - so close and yet so far, if only I could reach out and touch you.  But I can't.

Helpless - but pragmatic - I move on, taking you and Sophie me with every step of my way - trundling on through life, making it up as I go, like we all do I suppose.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

It's raining, it's pouring

Dear Ela,

It's raining, it's pouring - just exactly like it was four years ago when you went on your way.

Lots of people got in touch with lovely messages then (as they are now), and one person said "its like they sky is crying and can't stop, because you have gone".   So the skies are crying again and so am I - though not as publicly as the skies.

Today should be no different to any other day of the year, I miss you no less or more than I do on the other 364.  But - it's far more poignant and vivid - especially yesterday, which I see really as "the day".

The long, long day when you spoke to me for the last time early in the morning before dropping into some kind of a halfway state - neither here nor gone and rested while you waited for your time to come - just after midnight in the very early hours of 21 November.    And - all the time the rain poured down, relentlessly, people came and went, the hours clocked on - we chatted to you, and hugged you and held your hand and endlessly told you we loved you and wanted you to stay.  But of course you couldn't, the fighting was done, the battle was lost and the big C was well and truly in charge and running havoc through your beautiful body.

So here we are - four long years on, getting on with life and stuff as best as we can - its sometimes really quite brilliant and other times really quite awful.

I often sit quietly at Allington and listen to see if I can hear you coming downstairs - ambling along, your sling on, bobble hat askew, pyjama's creased and warm from being asleep and your purple dressing gown draped around you.  "Can I have a hug and a cup of tea"?   "Of course you can my love -   sit down, I'll pop the kettle on - but lets have that hug first".

Missing you more and more

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Sharp and accentuated

Dear Ella,

Accentuated sharp bursts of "missing you" so much feelings appear at frequent but unexpected times and moments.  Far more intense than the constant underlying sadness that sits somewhere just under my heart and skin.

The intensity of these "bursts" disorientate and knock me off course and I have to grip tight to keep on keel and carry on, because of course they always happen in the most unexpected and public spaces.

And, am I missing you specifically or missing my two little girls and those heady innocent days when I was the centre of your universe and you were usually the centre of mine.   Both.   I want you now as  a beautiful independent 24 year old, popping in and out of my life as you see fit and you and Sophie as adorable children tumbling into my bedroom on a Saturday morning (early) full of energy and anticipation for a weekend packed with nothing in particular other than stuff we wanted to do.

Now its Saturday morning again - peaceful and quiet in my beautiful "new ballroom" in the sky.  My treat to me to spoil and indulge and give me a space to retreat and hide.

Did you see our girl turning 21 back in August - a milestone in many ways.  Against all the odds she made it - pushing on in her own faltering way with very tentative steps that are often backwards, but more recently and wonderfully slightly forward.  She's beautiful, smart and scared as hell…… and really needs her big sister more than ever.

In her room there is always a picture of Ella and Sophie as little girls, burnt brown on holiday in Greece, smiling away for the camera.  Perhaps she too yearns for the care free days of childhood when life was simple and innocent.

Missing you as always

Lots of love
Mum
XX

Ok, Ok so you are 24 now!

Dear Ella,

OK - so what you turned 24 in July - what's the big deal and BTW what the f… are you doing???

Would love to know - drop me a note or send me a message. Of course you do all the time………. in fact you are positively noisy sitting on my shoulder, sighing with exasperation, rolling your eyes and sometimes, just sometimes cheering me on in a slightly proud parent role reversal way that only confident 20 somethings can only do.

Think I turned a corner or three back in July - in fact just around your birthday, so is 4 my new magic number as in its coming up-to nearly 4 years ago since you left……

"Life is to short" and all that jazz - now resonates all the time - come on Redman - pick up the pace and crack on and just do stuff that inspires, energises and moves me forward.

So have been out and about - France, WOMAD and opening up Allington to be a house of social….

Think gratitude - back on the 3 BT's

Lots of love
Mum
XX

More bloody running

Dear Ella

Bemused and laughing is how I imagined you yesterday as I trudged round yet another Bristol 10K.   The sun shone, the runners and supporters mustered and we are off for Run4Ella 4.   It started early with the lovely Annie Archer running in Malawi and then we picked up the baton in Bristol.

It just seems to be an easy way that we can come together and so some good for TCT and put you on the main agenda for the day

Bemused and laughing - because of course you never really liked running or sport full stop.  I think you had a pair of trainers that Laura Pepper gave you - but they looked unused when I handed them over to the charity shop a while ago.

