Think we moved forward

Dear Ella,

Review meeting a la Sophie today - think we all did good and you would be pleased with us all.

Yesterday, I did b'reav therapy for me - useful "ish".

Am hoping very soon that sitting in dull rooms on low chairs trying to talk and articulate feelings with boxes of tissues conveniently available will soon be a thing of the past.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

The fab four

Dear Ella,

Recent letters have been a bit me, me, me - very needy and self indulgent.  So thought this evening I would lend you a little update about the wonderful girls.

Annie - lovely visit yesterday from Annie and Kate.  Annie over the moon that she no longer seems to be allergic to cats and Brian was not in biting mode the whole time she was here, although she did have to separate a Brian/Fizz scuffle once or twice.  I always feel very peaceful and calm sitting next to Annie - so hope that's how she feels inside.  I did not make her drink spinach juice - but we laughed about our juicing escapades last summer.  Kate and Annie both very excited about Sophie's offer from Cardiff Uni.  A sneaky glass of red with Kate to celebrate it being Monday night - and well just being with great friends.

Georgina - how lucky am I - remember those lovely long letters she used to write to you - well I get them now.  Can't tell you how great it is to come in from work and see the familiar writing on the envelope and settle down for a good read.   Actually she starts of with "Dear Jo" I get a paragraph or two - then its "Dear Ella" and the download comes - but she says its OK for me to read.  Tough times on her recent placement - more of that another night - but I am in awe of how she has coped.

Amy - that Clutterbuck girl sends an e mail out of the blue and it hits the spot just when it's needed - somehow we seem to be in tune at the same time.  Last weekend a foray into contemporary jazz for Amy - not sure you would approve, but I am looking forward to hearing how it went.

Maisy - lots of Maisy therapy as you called it once on your blog.  She's only just headed back to Sheffield - so we have had several visits, and Maisy being Maisy makes us unpack how we are feeling and get it all out on the table - and it works!

In February its the big 21 birthday celebrations for Maisy - so everyone will be back in Bristol and it will be so good to gather and meet in various shapes and forms to celebrate and of course smile and talk about you.   What a shame you are missing the party - its fancy dress - so am signing off with you dressed as "Turkey" a few summers ago.

Lots of love
Mum
xx

Ella, Annie, Laurie and Amy

Laugh till I cried

Dear Ella,

Something happened on Sunday - which felt good, but also felt wrong.

I was out with Grandad and U Bob - grave hunting for old Tarzey ancestors of all things.  Anyway, U Bob was off in the undergrowth like some intrepid explorer and I was left in charge of Grandad on the path awaiting further instructions - from the undergrowth.

"How was your week Dad?" - and that opened up the opportunity for a series of Grandad like stories - one of which made me laugh out loud till tears were rolling down my cheeks.  You know how funny he  can make a story without even realising he's doing it.   In fact it was so funny I was still smiling about it yesterday.    Anyway, it felt great to laugh so much, but then I suddenly remembered you weren't here to recount the story to - and it felt wrong to be laughing and having a good time.

So in my standard fashion, I mentally checked in with you to get your advice - and "permission granted to laugh" was given.

Will try to laugh more - I promise

Lots of love

Mum

xxx

Signed off!

Dear Ella

Just signed off the words for your "stone".

Its taken a bit of deciding and pondering, but think they are right.

I imagined helping to choose universities, life choices,  wedding dresses......... when I became a Mum - but never having to choose something like this.

But there we are done now - hopefully they will be with you within the next few weeks and then it will be very clear for everyone where you are.

Another weekend in front of us - nice but poignant.


Lots of love

Mum

xx

What did you do today?

Dear Ella,

I wonder what you were up to and thinking about today...we were all busy getting on with life and thinking about Granny - as it was a year ago today she had to go and leave us all.

Do you remember that Tuesday evening - you were so brave and determined going back into hospital to start chemo after your big operation.  I left Bob R and Kate "in charge" whilst I spent the day and evening with Granny, the Uncles and Grandad.   I got to you about 8ish - you were tucked away in that  long thin four bed ward -  by the window.  A bit disgruntled, fed up, apprehensive and of course very sad.   We chatted, hugged and shed a few tears and then I left you to go home and see Sophie.   As I left your hospital I heard church bells ringing out loud and clear, and as I said at Granny's funeral - to this day when ever I hear church bells they make me think of her - loud, clear, familiar, in tune, reassuring, traditional and celebratory.

I heard church bells this evening as I dropped Grandad home from dinner out with me, Jim and Sophie - they sounded lovely and I thought - "there she goes, ringing out" - her presence still felt by us all.

I think about you both so much in every way - and try to feel and sense you at every turn.

Mostly, I just can't believe that you are not here.

Lots of love

Mum

xx

Walking, walking, walking

Dear Ella,

I must have walked miles and miles since November 21 - its good therapy, one foot in front of the other moving forward and breathing.

Sometimes my head is busy and skitters all over the place from you, to work, to Sophie, to the weekend, to friends, to family, to what to cook for dinner, to how cold/warm/wet it is, to is my leg hurting or not and a million and one other random thoughts in no organised pattern at all

 Other times it's empty and I arrive at my destination and if I was asked - would not be able to say what thoughts had passed through my head.

My most frequent walk is home to work and back again - there are many "Ella markers" all the way there and back:

Los Iguanas - one of your favourite restaurants
Bristol Guild where you used to work
BS8 and Motel - from time to time you loved the clothes in these shops
Bristol School of Art at the RWA - where you studied Foundation Art
Nandos - just how much chicken did you eat there?
Gaol Ferry Bridge - you loved a good bridge
Jamies - great for a special occasion - do you remember my birthday dinner - June 2011

..and then the turn into Allington Rd on the way home, and that "ah - nearly home" feeling - you loved coming home - shoes off, bag dumped, coat abandoned - cup of tea - home!

Sometimes I listen to hear you coming through the door...

Lots of love
 Mum
x

Fifteen minutes of Fame

Dear Ella

As I said to you last week.....


"Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes"


"Babe - I think your slot will be longer than 15 minutes"

So not every ones idea of fame and obviously not for a reason that you or any of us want - but front page of the Bristol Evening Post (and second and tenth) - stacks of interest and money coming in already.  

My lovely girl we will run, walk, crawl, swim, cycle and just about do anything to get that unit open in Bristol that you were so passionate about.  So watch over us while we busy ourselves and keep occupied.  

Lots of love
Mum

xx
Getting Better

Just Giving Remember Ella