Saturday, 3 September 2016

Sharp and accentuated

Dear Ella,

Accentuated sharp bursts of "missing you" so much feelings appear at frequent but unexpected times and moments.  Far more intense than the constant underlying sadness that sits somewhere just under my heart and skin.

The intensity of these "bursts" disorientate and knock me off course and I have to grip tight to keep on keel and carry on, because of course they always happen in the most unexpected and public spaces.

And, am I missing you specifically or missing my two little girls and those heady innocent days when I was the centre of your universe and you were usually the centre of mine.   Both.   I want you now as  a beautiful independent 24 year old, popping in and out of my life as you see fit and you and Sophie as adorable children tumbling into my bedroom on a Saturday morning (early) full of energy and anticipation for a weekend packed with nothing in particular other than stuff we wanted to do.

Now its Saturday morning again - peaceful and quiet in my beautiful "new ballroom" in the sky.  My treat to me to spoil and indulge and give me a space to retreat and hide.

Did you see our girl turning 21 back in August - a milestone in many ways.  Against all the odds she made it - pushing on in her own faltering way with very tentative steps that are often backwards, but more recently and wonderfully slightly forward.  She's beautiful, smart and scared as hell…… and really needs her big sister more than ever.

In her room there is always a picture of Ella and Sophie as little girls, burnt brown on holiday in Greece, smiling away for the camera.  Perhaps she too yearns for the care free days of childhood when life was simple and innocent.

Missing you as always

Lots of love

1 comment:

  1. I would certainly not want to be without my big sister.