Dear Ella,
It's September, my favourite month of the year, especially if there is golden mellow Autumn sunshine.
There is a sense of new beginnings in the air. Maybe due to the ingrained back to school regime that even when you are no longer part of that routine still impacts as the population settles back into familiar rhythems, traffic increases and there is generally a air of greater bustle and purposefulness - rather than sloth like August.
I love the colours of the trees, the abundance of seasonal vegetables and fruit (love an english apple), and believe it or not the promise of cosier months.
September was kind to us three years ago - the promise that you were on the mend and the road to recovery in front of you. A few weeks of positivity till the train crash in mid October. Sophie was starting her final year at 6th form ("back to school") - as ever getting on with life and we were all just moving forward albeit tentatively.
So yet again this year, Sophie has "gone back to school", year three in Cardiff. The house feels quiet this morning, but its nice to be indulging in Allington comfort and familiarity, (shame there is no mellow Autumn sunshine pouring into the kitchen).
Time to open the front door - go for a run, get on and get things done - and lovely here comes the sun.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Saturday, 5 September 2015
Wednesday, 19 August 2015
20!
Dear Ella,
Our girl turned 20 today. An event, no longer a teenager in actual terms, maybe in spirit and state of mind (the same as all of us) at times.
Happy, excited and looking forward to birthday celebrations with friends and life in general. How very lovely.
The same age as you - a good age, neither grown up nor a child - on the brink of moving forward, finding oneself (eventually), establishing (unknowingly), learning quickly (slowly at times), care free (ish) and living in the moment.
Go for it or Soph - behind you all the way
Lots of love
Mum
XXX
Our girl turned 20 today. An event, no longer a teenager in actual terms, maybe in spirit and state of mind (the same as all of us) at times.
Happy, excited and looking forward to birthday celebrations with friends and life in general. How very lovely.
The same age as you - a good age, neither grown up nor a child - on the brink of moving forward, finding oneself (eventually), establishing (unknowingly), learning quickly (slowly at times), care free (ish) and living in the moment.
Go for it or Soph - behind you all the way
Lots of love
Mum
XXX
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Danse Macabre
Dear Ella
Another reminder….
Messing around on Spotify and came across Danse Macabre Memories of you as a little girl dancing around the lounge at Glentworth Road, baby elephant like - practising for a school show/assembly of some description.
I think we all knew you would never be a professional dancer….
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Another reminder….
Messing around on Spotify and came across Danse Macabre Memories of you as a little girl dancing around the lounge at Glentworth Road, baby elephant like - practising for a school show/assembly of some description.
I think we all knew you would never be a professional dancer….
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Pain
Dear Ella,
A random comment by a colleague at work and all of a sudden I was back in your world of pain, reliving the moments of your cancer journey that were so very physically painful.
The colleague said "I never realised cancer could be so painful" referring to a friend of his. None of us do - until we actually have it and have to live with it. I haven't so don't fully know just how painful it can be - but I sat with you through your pain - willing the morphine and cocktail of drugs to kick in and take the pain away. Breathing and crying with you - I don't know how you did it. The long, long nights were the very worst - with daylight somehow working with the drugs to make the pain diminish.
What a blessing to discover that within the NHS their are people called "pain management nurses"- who work their magic with a sophisticated hierarchy of drugs making day to day living much more manageable.
You were very frightened at times - no wonder
No more pain now….
Lots of love
Mum
XX
A random comment by a colleague at work and all of a sudden I was back in your world of pain, reliving the moments of your cancer journey that were so very physically painful.
The colleague said "I never realised cancer could be so painful" referring to a friend of his. None of us do - until we actually have it and have to live with it. I haven't so don't fully know just how painful it can be - but I sat with you through your pain - willing the morphine and cocktail of drugs to kick in and take the pain away. Breathing and crying with you - I don't know how you did it. The long, long nights were the very worst - with daylight somehow working with the drugs to make the pain diminish.
What a blessing to discover that within the NHS their are people called "pain management nurses"- who work their magic with a sophisticated hierarchy of drugs making day to day living much more manageable.
You were very frightened at times - no wonder
No more pain now….
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Kicks galore
Dear Ella,
Its been a while since I committed fingers to keyboard and dropped you a line, but I am sure you can feel the constant "Dear Ella" in my daily thoughts and doings.
Ups and downs, ins and outs - best describes the past two months since I "formally" dropped you a line.
"Everything changes and nothing remains still" Plato Which I think is good - to move on through life I know I need change, challenges, new perspectives and at times a bloody massive kick - which of course only I am allowed to give.
Inertia = lethargy and bouts of maudlin self pity. What a waste of time and energy.
Kick - went to a festival and wore wellington boots for 48 hours. Tried twice to be miserable but said kicking worked and I had fun.
Kick - was silly with very longest serving girlfriends - and laughed till we cried
Kick - we had a lovely picnic on your birthday, the sun shone and we all smiled
Kick - continuing to learn to let go of trying to be in charge all the time
Kick - another arts and crafts attempt. Rough and ready - but strangely therapeutic
Kick - gentle patience with Grandad on lovely weekend away. Learning to walk slowly and sit and watch boats bobbing around - for ages!
Kick - its OK to do nothing to some times balance the keeping busy - just be still and enjoy the still.
All of those kicks mixed up with other stuff, has left me feeing surprisingly nice.
Lots and lots of love
Mum
XX
Its been a while since I committed fingers to keyboard and dropped you a line, but I am sure you can feel the constant "Dear Ella" in my daily thoughts and doings.
Ups and downs, ins and outs - best describes the past two months since I "formally" dropped you a line.
"Everything changes and nothing remains still" Plato Which I think is good - to move on through life I know I need change, challenges, new perspectives and at times a bloody massive kick - which of course only I am allowed to give.
Inertia = lethargy and bouts of maudlin self pity. What a waste of time and energy.
Kick - went to a festival and wore wellington boots for 48 hours. Tried twice to be miserable but said kicking worked and I had fun.
Kick - was silly with very longest serving girlfriends - and laughed till we cried
Kick - we had a lovely picnic on your birthday, the sun shone and we all smiled
Kick - continuing to learn to let go of trying to be in charge all the time
Kick - another arts and crafts attempt. Rough and ready - but strangely therapeutic
Kick - gentle patience with Grandad on lovely weekend away. Learning to walk slowly and sit and watch boats bobbing around - for ages!
Kick - its OK to do nothing to some times balance the keeping busy - just be still and enjoy the still.
All of those kicks mixed up with other stuff, has left me feeing surprisingly nice.
Lots and lots of love
Mum
XX
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Five years ago
Dear Ella
Five years ago - we had a lovely time, all of us together, so many special memories - and what lovely words. You have indeed moved away from home, clearly not in the way we thought you would, but you have. Sophie has just moved back home - so hopefully plenty of doing nothing special.
What would you be saying and doing five years on?
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Five years ago - we had a lovely time, all of us together, so many special memories - and what lovely words. You have indeed moved away from home, clearly not in the way we thought you would, but you have. Sophie has just moved back home - so hopefully plenty of doing nothing special.
What would you be saying and doing five years on?
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
Note to self!
Dear Ella,
“Most of us are experts at solving other people’s problems, but we generally solve them in terms of our own and the advice we give is seldom for other people but for ourselves.”
“Most of us are experts at solving other people’s problems, but we generally solve them in terms of our own and the advice we give is seldom for other people but for ourselves.”
- Nan Fairbrother, The House in the Country
So true…
Lots of love
Mum
XXX
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