Dear Ella,
Been trying to find these words for a while - then I heard someone else say them
"I think the best thing you can do is get on and live life as if though Ella was still here"
Apt and exactly what I have been trying to do - it's hard work, but it is OK at the same time. It's also very good for the face as it requires a lot of determined smiling :)
But, I'm not going to stop writing you letters.
Lots of love
Mum
xx
Tuesday, 11 March 2014
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Getting serious now
Dear Ella,
Taking this choir malarkey a bit more seriously now. Have purchased folder and have loaded with all the right music for the forthcoming terms, could almost be verging on being eligible to be known as a "keener".
An interesting selection of music and songs - you will recognise this one The end of time. Eat your heart out David Tennant and Billie Piper. It's the music to the Dr Who episode that you, me and Sophie tearfully watched as they were parted for ever - after they had finally worked out they were in love.
We sniffed and wiped our eyes and couldn't ever imagine another Doctor Who episode after that one. There were of course many more episodes and Dr Who memorabilia that crept into our lives and kept you, Sophie and your friends entertained and captivated for many hours. If I hunted around upstairs I would find a life size cardboard cut out of Mr Tennant, two or three Tardises and a Dalek (pleased to say the latter two are not life size).
"The End of Time" - an appropriate sentiment when I suddenly remember you aren't here anymore - its still the most awful shock.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Taking this choir malarkey a bit more seriously now. Have purchased folder and have loaded with all the right music for the forthcoming terms, could almost be verging on being eligible to be known as a "keener".
An interesting selection of music and songs - you will recognise this one The end of time. Eat your heart out David Tennant and Billie Piper. It's the music to the Dr Who episode that you, me and Sophie tearfully watched as they were parted for ever - after they had finally worked out they were in love.
We sniffed and wiped our eyes and couldn't ever imagine another Doctor Who episode after that one. There were of course many more episodes and Dr Who memorabilia that crept into our lives and kept you, Sophie and your friends entertained and captivated for many hours. If I hunted around upstairs I would find a life size cardboard cut out of Mr Tennant, two or three Tardises and a Dalek (pleased to say the latter two are not life size).
"The End of Time" - an appropriate sentiment when I suddenly remember you aren't here anymore - its still the most awful shock.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Saturday, 1 March 2014
Scheduling time to be unscheduled
Dear Ella,
Sounds mad - huh, scheduling time to be unscheduled? But - I am getting better at it. This habit is not something you ever had to practice, and I am sure I never had to when I was your age.
Somehow, as we (I think particularly females) get older - we make ourselves so busy, list writing, getting jobs done, tidying up, chores completed and ticked off, schedules adhered too- that we never make time for doing nothing in particular. It feels unnatural and dare I even say it wrong! Being busy becomes the norm and a habit that is hard to break.
My case in point this morning - sunshine filtering into the kitchen, peace and quiet the weekend stretching luxuriosly out in front of me. My first instinct - "quick write a list of all the things I should get done over the next 24 hours" - clean floor, get prescription, shuffle paperwork, sort your room out, go food shopping, take stuff to charity shop, take broken light to tip, catch up on e mails, go for a run and on it goes……but no. Instead, I am taking the next hour to do nothing in particular - except enjoy the moment, write to you - and well whatever. I am even managing to ignore tidying Sophie's clutter (lovely she arrived home last night - which of course means Doc Martins akimbo on the kitchen floor, piles of laundry and well - just stuff).
Having just read what I have written, ironically, I can see that I have sort written my list of things to do - hey ho, old habits dies hard, but I am still sitting still enjoying the moment and honestly doing nothing in particular.
Sometimes I find it easier to be unscheduled when I have got stuff done - then its like a reward and I can relax into doing nothing in particular stance and that is very satisfying and enjoyable. It also helps if I have the right equipment to hand - my trusty laptop, a cup of coffee, my journal for scribbling random things in, stuff to read - but most of all peace and quiet. Ah bliss.
Crazy I know - and I still hear you saying "Mum, just stop and sit down" - see, I'm still listening and here I am sitting down, doing nothing in particular, other than writing to you.
