Monday, 11 February 2013

A rubber wall

Dear Ella,

I was out for dinner with some friends on Saturday night - we all had something in common - being mums and teenage daughters.  I am sure you can imagine some of the conversation themes!

Anyway, someone said - "what was Ella like when she was seventeen"?  I thought for a moment and said "I can't really remember".  My memories are still so skewed and focused by your illness, and the way you had to be and I had to be - that it's very hard to reach back and remember before.

Can you remember what you were like when you were seventeen?  I try hard to reach back - but its like pushing back through a rubber wall, I nearly get through and then I get bounced back to you being ill. So I try another part of the wall - but get bounced back again.  If I keep trying - will I eventually make it through and if I do - will I like what I see/remember?

Lots of love




  1. Don't work backwards, start at the beginning, remember the beautiful baby girl & the early years, the memories will return but only when you are ready, look at photos & recall special events & milestones don't push yourself too hard... Its still very raw x

  2. I can remember plenty Jo, and I know if I share it with you (whenever you want me to!) that you will like the memories :) xxx

  3. Jo, my binding memory of Ella as a 17 year old was how grown up she was and how she had gone from my little niece to someone who was grabbing hold of her youth, but very 'in tune' with adult life and very comfortable with it...... She may have been 16, but she even gave up a huge night out to honour her family loyalties on Bill and Jans 25th Anniversary Party(and could easily have skipped this) but did not..... She did the even better thing and went to both parties to keep everyone happy(family and friends..... And it would have been easy and tempting to ditch the former but she did not take that option)....... It's not a definitive memory, but a general one which I could apply to many situations if I thought hard...... Jim

  4. Thanks team, lovely ideas and Jim what a great memory x