Missing you lots

Dear Ella,

Missing you lots is of course an understatement.   Its been a long old 41 days (41 seems both a lot and hardly any amount of time at all) since you had to leave us on 21 November.

As I am sure you know - (and are no doubt fairly fed up with) I talk and ramble onto you all the time - particularly when I come to see you at Woodlands.

You were always so enthusiastic about my blogging and writing and told me that I should carry on, so in your name and with everyone else's kind encouragement I am going to push on into 2013 - and write  down what life is like without you and how we will all fare as we move forward into new and uncharted waters.

For the record - every time I falter, I think of the day we were told the news that your cancer was back and was untreatable (29 October 2012), a room full Doctors, nurses, you, me and Jim and of course the ubiquitous box of NHS tissues (knew we were on for a hiding when I saw the box discreetly hidden underneath some folders one of the nurses was holding!).  Anyway,  of course you cried and wailed - and then it was my turn, but suddenly in the depths of my despair -  I could feel the strongest, warmest grip on my hand and could feel your big brown eyes staring hard at me.  The intensity of your gaze made me lift my eyes to meet yours  - and there you held me, steady and fast - with your touch and look, yet with no words - and told me that it would be OK and I would somehow get through this.

So I am somehow getting through this I promise - its flipping difficult, the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but every time I falter I remember "that look" and "that touch" and then bump forwards in someway.

So, Ella Bella - onwards into 2013 and whatever it brings.

All my love

Mum
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