Lots of love
Mum
xx
Sounds mad - huh, scheduling time to be unscheduled? But - I am getting better at it. This habit is not something you ever had to practice, and I am sure I never had to when I was your age.
Somehow, as we (I think particularly females) get older - we make ourselves so busy, list writing, getting jobs done, tidying up, chores completed and ticked off, schedules adhered too- that we never make time for doing nothing in particular. It feels unnatural and dare I even say it wrong! Being busy becomes the norm and a habit that is hard to break.
My case in point this morning - sunshine filtering into the kitchen, peace and quiet the weekend stretching luxuriosly out in front of me. My first instinct - "quick write a list of all the things I should get done over the next 24 hours" - clean floor, get prescription, shuffle paperwork, sort your room out, go food shopping, take stuff to charity shop, take broken light to tip, catch up on e mails, go for a run and on it goes……but no. Instead, I am taking the next hour to do nothing in particular - except enjoy the moment, write to you - and well whatever. I am even managing to ignore tidying Sophie's clutter (lovely she arrived home last night - which of course means Doc Martins akimbo on the kitchen floor, piles of laundry and well - just stuff).
Having just read what I have written, ironically, I can see that I have sort written my list of things to do - hey ho, old habits dies hard, but I am still sitting still enjoying the moment and honestly doing nothing in particular.
Sometimes I find it easier to be unscheduled when I have got stuff done - then its like a reward and I can relax into doing nothing in particular stance and that is very satisfying and enjoyable. It also helps if I have the right equipment to hand - my trusty laptop, a cup of coffee, my journal for scribbling random things in, stuff to read - but most of all peace and quiet. Ah bliss.
Crazy I know - and I still hear you saying "Mum, just stop and sit down" - see, I'm still listening and here I am sitting down, doing nothing in particular, other than writing to you.
Lots of love
Mum
xx
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Dutch man with ponytail
Dear Ella,
Just to explain why there is a dutch man with a ponytail in your room. A decorator by trade - he is simply tidying up the walls and "hurrah" getting rid of the dreaded orange pine skirting and woodwork, which should make you smile.
Just thought the time had come to get things in order a bit, but of course it will always be you room. Its a lovely space to go and think about you and look at your pictures and things and it's not just me who likes to do that.
So many roads lead back to "Ella".
People giving the very valuable "red stuff" - U Jim tonight
People training to run the 10k - loads of us
A baby "Ella" at work - maybe nothing to do with you this one - but I can believe
People sharing stuff they have read about grieving - Mark
Girlfriends reminiscing about younger Ella's, Sophie's and Jess's, happy, priceless days that have helped to build the legacy and story - Nicki
And on the journey and memories go.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Just to explain why there is a dutch man with a ponytail in your room. A decorator by trade - he is simply tidying up the walls and "hurrah" getting rid of the dreaded orange pine skirting and woodwork, which should make you smile.
Just thought the time had come to get things in order a bit, but of course it will always be you room. Its a lovely space to go and think about you and look at your pictures and things and it's not just me who likes to do that.
So many roads lead back to "Ella".
People giving the very valuable "red stuff" - U Jim tonight
People training to run the 10k - loads of us
A baby "Ella" at work - maybe nothing to do with you this one - but I can believe
People sharing stuff they have read about grieving - Mark
Girlfriends reminiscing about younger Ella's, Sophie's and Jess's, happy, priceless days that have helped to build the legacy and story - Nicki
And on the journey and memories go.
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Saturday, 22 February 2014
Big pants!
Dear Ella,
I thought it would never happen - but it would seem it has, a sign that I might just be getting older.
Just back from an underwear overhaul (you can only go on with tatty knicks for so long), and I find that I have purchased pants as big as I remember my Mum's being.
I can vividly remember looking a her underwear hanging up next to mine and laughingly thinking "call that underwear - it looks more like armour". Now, many years later - if I hung my new collection up next to Sophie's scraps of material that she calls underwear - mine too would like armour of some description.
You think you will never morph into your Mum and then you go and do it, without even realising. On the underwear front I think you finally realise its about comfort and of course support - the older you get the more you need - support, lycra, material and style. It's almost like going to be reupholstered!
