Stopped in my tracks - by Steve Evans51

Dear Ella,

Just been "stopped in my tracks" unloading the washing machine.  BBC breakfast news was on, it was an interview with the most extraordinary man called Steve Evans.   He is dying of cancer and was being interviewed by Louise Minchin and Charlie Stayt.

The interview was so poignant, inspirational, interesting and touchingly funny, he articulated the journey so well and reminded me so much of your cancer journey and attitude.  I think it helped me to further understand some of what you went through.

Steve is now on the radiotherapy stage to give him "quality of life" and a bit more time, there is no other treatment that will work for his cancer.  He seems to be getting a bit more time than you - so has been able to settle and come to terms with the final stage of his journey.  You of course did not have quite enough time (understatement of the decade), but were amazing in the time you had.

He is now on twitter Steve Evans51 and talked of how supportive it is to have people following him and willing him on, the same sort of feeling you and me used to get from all the followers of our blogs Getting Better  and day to day living

Over a cup of coffee, in our lovely kitchen, sitting at the counter I have just read your blog again and feel so close to you and privileged that I was on the journey with you - from start to end.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

In to my arms

Dear Ella,

Somethings never change.

At the weekend I went to watch the film "About Time".   It's the latest Richard Curtis film - you know like "Love Actually".

I loved it - and of course fell in love with the sound track - so in my usual fashion bought it (yes I know just Like "The Descendants", "500 days of Summer" and "Juno"), and yes I have played it non stop - especially the track "into my arms "by Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds.  I play it at breakfast time, tea time and just before I go to bed (now).

You would be getting cross and telling me to turn it off - but hey there is no one here, except me so guess what?  I can do what I like - no one to annoy!

So same old Mum - watch a film, get hooked on a track and then play it continually - and yes this one has made it into my top 10 songs of all time.

Somethings never change

Lots of love

Mum
xx

PS - the film had Bill Nighy in it :)

Doh - fill the hole!

Dear Ella,

So its obvious - you just move something else into the yoghurt space in the fridge (white wine) and use the fruit bowl for something else (junk mail) - easy!

But of course and thankfully its not easy to fill the real holes - the huge Ella and Sophie holes.  Work, friends, activities, music, sleep, exercise, walking (yes still doing that) all help.

Friends and family are especially amazing.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - "it takes more than one", we all need different people at different times.  We, as in you and me and Sophie have amazing friends and family - holding us tight, where ever we are.

Lots of love

Mum
xx

Yoghurt shaped hole

Dear Ella,

Well there is a new shaped hole in Allington now - it's a Sophie shape. It's very noticeable when you open the fridge - no yoghurts, or look at the fruit bowl - no apples, bananas, pears, pineapples, melons and all things fruit.

I can also feel the hole - the house is very quiet (and she wasn't the noisy one) and still.  It feels like its waiting patiently to see what to do next.

I'm waiting too - quietly confident that it will all be ok.  The foundations have been laid, the bricks are being tentatively placed to build a new shape that will work for us all.

Thank you for continuing to give me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Just like I explained when I first started writing to you - to this day and for always I can feel your hand and your gaze and feel your strength and energy, it's amazing.

Lots of love
Mum
xxx


For the record - every time I falter, I think of the day we were told the news that your cancer was back and was untreatable (29 October 2012), a room full Doctors, nurses, you, me and Jim and of course the ubiquitous box of NHS tissues (knew we were on for a hiding when I saw the box discreetly hidden underneath some folders one of the nurses was holding!).  Anyway,  of course you cried and wailed - and then it was my turn, but suddenly in the depths of my despair -  I could feel the strongest, warmest grip on my hand and could feel your big brown eyes staring hard at me.  The intensity of your gaze made me lift my eyes to meet yours  - and there you held me, steady and fast - with your touch and look, yet with no words - and told me that it would be OK and I would somehow get through this. 

Stabilisers off

Dear Ella,

By Friday evening - Allington will be down to one resident (aside from the two felines).  It's finally happening, Sophie is on her way to uni and I will be left home.   Two legs of the Redman girls tripod missing.

So wonky (well maybe no more than usual) and possible wobbly, if we are talking analogies, it's maybe like having the stabilisers taken off a bike.  You and Sophie gone - so I will have to push on and learn to cycle in a straight and steady line - without my girls propping me up.

Do you think I can do it?


Lots of love

Mum
XX

Party

Dear Ella,

Just finished a "2 November Party For Ella planning evening" - its all go.  Over 200 people coming, just 40 tickets left to sell.

Some great auction, silent auction and raffle prizes have been donated.  Music sorted and running order just about done.

So it will be a great evening - I know you would approve, but forgive me when I need a moment or two as the familiar, painful reality check hits "that you aren't here, and never ever will be again".  The party will feel so right, but so wrong.

Enough Redman!   Today we tipped over £75,000 on the Just Giving pages - and very much hope the party will take us to at least £85,000. We then need to work out where to get the final £15,000 from to get us to our £100,000 target.  (A target we have not verbally stated, but all secretly have in our hearts).

That TCT unit will be open next Spring - we will have done what you wanted.

Lots of love

Mum
xxx

My party girl pre cancer

My party girl in recovery from cancer - and still ready to party!

London Feet

Dear Ella,

I will say no more than "London Feet" - you'll know exactly what I mean.

Missing you lots

Lots of love

Mum
xx