We ran (and sweated) through the streets with the sun shining down - Bristol never looked so lovely and we took our total funds raised over the four years to over £152k  - thats a lot of cash for the TCT

https://www.justgiving.com/remember/47274/Ella-Redman

Photos to follow

Ella Redman - we love you

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

I'm back

Dear Ella,

I'm back - can't think why I ever quite stopped writing to you, I do all the time in my head - just not fingers to keyboard and onto said blog page.

Anyway - your going to get it now - a torrent of ramblings and words need to be tumbled out - hopefully in some kind of sane or more likely insane way.

Where to start…..

Beautiful flowers arrived today - from someone I really don't even know that well - just sending their love and thoughts.

Several phone calls today from friends to simply  ask "how are you and…….."

A continual sense of mild alertness - not quite sure whats going to happen next……

Wondering for ever what you would be doing, thinking and saying if you were here….. am sure it would always start with "MUM…… for goodness sake….."

Rain just stopped play - so can't  mow the lawn - yes am still mildly interested in the area at the back of Allington - comonly known as the garden.

Year 56 approaching…. no surely not, but yes……… and I know because:

• Yes - I now like listening to Radio 4 - sometimes
• I like going out early and coming home early - sometimes
• I make funny groany type noises as I stand up - sometimes
• I like doing nothing in particular and can do that for a long time
• Driving at night is not much fun at all

Missing you loads as always

All my love
Mum
XX

Overwhelming urge

Dear Ella

Hello lovely girl - not so many letters now I know, but this morning or maybe this week - just an overwhelming urge to write.  Nothing of any significance to say - just the usual "am hanging in there, keeping busy, growing older, not wiser, learning to be grateful for what I have and of course letting go".

I think if I rubbed a lamp and a genie came out and granted me three wishes they would be:

1.  To wrap my arms around you and hug and squeeze you hard - just one more time.  I would never let go.

2.  To see Sophie smile - a really big whole hearted cheeky Sophie Rose three year old grin from ear to ear

3.  To wake up in our little greek bedroom in Kefalonia and see you and Sophie fast asleep - in your beds, peacefully breathing, no cares in the world, safe and secure next me.

In fact - I don't think - I know that is what I would wish for and often do.

Love you loads

Mum
XX

Touch and go

Dear Ella

Touch and go - but go it was and we have made it through Christmas and this morning out the other side - with just NYE to come.

I usually describe our Christmas (when asked "what are you doing for Christmas"?) as muddling through - and that's exactly what we did - "muddled through" - with family and friends muddling along with us.

The muddling approach I have decided is quite good - part of my determined approach to not be so in control and let things be/go/happen. It can be both pleasantly surprising and terrifying at the same time.

We raised a glass to you on Christmas Day and you were constantly in our thoughts.  Mum too was close by as Jim Reeves sang out from the music player and the Tio Pepe was passed around.  Traditions make and shape families and events - and are useful to hang onto - but also a way to be brave as one learns to let some of them go.  No viewing of "Love Actually" this Christmas Eve - not needed!

Many, many things to be grateful for - here are a few from Christmas…

"Your Ella's Mum"?   I was stopped in Asda with that question recently - three wonderful words.  "Yes I am"  (and always will be).

Decorating the Christmas Tree with Sophie - familiar baubles and decorations - with many memories as each one is carefully unwrapped.

U Bob operating a selfie stick - Oh my we laughed till it hurt - see below

Walking, walking, walking - though maybe not enough - wet weather stopped play at times

So - as ever, on we go into 2016

Stay close my beautiful girl

Love you loads

Mum
XX

Kurt in Bath

Dear Ella,


Allington is very quiet tonight - in comparison to three years ago, just me and the guys (Brian and Fizz). and Adele (Mum music) singing on the TV.

Comfortable and familiar - home - yours, Sophie's and mine and always will be.

You were with me in Bath this afternoon - It was meant to be - there was a Kurt Jackson exhibition.  Astonishing, breathtaking landscapes of the ocean, countryside and Glastonbury.  An artist you loved and studied when you were at Ashton Park.  One of your Kurt influenced pairings raised £2,000 for TCT at the Party for Ella in November 2013.

Sleep tight beautiful girl

All my love
Mum
XX

Three years then...

Dear Ella,

Three years then - neither long nor short.  Just normally formed 365 x 3.

May be your surprised to see me sitting quietly still instead of chasing mountain tops in wildest Wales - maybe it's good to be still and just be - we'll see.

There is never a night where I don't hold you and Sophie tight before I fall to sleep - clambering through my memories from your last few days and trying to find the ones from the times before you were ill.

What would you be doing now if you were here now?   I don't meant like literally "here" as in on the blue sofa at Allington - as I am sure you would be somewhere doing your thing…….