It's not just underwear where I can see the similarities - phrases, mannerisms and all sorts of actions suddenly seem familiar, "if I were you", "that's ridiculous" and making funny groan and sigh noises as I move from sitting to stand - now that's proper old!
You'll never have the delight of morphing into me - perhaps a huge positive?
Lots of love
Mum
XX
I thought it would never happen - but it would seem it has, a sign that I might just be getting older.
Just back from an underwear overhaul (you can only go on with tatty knicks for so long), and I find that I have purchased pants as big as I remember my Mum's being.
I can vividly remember looking a her underwear hanging up next to mine and laughingly thinking "call that underwear - it looks more like armour". Now, many years later - if I hung my new collection up next to Sophie's scraps of material that she calls underwear - mine too would like armour of some description.
You think you will never morph into your Mum and then you go and do it, without even realising. On the underwear front I think you finally realise its about comfort and of course support - the older you get the more you need - support, lycra, material and style. It's almost like going to be reupholstered!
It's not just underwear where I can see the similarities - phrases, mannerisms and all sorts of actions suddenly seem familiar, "if I were you", "that's ridiculous" and making funny groan and sigh noises as I move from sitting to stand - now that's proper old!
You'll never have the delight of morphing into me - perhaps a huge positive?
Lots of love
Mum
XX
Sunday, 16 February 2014
In the zone
Dear Ella,
An "in the zone" weekend - lots of time to really think about you - its not that I don't think about you all the time, but there are just some times when I really go "there" or need to go "there".
Running in the rain and hail on Saturday morning - "Running for Ella" training, or simply running because its so therapeutic to put one foot in front of the other and simply switch off to life and go where my mind takes me - which is more often than not to you. When I start to "physically" hurt from running, I simply remember how much really awful pain you had to put up with when you were ill - and get on with it.
Watching the film "Dallas Buyers Club" - 30 days to live was the message given to the lead character - not many people have to cope with the unbelievable news that they don't have much time left and are scheduled to depart life sooner than the natural order of things. You were one of those people - and good grief you were so unbelievably brave and wise - if only you had had more time we would all have learnt so much from you.
Going to bed - and as ever pulling the duvet over my head and giving up on the day - warmth, darkness and softness - and drifting in and out of sleep thinking about my little girls and reliving your last few days.
I now understand that a crucial part of the healing and grieving process - is making time for these times and letting myself go there, so that everything else is more bearable.
Loved your snowdrops this morning and all those birds singing - what a racket, but just maybe spring might be coming and you wont have to put up with endless days of rain pouring down on you.
Love you and missing you.
Lots of love
Mum
xxx
An "in the zone" weekend - lots of time to really think about you - its not that I don't think about you all the time, but there are just some times when I really go "there" or need to go "there".
Running in the rain and hail on Saturday morning - "Running for Ella" training, or simply running because its so therapeutic to put one foot in front of the other and simply switch off to life and go where my mind takes me - which is more often than not to you. When I start to "physically" hurt from running, I simply remember how much really awful pain you had to put up with when you were ill - and get on with it.
Watching the film "Dallas Buyers Club" - 30 days to live was the message given to the lead character - not many people have to cope with the unbelievable news that they don't have much time left and are scheduled to depart life sooner than the natural order of things. You were one of those people - and good grief you were so unbelievably brave and wise - if only you had had more time we would all have learnt so much from you.
Going to bed - and as ever pulling the duvet over my head and giving up on the day - warmth, darkness and softness - and drifting in and out of sleep thinking about my little girls and reliving your last few days.
I now understand that a crucial part of the healing and grieving process - is making time for these times and letting myself go there, so that everything else is more bearable.
Loved your snowdrops this morning and all those birds singing - what a racket, but just maybe spring might be coming and you wont have to put up with endless days of rain pouring down on you.
Love you and missing you.
Lots of love
Mum
xxx
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
Happy and healthy
Look at you - so happy and healthy - on tour with Amy, apparently a little grubby and weary, but you look lovely to me.
It's been so hard to hunt back through my memmories and remember you before you were ill, but photos like this jog my grey matter along.
Your right arm and shoulder is so clear in this picture - was that dam cancer starting to gather pace and momentum even then - I wonder?
Lots of love Mum xxxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)