Monday, 21 November 2016

It's raining, it's pouring

Dear Ela,

It's raining, it's pouring - just exactly like it was four years ago when you went on your way.

Lots of people got in touch with lovely messages then (as they are now), and one person said "its like they sky is crying and can't stop, because you have gone".   So the skies are crying again and so am I - though not as publicly as the skies.

Today should be no different to any other day of the year, I miss you no less or more than I do on the other 364.  But - it's far more poignant and vivid - especially yesterday, which I see really as "the day".

The long, long day when you spoke to me for the last time early in the morning before dropping into some kind of a halfway state - neither here nor gone and rested while you waited for your time to come - just after midnight in the very early hours of 21 November.    And - all the time the rain poured down, relentlessly, people came and went, the hours clocked on - we chatted to you, and hugged you and held your hand and endlessly told you we loved you and wanted you to stay.  But of course you couldn't, the fighting was done, the battle was lost and the big C was well and truly in charge and running havoc through your beautiful body.

So here we are - four long years on, getting on with life and stuff as best as we can - its sometimes really quite brilliant and other times really quite awful.

I often sit quietly at Allington and listen to see if I can hear you coming downstairs - ambling along, your sling on, bobble hat askew, pyjama's creased and warm from being asleep and your purple dressing gown draped around you.  "Can I have a hug and a cup of tea"?   "Of course you can my love -   sit down, I'll pop the kettle on - but lets have that hug first".

Missing you more and more

Lots of love


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