Carefully skittering, skimming across the top of daily living  - is how most days go, avoiding the obvious, patching around the wound - building a raft to hang onto.  It's not awful - its surprisingly easy - just keep moving with the rest of the world.

Slipping and sliding on we go - one foot in front of the other.

Missing you an incredibly huge amount.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Chilli

Dear Ella,

A cozy Monday evening home - with a big bowl of Chilli Con Carne - your favourite.

Think it was up to scratch.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

I remember

Dear Ella,

I heard this Jewish prayer read beautifully yesterday at the farewell to lovely Emily.  If you replace "we" with "I" and "them" with "you", its exactly how it is for me - everything (thank goodness) reminds me of you.

You continue to always be just there or there abouts, my mentor, conscience and cheker in with

Lots of love

Mum
XX




At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.
For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.

Energising September

Dear Ella,

It's September, my favourite month of the year, especially if there is golden mellow Autumn sunshine.

There is a sense of new beginnings in the air.  Maybe due to the ingrained back to school regime that even when you are no longer part of that routine still impacts as the population settles back into familiar rhythems, traffic increases and there is generally a air of greater bustle and purposefulness - rather than sloth like August.

I love the colours of the trees, the abundance of seasonal vegetables and fruit (love an english apple), and believe it or not the promise of cosier months.

September was kind to us three years ago - the promise that you were on the mend and the road to recovery in front of you.   A few weeks of positivity till the train crash in mid October.  Sophie was starting her final year at 6th form ("back to school") - as ever getting on with life and we were all just moving forward albeit tentatively.

So yet again this year, Sophie has "gone back to school", year three in Cardiff.  The house feels quiet this morning, but its nice to be indulging in Allington comfort and familiarity, (shame there is no mellow Autumn sunshine pouring into the kitchen).

Time to open the front door - go for a run, get on and get things done - and lovely here comes the sun.

Lots of love

Mum
XX

20!

Dear Ella,

Our girl turned 20 today.  An event, no longer a teenager in actual terms, maybe in spirit and state of mind (the same as all of us) at times.

Happy, excited and looking forward to birthday celebrations with friends and life in general. How very lovely.

The same age as you - a good age, neither grown up nor a child - on the brink of moving forward, finding oneself (eventually), establishing (unknowingly), learning quickly (slowly at times), care free (ish) and living in the moment.

Go for it or Soph - behind you all the way

Lots of love

Mum
XXX

Danse Macabre

Dear Ella

Another reminder….

Messing around on Spotify and came across Danse Macabre   Memories of you as a little girl dancing around the lounge at Glentworth Road, baby elephant like - practising for a school show/assembly of some description.

I think we all knew you would never be a professional dancer….

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Pain

Dear Ella,

A random comment by a colleague at work and all of a sudden I was back in your world of pain, reliving the moments of your cancer journey that were so very physically painful.

The colleague said "I never realised cancer could be so painful" referring to a friend of his.   None of us do - until we actually have it and have to live with it.  I haven't so don't fully know just how painful it can be - but I sat with you through your pain - willing the morphine and cocktail of drugs to kick in and take the pain away.  Breathing and crying with you - I don't know how you did it.  The long, long nights were the very worst - with daylight somehow working with the drugs to make the pain diminish.

What a blessing to discover that within the NHS their are people called "pain management nurses"- who work their magic with a sophisticated hierarchy of drugs making day to day living much more manageable.

 You were very frightened at times - no wonder

No more pain now….

Lots of love

Mum
XX

Kicks galore

Dear Ella,

Its been a while since I committed fingers to keyboard and dropped you a line, but I am sure you can feel the constant "Dear Ella" in my daily thoughts and doings.

Ups and downs, ins and outs - best describes the past two months since I "formally" dropped you a line.

"Everything changes and nothing remains still" Plato   Which I think is good - to move on through life I know I need change, challenges, new perspectives and at times a bloody massive kick - which of course only I am allowed to give.

Inertia = lethargy and bouts of maudlin self pity.  What a waste of time and energy.

Kick - went to a festival and wore wellington boots for 48 hours.  Tried twice to be miserable but said kicking worked and I had fun.

Kick - was silly with very longest serving girlfriends - and laughed till we cried

Kick - we had a lovely picnic on your birthday, the sun shone and we all smiled

Kick - continuing to learn to let go of trying to be in charge all the time

Kick - another arts and crafts attempt.  Rough and ready - but strangely therapeutic

Kick - gentle patience with Grandad on lovely weekend away.  Learning to walk slowly and sit and watch boats bobbing around - for ages!

Kick - its OK to do nothing to some times balance the keeping busy - just be still and enjoy the still.

All of those kicks mixed up with other stuff, has left me feeing surprisingly nice.

Lots and lots of love

Mum
XX